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Supporter Started Seeing An Awesome Man That May Suffer From Ptsd. Would Like To Be Supportive And Understand

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Arie

New Here
Hi everyone,

I could really use your advice and experiences on how to have this man's back. I know that this probably won't be easy but I really care about him and know he's worth it.

I wasn't looking for some one at all. And it just seemed perfect. We have mutual friends. He said when he found out I was single he got butterflies. He pursued me. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together.

It's been a few weeks. He told me that he hasn't had a girlfriend in 7 years. (He's stunning, no joke) He went through a lot of trauma with the mother of his daughter around that time. Which was also his first major relationship.

To sum it up it sounded like there were abandonment issues for him as a child then he got his heart destroyed, then he went into the army as a medic and went to the Middle East. He's dealt with a lot of pain.

He's able to communicate with me what's going on in his head really well. It sounds like a lot of fear that I'll repeat the bad experiences and he has a lot of doubt he deserves the kindness I show him. He feels that I'm hiding something. I'm not. He knows a lot of people that have known me for years.Icome with great references;)

Right now he's pulled away and I'm being understanding and patient. The trigger was physical intimacy. I took my top off while we were sleeping, partially because I was boiling (I'm from the north, he's from the dessert).
We were just spooning and being touchy, nothing serious. He seemed happy.

We talked about him coming to my place for breakfast and some other plans. He was happy about them.

Then he didn't show up. Later that day he said that he felt that it wasn't smart for him to do anything physical yet and he really needed me as a friend and that he didn't want to loose me. He feels he needs to work getting rid of his walls he said. That he was really attracted to me and that it just triggers an old fear. He knows it isn't true but the irrational fear is that all women will hurt him the same way.

We're both artists. Since then he contacts me every day with photos of what he's working on. I send him photos of what I'm making. We haven't hung out. I understand that he needs space. I haven't blown him off or been judgemental of his behavior. I asked if he'd consider talking to someone. He's open to the idea.

When we do hang out it seems like as we get closer he wants other people around more. Yes, this is totally frustrating because I feel like I'm competing for attention and I'm not competitive or the jealous type. I can see that if it stays this way I'll just feel unwanted and need to leave.

What do you think needs to happen for this to work?
 
Increasing your knowledge of ptsd (if it is ptsd) would be a start. Chat rooms are very nice and easy but increasing your knowledge with hard work will enable proper understanding. There are hundreds of books on the topic. Then there is also many differentials to consider once you have better knowledge of this complex mental health condition.
 
Welcome to the forum. :)

My advice? Take him at his word. Even if it seems completely illogical/irrational, it will likely backfire on you if you go against his wishes.

He said he needs you as a friend right now. Can you handle being just friends? Friends are usually ok hanging out in groups. He is likely showing you that a friendship is where his mind is at right now.

If being put in the friend arena isn't what you want/need, that's ok. But please don't go into it thinking that it's ok to push this boundary. He was explicit in his desires and I hope you can accept him as a friend.

Your needs are important too. If your needs and his needs do not align, then it may not be meant to be.
 
It he says he wants to stay just friends for now, listen to him or you really risk sabotaging the relationship forever. If he's not ready, he's not ready. Pushing for anything more will backfire.
 
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