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I am so anxious. I am so reactive.
I am scared I am not good enough to teach meanings of the poems and also complex sentences. This really is ridiculous on some levels but it feels really real to me. I feel am such a failure that I have this crazy idea in my head that I should kill myself which is way over the top for such a thing. I want to die to prevent failure and the failure could happen, but is I prepare it is unlikely. But I have wicked anxiety. I feel like going to sleep which is avoidance.
I struggle on a daily basis at the moment - I suspect my rational mind doesn't even get a look in.
I didn't realise how ungrounded and not present that I am in class. I tried to be more present in class this week and I was much more there. On Thursday I had a student suspended for swearing at me - last Friday he got right in my face and was threatening. It did trigger me but I didn't really get how much that effected me. A teacher of 28 years experience couldn't manage them the other day.
I feel like a failure and part of it could be self sabotage.
Yesterday I went in to the school, told them I wasn't well, gave them the lesson resources and went home. I came home and slept four hours - the thing is that I have Wednesdays off - so I was at the school for one day and took another day off. I was barely able to stay awake most of yesterday. I really needed a break though. I was so exhausted.
Many other prac teachers are struggling as well.
My anxiety is pretty high and I have suicidal ideation.
The difficult class has been triggering me in a few ways.
I have a supervising teacher who is an alcoholic and is often hungover and is not so helpful a lot of the time. He apologised for not getting on top of the kid who behaved inappropriately towards me - he has sworn at me a few times now. He was giving me an appraisal whilst doing live gambling on his mobile phone, which I did not find helpful or feel he took me seriously - and he is not really safe for me to be around.
The other supervising teacher is good but I haven't done so well over there as all my energy went into managing this other situation.
I had a pretty bad experience on Thursday afternoon with my difficult class. They are great kids, just their behaviours are very difficult at times.
My challenged supervising teacher said I was too hard on the class but I thought I was being assertive. So I feel unconfident in how to manage things.
On top of that a lot of badness feelings have come up.
There were kids terribly bullied at the schools that I went to and I was terribly bullied as well at school, and a woman was raped by four police officers near one of my schools, and how hard school was for me has come up a bit. But I think about it too much.
I am rumination to avoid feeling feelings I think. Or it is just a default way of being. I am also having intrusive thoughts come in as well.
A much deeper level of distorted cognitions is coming up below the ones I worked on for with the David Burns book.
I walked for a hour this morning. I listened to "The Mindful Way Through Anxiety", I am trying to breathe, I am doing small bits of self compassion and radical acceptance but I am not doing so well at all. I am a bit of a mess. I want to run away but that won't help. I need to do work today. I keep crying.
I am really struggling to be here.
My sister said to keep it all in perspective and separate it from the past, that this is a new start. To do some self care and that I am inherently good what happened in the family was not my fault.
I can kind of hold on to that for a few seconds or a minute, then I lose it again.
A few times I have stopped to look after myself.
I am scared I am not good enough to teach meanings of the poems and also complex sentences. This really is ridiculous on some levels but it feels really real to me. I feel am such a failure that I have this crazy idea in my head that I should kill myself which is way over the top for such a thing. I want to die to prevent failure and the failure could happen, but is I prepare it is unlikely. But I have wicked anxiety. I feel like going to sleep which is avoidance.
I struggle on a daily basis at the moment - I suspect my rational mind doesn't even get a look in.
I didn't realise how ungrounded and not present that I am in class. I tried to be more present in class this week and I was much more there. On Thursday I had a student suspended for swearing at me - last Friday he got right in my face and was threatening. It did trigger me but I didn't really get how much that effected me. A teacher of 28 years experience couldn't manage them the other day.
I feel like a failure and part of it could be self sabotage.
Yesterday I went in to the school, told them I wasn't well, gave them the lesson resources and went home. I came home and slept four hours - the thing is that I have Wednesdays off - so I was at the school for one day and took another day off. I was barely able to stay awake most of yesterday. I really needed a break though. I was so exhausted.
Many other prac teachers are struggling as well.
My anxiety is pretty high and I have suicidal ideation.
The difficult class has been triggering me in a few ways.
I have a supervising teacher who is an alcoholic and is often hungover and is not so helpful a lot of the time. He apologised for not getting on top of the kid who behaved inappropriately towards me - he has sworn at me a few times now. He was giving me an appraisal whilst doing live gambling on his mobile phone, which I did not find helpful or feel he took me seriously - and he is not really safe for me to be around.
The other supervising teacher is good but I haven't done so well over there as all my energy went into managing this other situation.
I had a pretty bad experience on Thursday afternoon with my difficult class. They are great kids, just their behaviours are very difficult at times.
My challenged supervising teacher said I was too hard on the class but I thought I was being assertive. So I feel unconfident in how to manage things.
On top of that a lot of badness feelings have come up.
There were kids terribly bullied at the schools that I went to and I was terribly bullied as well at school, and a woman was raped by four police officers near one of my schools, and how hard school was for me has come up a bit. But I think about it too much.
I am rumination to avoid feeling feelings I think. Or it is just a default way of being. I am also having intrusive thoughts come in as well.
A much deeper level of distorted cognitions is coming up below the ones I worked on for with the David Burns book.
I walked for a hour this morning. I listened to "The Mindful Way Through Anxiety", I am trying to breathe, I am doing small bits of self compassion and radical acceptance but I am not doing so well at all. I am a bit of a mess. I want to run away but that won't help. I need to do work today. I keep crying.
I am really struggling to be here.
My sister said to keep it all in perspective and separate it from the past, that this is a new start. To do some self care and that I am inherently good what happened in the family was not my fault.
I can kind of hold on to that for a few seconds or a minute, then I lose it again.
A few times I have stopped to look after myself.
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