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Emerg Services Struggling With Anger Outbursts Hatred.

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SMR90

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I'm 25 soon to be 26 firefighter paramedic in Texas on a respected and well known department in the fire service. Ive been on the job since I was 18, a drop in the bucket compared to some I realize that. I have been dealing with anger out bursts recently. Ill start with the backstory.

My very successful father walked out on my mom and I when I was 4, he came in and out of my life but was never really there for me. He moved back to our city when I was 11, had a caretaker when I was at his house, she sexually and emotionally abused me for a year. I pretended that everything was fine. In middle and high school I was part of the jock/ cool kids group. Always dated the pretty girls, played football , baseball and rugby. From the outside I had a great life, but the shame of what happened to me stuck with me, I would play it off by being the funny guy or the joker all of the time. After graduating high school I started college, and then ended up getting on the FD in the city I was going to school in about a month after school had started, so school didn't happen. I started dating a girl a few months into the job who's dad was a fireman in my hometown that I know work for. We dated for 3 years, I started working more jobs to help put her through school, as soon as she graduated and got a job as a commercial developer we got engaged bought a house, I got on with my current department as well which is a whole lot bigger than the one I was with. 2 days after being engaged during my rookie year with my current department she out of nowhere told me she was done and wanted me out of our home. A week later she was showing up to our friends home with her 40 year old boss on her arm. I fell into a deep depression, that shock coupled with an inability to cope with what happened to me as a kid just made me lose it. I started popping 10-15 hydrocodone per day, coupled with copious amounts of booze. This went on for 3+ years, during that time I started using anabolic steroids as well, started having a lot of casual sex with girls Id meet in bars, along with couples I would meet either online or in bars. I experimented with other men as well. During this time I did great at work, working in busy houses, showing no fear on incidents because I was high all of the time. Then I met a girl, who initially started off as a friend for a while that I fell in love with. She found out about the pills a week after we started dating in September 2014 and basically said regardless of whether we stayed together or not she was going to help me beat this. She also found out about the casual sex partners and swinging. I kicked the pills and booze cold turkey. I still would contact sexual partners from before, because with out the pills I still needed a vice. She found out and still stayed by my side. I would stop for a few months and then go back to it. Later on summer of 2015 I found out that during that first week of dating when she found out about the pills she had gone back to her ex boyfriend for a night. I was devastated, I flew into a rage. I'm disappointed and ashamed to say that I put my hands on her. She still loved me and stayed with me. I fell back into temptation and continued talking to people from my past, setting up fake emails to talk to people. It was my vice my release. Without the pills life was to real, couple that with having the misfortune of making several traumatic calls involving kids and babies back to back to back and I was ready to lose it. Recently I had started to get angrier and angrier. I couldn't hold it in exploding at random moments. Then almost 10 days ago, this incredible woman that I am madly in love with that has stood by me told me that she was afraid of me. This shattered my world. I am a bigger guy 6'1 250lb powerlifter and strongman, I can be intimidating to people, but hearing the woman who I want to marry say that killed me. It shattered me. At that moment I decided I just wasn't going to allow myself to be this way anymore. I wanted to stop all of the bullshit and be the man that she deserved no more rage no more talking to people from my past. A few days after that she discovered the contacts and emails I had been continuing from the weeks before. She was going to move out, I told her to stay in the house and I'm currently staying at my parents. She has told me now that she loves me, she is still in love with me surprisingly. I am everything she wants 96% of the time but the 4% is what is killing us. I have stopped everything I have decided to become a better happier me.

That being said I am still struggling with some things. I am what you would call a black cloud on the job, I seem to get all of the worst calls if I work at a slow station on overtime they get really busy, I work at one of the busiest houses in the worst part of my city. I recently had a 7 month old baby die on me as I took it from his grandmother to start an assessment, we ran the full code, I intubated the patient , was able to get iv access, gave all of the meds I could and we still lost the baby. I have seen that baby almost every night since in my sleep. I see all 5 of the kids that have died on me in the past 2 years in my dreams. They didn't die because of my incompetence, I am very good at the firefighting and medic aspect of my job, but it still bothers me. Sometimes I get the urge to pour a big glass of jack Daniels on the rocks and drink until I cant feel anymore. I get upset about it but I'm working on not letting it boil over.

Could use some help
 
(((SM)))) Your story is very powerful. It is so full of emotion. You are brave to be doing what you are doing and I encourage you to hang out here for a while. Many people here have suffered a lot and have really good tips on how to get through. I also have outbursts that are very hard to control because I start to tremor when they hit. I have had to just let go and find I am crying in public places and all sorts of things.

Music helps me to calm down after and even has prevented some getting worse. The gym helps but I cry at the gym and people think I am a freak. But I stay away from the house.

I hope you find help and solace here. You deserve it. NO ONE deserves to be abused by a caregiver for a whole year and that one sentence has me boiling............!!!!!
 
Welcome. I am new here as well. And I can relate to you on so many levels. I have childhood trauma that was a precursor to my adult ptsd. I am a medic and a firefighter for a career department. I have been betrayed in my younger years by people I trusted and was devastated. I turned to risky behavior and alcohol to get through it.

But, I want to talk to you seriously. Firefighter to firefighter. I get it. You get it. The sounds, the smells, the visuals, the adrenaline, the sleep deprivation, the brother/sisterhood, the honor, the stress, the few successful attempts, the countless failures. I am on your page. And, you are my brother and I love you, even though I have never met you before. That is why I tell you this:

Grab your rage and look it directly in the eye. Are you safe for your loved ones? I've seen the red and shaken with the rage. Are you safe? If you are not, you have to drop the gear and the bottle. Or you hafta make space for her to be away from you to be safe until you have a handle on it. Our horrors are never an excuse to physically harm others. And if you need time to get a handle on it, take it. I want you to succeed in your career. I want you to be happy and to be whole. I want you to survive this.

I was an overtime junkie. I kept busy and thrived on lack of sleep. I had to make myself stop. All the time running calls and being busy allowed me to avoid facing my issues. I was tired and burnt out years before I actually realized it. Adrenal fatigue is so real. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others. If you ever need to talk, message me. I am standing knee deep in the same shit as you.
 
Betrayal is a major bitch for me- It sends me right into a furious zone. It definitely aggravated my symptoms from other inital trigger incidents. I can't let unloyalty or unsolid behavior slide- so I thrive on the fight, and in turn suffer for it- like you did I suppose in your own way. I have been focusing on just accepting that 1/2 the world, well lets be honest 3/4 of it, are simply weak sisters, and I don't ever want to join their ranks. As long as I'm solid, that's all that really matters until the final bell....that thought seems to get me through most days. Otherwise I was snapping into fighting whenever provoked by rats.

I steer clear from most people anyways....dogs and horses are better company, they never dissapoint.
 
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