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Other Spiritual Abuse From Familial Cult

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I can't always give myself the things I emotionally need.. and I end up looking to others for it. Reassurance, validation, love.. then spiraling if its not met.. and or feeling like I need to apologize for my existence.

I do this. I can't seem to meet anything I need myself, other then to stay breathing. All validation, reasons to stay alive, any sort of love, everything is seeked and absorb from others.

It's likely why I spiral downwards and/or out of control if someone doesn't approve, advises I am wrong. That kind of thing. I made an entire thread about it as I can see its backwards but no idea how to fix it.

I second everything @Ragdoll Circus said! Can't really point out everything as everything is good.. Very smart girl right there! :)
 
I do this. I can't seem to meet anything I need myself, other then to stay breathing. All validation, reasons to stay alive, any sort of love, everything is seeked and absorb from others.
Yes.. it is so frustrating.. I feel completely undone when it happens. And it can be the smallest of things to set it off too. And then when it happens and I can't function well doing even mundane drudgery things then the shame comes in like hellfire.. it's maddening.

I'm very grateful for both you and @Ragdoll Circus she is a smart cookie and I truly value the input! I've been going back and re reading the thread. Keep picking up in things I missed the 1st..2nd...3rd.. time around. Lol
 
its damn near impossible to individualize yourself in those situations

Isn't that the truth!!

Other than the explicit religious issues, he was so very control oriented on every front. I wasn't allowed to go sightseeing in San Francisco because it was 'G-d forsaken' and about to be struck down by lightening at any momemt. My father said he would disown me if I ever matriculated at UC Berkeley. And, my father refused to fill out the FAFSA paperwork so I couldn't apply for student aid or loans; I was a poor starving student and that was his fault.
 
Isn't that the truth!!

Other than the explicit religious issues, he was so very control oriente...
Same here.. any form of entertainment was abhorred by my father.. to the point you had no tv.. you weren't allowed to go out and see a concert or movies. the few times my husband and I went on vacations he always came back with some reason why it was bad and we shouldn't have gone...

In the beginning my cousin was in the group and while he was with my dad he literally got struck by lightning.. had to go to hospital and everything.. so boy did my dad use that to scare the shit out of me.. I couldn't even rebel when I was away because I just knew god was going to strike me down!

And that's total shit with the education stuff.. I'm sorry you suffered unnecessarily.. at least you went though.. hits a right sore spot with me.. i wasn't allowed to go to school period. My parents quit schooling me in 6th grade.. had to sneak to the library to teach myself.. :mad:

Were you able to get through college ok in spite of everything?
 
That's criminal!

It really messed me up.. I managed to get my GED but I have a hard time with self confidence when it comes to schooling.. because school itself was used as punishment.. I dissociate so bad when trying to learn something.. I hope one day I'll be strong enough to be able to go to UNI... but I'm scared of failing and doing something to squash the little self confidence I have.


I did complete my BA, but full-time school plus work ruined my health; I had to drop out of graduate school as a result.

I can't even imagine the stress you must have been under.. work/school/ptsd.. my hat is off to you! Glad you are able to get back to your graduate work now... You have guts man.. and grit. I admire that.
 
May I suggest you take one fun low-key class at a community college?
That's a really good suggestion. It's probably the only way I'd be able to build up enough confidence to go... looking at the whole curriculum at once freaks me out... I think the other thing that discourages me is that it's been so long since I got my GED I have not retained much... I have trouble even helping my kids with their own homework.. and I feel .... very incapable... the inner critic often comes in and pretty much says.. who do you think you are?.. you can't even help your kid with 5th grade homework!" So then it then really hurts me and I let the idea of going just fall away for awhile... it comes back.. but then something always happens to make me doubt myself.. just f*cking hurts man.
 
looking at the whole curriculum at once freaks me out...

Don't think about a major. Don't even think about graduating with an AA. Just look through the class schedule and find a class that looks interesting. Take the class purely for fun.

Get a BOG fee waiver, if you are eligible, so you won't beat yourself up over wasting money.

And, just keep this in mind: Even if your worst fears come true (they won't) and you don't earn a decent grade, you need NEVER TELL ANYONE you even attended that college. Yup. If, someday, you ever want to apply for a four-year college, you are not required to send transcripts from every college you attended. So, you really can't lose.

I don't feel like I'm being very clear, so I'll tell you what a friend did. She took calculus 2 at a community college and flunked it three times. All over for her, you see, because you only get three chances. So, what did she do? She applied to a community college outside her home district, maybe an hour away, and retook the class there. When she applied to university, she only sent the transcripts from her second community college to the university. :)
 
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