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Still Seeking Answers - The Guilt Of Worthiness

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Limbo, Oct 17, 2006.

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  1. Limbo

    Limbo New Member

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    I was diagnosed in 1997 with PTSD. On and off of meds for a few years, then i gave up the vicious circle of antidepressants and with help from my family overcame (learned to deal with?) the majority of my symptoms. It took a lot of willpower, and a lot of time.

    Now i'm married, with two children, and for some reason, all the symptoms came back with a vengence. The nightmares, the anxiety, the fear. After having read about all the terrible things that have happened to so many that have PTSD as well, it's still hard for me to feel i belong. I feel like what i have suffered is nothing and I don't deserve it..like i haven't earned it? It seems to be an extra guilt to me that i am so weak, to have these emotions and feelings where my pain wasn't nearly as bad as all of yours.

    I'm here because i hope to find some answers for myself to help me move on and conquer this relapse.
     
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  3. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

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    Welcome Limbo, thanks for finding us. You are obviously a veteran to this PTSD stuff.

    Anthony, can you post that piece I read earlier about the format or stages of recovery? I can't for the life of me remember where I read it. I want to print it out for my reference and thought it might give Limbo a good perspective as well.

    Again, Limbo - welcome!

    ~Boo
     
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Limbo, welcome. And congrats on having it under control at one point, great work we all strive for. I am sure we would love the added help of another who has been down that road to getting to feeling well. I am very sorry to hear about the relapse, but if you beat it once you know what is in store. Having PTSD is certainly no "badge of honor" to feel like you deserve it. Actually none of us do if you think about it now, right?

    PTSD is not a sign of weakness, and what ever caused it may not match others exactly. We all sit around and think how horrible for the next while they think the same of you. Quite normal, in my opinion. I am shocked at what some people went through and think it is 10 times worse than I, but then they show just as much shock back.

    Do you know what caused your relapse? When did it start back up? Did you stop practicing what you did to overcome it to begin with? It seems like something you always have to work at to keep in check from what I am seeing. And it certainly is a hell of a ride to trying to get your head on straight. I hope you find what you need to get back to having it under control and maybe stick around to help us too.
     
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    cookie I'm a VIP

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    welcome, limbo!
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Limbo, welcome aboard. Something you should never beat yourself up over, is how you got PTSD. We all suffer different trauma within our lives, and as we are all individuals as such, what is traumatic for one, may not for another, but it is still traumatic for that one person, and that in itself must be respected. It never makes it easier for us when two people are exposed to the one trauma, one gets PTSD and one does not, then the one who doesn't is telling the other to "get over it" and all the usual catch phrases associated. That just makes things worse, and often is the cause for our associated guilt I guess.

    I think what you have learnt is something similar to my own PTSD at one point, even though I never knew I had it at this time, I came home from operations, ditched my wife and child, went of the rails for some time, and it took me about two years to slowly pull myself back together again, still unbeknowst that I had PTSD itself. I deployed again when I had recovered my sanity and then everything I had felt previously, came back worst again, except this time I couldn't get myself past it so easily, hence I ended up in therapy, medicated, and told I had extremely bad PTSD. Yeh... a name for what had been happening in my life for many years.

    What I learnt though after all this, is that I will continue in that cycle of sickness, self recovery, sickness, self recovery, until such time as I chose to actively face all my lifes trauma/s, thus ridding my mind of the pain so my past stops haunting me. I did that, then I learnt that PTSD requires ongoing self management for life, to ensure I did not expose myself to stressors that I once was capable to deal with, because the symptoms would return and kick my arse once again.

    I think maybe your somewhere in this category also.... learning that it is going to keep kicking your butt until something is done about it. Did you expose all your past trauma when you got yourself past it last time? Maybe this outbreak is some learning management skills? I think you did a great job though to function for such a long duration, all by yourself. That jumps out at me as saying your one very focused and strong minded person, all of which are positive self aspects to beat PTSD once and for all, too only manage it from that point.

    I give you a huge well done for your efforts on what you have achieved.
     
  7. Limbo

    Limbo New Member

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    Thank you for the welcome.

    After careful consideration, I believe I have worked past the inital "quake" but not the aftershocks. (as best a metaphor as i can find).

    It's difficult for me to seperate it, as the memories are jumbled up, but I can see where my problem is now. The inital quake was thinking my friend was dead, after we were both struck by a truck while crossing the street. The blood on her face, and her still and unresponding form will always haunt me (or it seems that way). The aftershocks would be me trying to escape those PTSD symptoms while i was slowly losing myself. I didn't know at the time, but when i had struck my head on the pavement I started bleeding in my brain. I would black out, and wake up somewhere else. A different city, to different people. I thought i was losing my mind..while trying to cope with the nightmares, etc that the intial accident had left me with. I ended up going into grand mal seizures and having an NDE almost a year after the accident. I had brain surgery, I got epilepsy, and a whole lot of anger.

    My previous bout with PTSD i dealt with the accident..NONE of what i went through. The problem i have with using the methods i used before is that i have forgotten them (side effect of having your brain poked at. lol)

    I have read through much of the forum. Is it permissable to write a diary immediately, or do i need to wait? I remember writing before, over and over until i could make it past each difficult point.
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Limbo, the diaries are available to you whenever you want to use them. Please, use what you have access too, as this is what we are here to do, being help one another.

    That must have been quite a scary time for you in regard to memory loss at that level, waking up in new cities, places, knowing nothing about what you have done, or your life in general at times. I am glad you got the surgery you so much needed. Has it fixed the bleeding on the brain / memory issue for you now? I hope so...
     
  9. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

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    Hey Limbo

    Nice to wmeet ya

    The diaries are great (even if I continually cry)

    *pets* anthony, not your fault tho, just me attempting to cvope.

    Umm, that was a wee off topic.
     
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