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Stood Up For Myself

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trapped

MyPTSD Pro
So I've been in the hospital over a week now due to my kidneys not functioning properly. Because I freaked out about the dextrose IV drip that was necessary and fought that (and found creative ways to cause the bag to "accidentally" leak) I was forced to start having a sitter with me 24/7 to watch me (that, plus two days ago when I finally gave in and started to eat, they don't trust me to eat everything and not hide food nor to not purge after even though that's not a normal behavior for me- they know the hospital could cause me to find any behavior to use that I can).

I've had a horrible time with some flashbacks and nightmares here lately, and last night the sitter they sent was male. I've had bad experiences of things male adult figures have done to me while I was sleeping, and with already having had several horrible nights of sleep, there was NO WAY I was sleeping with a male sitter- I'm okay with them during the day, it's the whole sleeping part that brings up trauma, and that's not something to add to when you're already having flashbacks and nightmares!

I tried to solve the problem by first talking to him, but he was pretty rude (even told me to shut up, along with other inappropriate things). Okay, no actually I first solve the problem by throwing a hissy fit, being gruff with one of the nurses (not typical of me, I try to go out of my way to be extra sweet with the hospital staff for all they do) and moved and sat in a chair across the room, complaining out loud about how I am sooo tired and not getting any sleep is gonna suck, and how I'm bored of playing solitaire on my computer and just NEED to sleep and my body NEEDS sleep... I finally grew up from the 5 year old I was acting like, tried talking to the guy, when that didn't work paged the nurse, and just kept advocating for myself to as many people for as long as it took, and it eventually worked out, there was a female sitter available right down the hall and she was able to come in instead and they switched. I fell asleep within two minutes lol

It is really hard for me to stand up for myself when things bother me- especially something as simple as a gender difference. But I just think if I have to have someone watch me eat, pee, do everything including sleep then I should be able to have a gender preference, especially when my preferences are largely influenced by past trauma. I mean, even with guys I know (like ex-boyfriends and stuff) it's taken a LONG time for me to be okay with them being around when I'm asleep (I eventually would get better, especially with the boyfriends, but that took a LONG time... so a total stranger, wasn't happening).

Maybe it's something I shouldn't have not been okay with to begin with, maybe I shouldn't have needed to advocate for myself, but the fact I did advocate for myself and speak up for my needs is a HUGE step regardless of it just being a petty issue of getting someone that's my same gender in the room since I wasn't comfortable with a guy (and I even said I don't doubt he's probably one of the nicest guys and really sweet and great, and professional- well, maybe not 100% professional with how he acted towards me and spoke towards me) but my anxiety tolerances had been tapped out for the day already, I hadn't been sleeping much already due to the nightmares and I just REALLY needed last night. And I had a couple nightmares, but not as bad as they have been, and slept through most the night even! I did start to wake up when one of the nurses came in and started talking to the sitter last night in an unprofessional manner and sharing things that didn't need to be shared, but I'm not going to complain, I'm just going to work on forgetting and letting go.
 
I know it can be difficult to be in a hospital setting and stand up for yourself. I go through that myself. You are stuck and they are in charge. It's hard not to flip to the child inside. So GOOD FOR YOU!!

R
 
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