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Supporter Still baffled

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by chiara vietto, Jan 25, 2018.

  1. chiara vietto

    chiara vietto New Member

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    1. My partner of 20 years suffered child physical and emotional abuse, when we met he was in therapy for depression and was feeling better and told me that I was the best think that could happen to him. He was always nice and helpful ,but got tense sometimes expecially around his family, but I thought it was normal due to his past. He never wanted to have kids because he was afraid of mot being able to handle the stress, and because I was in love I did not break up with him about him. Fast forward 19 years, my father past away and last year and I was a little down and didn’t pay to much attention to his changing behavior, but he was becoming very isolated, cut all the contact with his parents, always tired , not being able to sleep well and irritable. When I came back from visitingy family he started yelling at me that to get out of the house, that I was selfish, lying, . he actually wanted me to kick me out of my house. Could not offer reasonable explanations...examples of me being selfish or mean. I actually offered possible reasons, but he said that was too late.Basically it didn’t make any sense. Note that up intill then he had been always very attentive, always calling me at 5 to know when was i going home from work. We were going out for dinner every week in fancy restaurants and bought a new house together 3 years ago. One other thing he used to get sad everytime i had to go out of town.

    2. After this outburst hjust shut down. Well I didn’t leave because I wanted to have closure and see what was really going on. I was thinking he pushed everybody out and now its me. He is basically living in survival mode at the moment.
    3. Well one day I have discovered that he has a son that he never told me about it, from a relationship that he had before me. i was shocked and felt a sense of betrayal, but because of his cPTSD I know that i cannot confront him that way i want to. Why he kept this secret for so many years? he deserted this kid.Was our relationship all lie? when he was yelling you are selfish , i hate you, I think that he was telling all this things to himself. I don’t think that our relationship is salvageable, but i would to be able to talk to him…and understand. ..what will be the best way to approach him?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2018
    B.J., Congruency and EveHarrington like this.
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington ________ in progress Premium Member

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    Welcome!
     
  4. AliciaEff

    AliciaEff Member

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    The unfortunate thing about men raised in the Western world (assuming he was) is that society has taught them that anger is the only emotional that is valuable to display. It can be very difficult as a supporter to be around someone who is angry because it is outwardly harmful, whereas bein around someone who is sad may be easier because that is more of an internal pain.

    Your partner’s anger and outbursts seem very much related to his mental illnesses, but that doesn’t mean that it id your responsibility to ensure that he is okay. If he is not putting in enough work to heal, then there is nothing there for you to support. It seems like you have done all you can and that you were a great partner to him when you were together.

    Perhaps the best way to approach it is to ask him if he would like to talk. Tell him that you understand that his anger is due to his pain, but that his actions and words towards you are unaccpetable. If he takes issue with that, give him some more time and space.

    It’s great that you want to help, but don’t feel bad if your efforts don’t go as far as you’d like
     
    chiara vietto, B.J. and ladee like this.
  5. Justmehere

    Justmehere Defying the odds Moderator Premium Member

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  6. chiara vietto

    chiara vietto New Member

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    Thanks for your reply it very helpful! Yes he was raised in the western world, and he always promised that didn't want to become like his father, but the way he was verbally attacking me and trying to get back at me was very similar to what his father still does to his wife. My partner was never physically abusive, actually he is very sensitive to touch and sometimes when I touched him inadvertently he used to say: ouch you hurt me!
    But it seems that now he is accusing me for something I haven't done. In the last few months before this break down he was taking every little thing as a rejection and looking very concerned but then he flipped completely on the other side.
     
    AliciaEff likes this.
  7. Snowflakes

    Snowflakes Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    Has he been diagnosed with PTSD? Is he going to therapy for PTSD?

    C-PTSD is not a diagnosis in the DSM-5 manual so while the therapist will understand he may be suffering from C-PTSD, they diagnose PTSD. You wrote that when you met he was in therapy for depression. I have learned that depression and anxiety seem to come along with C-PTSD because of the childhood trauma.

    In case you haven’t gotten around to reading our supporters stories yet (which I would suggest doing because you’ll find a lot of similarities to what you’re experiencing), my sufferer is in therapy for C-PTSD due to childhood abuse along with meds and therapy for depression and anxiety rooted in her childhood trauma. I have been trying to be a good supporter for over 10 years.

    The 2 quotes from you that I attached to my post describes exactly what I have been going through. At one point in therapy, my sufferer actually realized she “was her mother” with respect to her accusations directed towards me that were totally untrue.

    So, the point of my reply is that what you are describing from someone with C-PTSD happens. The person closest to the sufferer generally receives the brunt of their lashing out.

    The best suggestion I can give you at the moment is to read the articles on the home page, especially https://www.myptsd.com/the-ptsd-cup-explanation/399/

    Get into the supporters section and read our stories and ask specific questions there. You’ll need to learn coping skills including boundaries.

    Take care of you.
     
  8. chiara vietto

    chiara vietto New Member

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    Did your partner eventually realized that she "was her mother" ??
    When he asked me to get the f******* of the house I didn't move out, I was too much in shock and didn't seem fair to me. Also, he always had abandonment issue, and so didn't understand what was happening. I don't know if it was re right decision?? I am giving a lot of space..basically not interacting at all, I don't know it is enough for him to feel safe.. some times he goes away for work and leaves his dog in the house or doesn't come back in the evening like tonight (I guess assuming I am taking care of his dog??). I am really at loss here.. I feel ..that if is going to tell me again to leave I am going to ask if can take his dog with me for a while so I don't have to worry about her...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2018
  9. Snowflakes

    Snowflakes Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    @chiara vietto I don’t have a way of pulling quotes from your last post so I’ll just re-write them.

    You write that you don’t know if it was the right decision. I can’t answer that. If you mean the right decision by him, then you can’t answer either. Your decisions have to be based on what works for you. You don’t say if you’re married. You also don’t say of you’re both on a joint rental agreement for housing. If you live with someone long enough, some States recognize “common law” marriages. The point being, assuming we are talking about a partner with diagnosed PTSD, you may not be able to reason with him while he is symptomatic. In any case, you do what is legally right for your circumstances and also what works for you. You cannot make decisions based on what you think someone is doing or not doing because they are isolating or ghosting or simply hitting the road.

    You are referring to his dog. If it is, in fact, his dog then let him take care of his own pet.

    No one can tell you what to do relative to your housing. As long as you’re not in physical danger, you have a right to stay in your own house. If it’s a joint house, either by rental agreement, mortgage, or you have legal status depending on your State, you don’t have to leave. Actually, it sounds like he has left.

    You haven’t yet told us if he has been diagnosed with PTSD. Is it possible this is a relationship break up? PTSD doesn’t rob a person of their ability to make life choices.

    I feel your pain and confusion but I don’t know enough of your history to do anything other than offer my experiences or what I “think” may be happening.
     
    Justmehere and chiara vietto like this.
  10. chiara vietto

    chiara vietto New Member

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    We are not married, but we have been living together for 20 years and I helped with the monthly payments of the previous house (I trusted him) so when we decided to buy another house 3-4 years ago... it was his idea to put both names in the house. I helped as much as I could also with the planning, paying, and everything. For this reason I was so shocked by his behavior because someone in right state of mind wouldn't say that... knowing that's my house too, I don't have anywhere else to go. He didn't leave, he is still here but we are in separate bedrooms. I wouldn't kick him out due to his emotional state. I think this house was his dream ..I don't know why he put my name down if he wasn't committed to our relationship. He completely shut down for now, he doesn't touch the food I cook (as if it would take him back to me???). I am the only person that cares about him. His family is far away and they almost erased him as a son ...
    2 years ago I was gone for several months to take care of my elderly parents that passed away, he was very stressed out then, making me feel guilty for not being with him. It was a very rough time for me, because unlike him ..I cared about my parents a lot and they needed my help..
    I feel betrayed, because I always supported him with his family I was a buffer many times.. and when I was down weak he flipped and lashed out at me.. I know is routed in trauma, but I feel jealous that one day he will talk with his parents again but not with me. I saw his struggle trying to please his father.. and being rejected every time..i just don't get it...
    Thanks
     
  11. Snowflakes

    Snowflakes Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    ok, legally you don’t have to leave your own home. You may also have more rights depending on your State. I would probably recommend you look into this before your relationship gets worse. I’m not saying it will, I’m just saying that it’s a good idea to know your legal rights when it comes to having a place to live. It also works both ways. Unless he physically assaults you, you don’t have the legal right to throw him out of a house you jointly own.

    With respect to why you are here. There is nothing you can do or say to either get him into therapy if he does, in fact, have C-PTSD and there is nothing you can do to fix him. Yes, you may have supported him and helped him in the past with his family but this is one thing you do not have the power to fix. Only he does.

    You’ve lived with him for 20 years, you know him better than me. When you think it’s right, try to start an calm conversation and find out what’s on his mind. His parents and his past is just that. You need to look at your present. You want a conversation of your present. Even if he does have PTSD....and I don’t know that because you haven’t said he was diagnosed, he still has the ability to talk to you about your present and future.

    While some of what you write can look like PTSD symptoms, a lot of it can also look like real life with someone who also had a bad childhood. Without a diagnosis or him being in treatment, no one knows....including you.
     
  12. chiara vietto

    chiara vietto New Member

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    You are right I am not sure 100% of his mental state.. Initially, I just taught that all the sudden he was being a jerk addicted to video games, I also blamed myself for leaving him alone for 2 weeks, I thought he liked some younger woman and was trying to manipulate me into leaving the house.. basically playing on my feeling so I will all upset leaving my house with a broken heart ..but it didn't feel right. So I taped the " conversations" he had with me and 5 different mental health professionals told me that he was not rational, and although not sure about the diagnosis, they all agreed that something was wrong with him.. One suggested depression and another one psychosis (with pathological projections) .., then a male therapist suggest PTSD and I started looking more into it and it made sense that the trauma during his childhood may play a role in his behavior. when he was yelling and freezing he had the same crazy expression ..that had when his father was here.. and was making him nervous .. I realized that I cannot talk to him normally right now, every time I had approached him he either shuts down or say irrational thing like:- you are going to jail for contributing to house payments!! I know is hopeless, just would like to talk to him.. but shutting down it is his way of coping, he has not talked to his brother for the past 18 years, every time we saw his brother at a families reunions, his neck is swelling but he cannot talk to him. Apparently his parents always liked his brother better than him and his older brother beat him up when they were kids. It is just hard for me knowing that now I am just as bad as his brother??So for him it is easy to erase people from his life, he erased his old friends when he felt slightly rejected , he has no good friends..
    I wish he was just mean, I would not hesitate to take his dog and leave when he goes out of town.. and basically abandon his dog..but I am afraid he would kill him.. he seems to still love his dog.. and she loves him and me ..
    Thanks,..
     
  13. Justmehere

    Justmehere Defying the odds Moderator Premium Member

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    In a calm manner, with boundaries, asking for what you need to make this work - and to make it clear, if he doesn’t get help, you’ll need to buy your way out of the house or something.
    Why are you concerned for the dog? Is he not able to care for himself and the dog anymore?
    Why did you take these conversations? Did he and the provider know?

    You are trying so hard to figure out his pathology. He needs an on-going relationship with a provider to work it out.

    Here’s the thing: people with mental illness are not immune from being jerks and addicted video games too.

    He clearly is breaking down and needs help. Focus on that, and since you don’t believe this relationship is salvageable, start working on next steps to move on.
     
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