I'm 25 soon to be 26 firefighter paramedic in Texas on a respected and well known department in the fire service. Ive been on the job since I was 18, a drop in the bucket compared to some I realize that. I have been dealing with anger out bursts recently. Ill start with the backstory.
My very successful father walked out on my mom and I when I was 4, he came in and out of my life but was never really there for me. He moved back to our city when I was 11, had a caretaker when I was at his house, she sexually and emotionally abused me for a year. I pretended that everything was fine. In middle and high school I was part of the jock/ cool kids group. Always dated the pretty girls, played football , baseball and rugby. From the outside I had a great life, but the shame of what happened to me stuck with me, I would play it off by being the funny guy or the joker all of the time. After graduating high school I started college, and then ended up getting on the FD in the city I was going to school in about a month after school had started, so school didn't happen. I started dating a girl a few months into the job who's dad was a fireman in my hometown that I know work for. We dated for 3 years, I started working more jobs to help put her through school, as soon as she graduated and got a job as a commercial developer we got engaged bought a house, I got on with my current department as well which is a whole lot bigger than the one I was with. 2 days after being engaged during my rookie year with my current department she out of nowhere told me she was done and wanted me out of our home. A week later she was showing up to our friends home with her 40 year old boss on her arm. I fell into a deep depression, that shock coupled with an inability to cope with what happened to me as a kid just made me lose it. I started popping 10-15 hydrocodone per day, coupled with copious amounts of booze. This went on for 3+ years, during that time I started using anabolic steroids as well, started having a lot of casual sex with girls Id meet in bars, along with couples I would meet either online or in bars. I experimented with other men as well. During this time I did great at work, working in busy houses, showing no fear on incidents because I was high all of the time. Then I met a girl, who initially started off as a friend for a while that I fell in love with. She found out about the pills a week after we started dating in September 2014 and basically said regardless of whether we stayed together or not she was going to help me beat this. She also found out about the casual sex partners and swinging. I kicked the pills and booze cold turkey. I still would contact sexual partners from before, because with out the pills I still needed a vice. She found out and still stayed by my side. I would stop for a few months and then go back to it. Later on summer of 2015 I found out that during that first week of dating when she found out about the pills she had gone back to her ex boyfriend for a night. I was devastated, I flew into a rage. I'm disappointed and ashamed to say that I put my hands on her. She still loved me and stayed with me. I fell back into temptation and continued talking to people from my past, setting up fake emails to talk to people. It was my vice my release. Without the pills life was to real, couple that with having the misfortune of making several traumatic calls involving kids and babies back to back to back and I was ready to lose it. Recently I had started to get angrier and angrier. I couldn't hold it in exploding at random moments. Then almost 10 days ago, this incredible woman that I am madly in love with that has stood by me told me that she was afraid of me. This shattered my world. I am a bigger guy 6'1 250lb powerlifter and strongman, I can be intimidating to people, but hearing the woman who I want to marry say that killed me. It shattered me. At that moment I decided I just wasn't going to allow myself to be this way anymore. I wanted to stop all of the bullshit and be the man that she deserved no more rage no more talking to people from my past. A few days after that she discovered the contacts and emails I had been continuing from the weeks before. She was going to move out, I told her to stay in the house and I'm currently staying at my parents. She has told me now that she loves me, she is still in love with me surprisingly. I am everything she wants 96% of the time but the 4% is what is killing us. I have stopped everything I have decided to become a better happier me.
That being said I am still struggling with some things. I am what you would call a black cloud on the job, I seem to get all of the worst calls if I work at a slow station on overtime they get really busy, I work at one of the busiest houses in the worst part of my city. I recently had a 7 month old baby die on me as I took it from his grandmother to start an assessment, we ran the full code, I intubated the patient , was able to get iv access, gave all of the meds I could and we still lost the baby. I have seen that baby almost every night since in my sleep. I see all 5 of the kids that have died on me in the past 2 years in my dreams. They didn't die because of my incompetence, I am very good at the firefighting and medic aspect of my job, but it still bothers me. Sometimes I get the urge to pour a big glass of jack Daniels on the rocks and drink until I cant feel anymore. I get upset about it but I'm working on not letting it boil over.
Could use some help
My very successful father walked out on my mom and I when I was 4, he came in and out of my life but was never really there for me. He moved back to our city when I was 11, had a caretaker when I was at his house, she sexually and emotionally abused me for a year. I pretended that everything was fine. In middle and high school I was part of the jock/ cool kids group. Always dated the pretty girls, played football , baseball and rugby. From the outside I had a great life, but the shame of what happened to me stuck with me, I would play it off by being the funny guy or the joker all of the time. After graduating high school I started college, and then ended up getting on the FD in the city I was going to school in about a month after school had started, so school didn't happen. I started dating a girl a few months into the job who's dad was a fireman in my hometown that I know work for. We dated for 3 years, I started working more jobs to help put her through school, as soon as she graduated and got a job as a commercial developer we got engaged bought a house, I got on with my current department as well which is a whole lot bigger than the one I was with. 2 days after being engaged during my rookie year with my current department she out of nowhere told me she was done and wanted me out of our home. A week later she was showing up to our friends home with her 40 year old boss on her arm. I fell into a deep depression, that shock coupled with an inability to cope with what happened to me as a kid just made me lose it. I started popping 10-15 hydrocodone per day, coupled with copious amounts of booze. This went on for 3+ years, during that time I started using anabolic steroids as well, started having a lot of casual sex with girls Id meet in bars, along with couples I would meet either online or in bars. I experimented with other men as well. During this time I did great at work, working in busy houses, showing no fear on incidents because I was high all of the time. Then I met a girl, who initially started off as a friend for a while that I fell in love with. She found out about the pills a week after we started dating in September 2014 and basically said regardless of whether we stayed together or not she was going to help me beat this. She also found out about the casual sex partners and swinging. I kicked the pills and booze cold turkey. I still would contact sexual partners from before, because with out the pills I still needed a vice. She found out and still stayed by my side. I would stop for a few months and then go back to it. Later on summer of 2015 I found out that during that first week of dating when she found out about the pills she had gone back to her ex boyfriend for a night. I was devastated, I flew into a rage. I'm disappointed and ashamed to say that I put my hands on her. She still loved me and stayed with me. I fell back into temptation and continued talking to people from my past, setting up fake emails to talk to people. It was my vice my release. Without the pills life was to real, couple that with having the misfortune of making several traumatic calls involving kids and babies back to back to back and I was ready to lose it. Recently I had started to get angrier and angrier. I couldn't hold it in exploding at random moments. Then almost 10 days ago, this incredible woman that I am madly in love with that has stood by me told me that she was afraid of me. This shattered my world. I am a bigger guy 6'1 250lb powerlifter and strongman, I can be intimidating to people, but hearing the woman who I want to marry say that killed me. It shattered me. At that moment I decided I just wasn't going to allow myself to be this way anymore. I wanted to stop all of the bullshit and be the man that she deserved no more rage no more talking to people from my past. A few days after that she discovered the contacts and emails I had been continuing from the weeks before. She was going to move out, I told her to stay in the house and I'm currently staying at my parents. She has told me now that she loves me, she is still in love with me surprisingly. I am everything she wants 96% of the time but the 4% is what is killing us. I have stopped everything I have decided to become a better happier me.
That being said I am still struggling with some things. I am what you would call a black cloud on the job, I seem to get all of the worst calls if I work at a slow station on overtime they get really busy, I work at one of the busiest houses in the worst part of my city. I recently had a 7 month old baby die on me as I took it from his grandmother to start an assessment, we ran the full code, I intubated the patient , was able to get iv access, gave all of the meds I could and we still lost the baby. I have seen that baby almost every night since in my sleep. I see all 5 of the kids that have died on me in the past 2 years in my dreams. They didn't die because of my incompetence, I am very good at the firefighting and medic aspect of my job, but it still bothers me. Sometimes I get the urge to pour a big glass of jack Daniels on the rocks and drink until I cant feel anymore. I get upset about it but I'm working on not letting it boil over.
Could use some help