Justmehere
Sponsor
This is the start of my 4th week out of the intensive treatment program I was in and the 4th week since my therapist suddenly quit.
I had intake number #53 today. No joke. Turns out they will take me, with a deposit of money that beyond anything I can come up with. ($12,000) A therapist who claims k treat trauma who turned me down refgered me to this clinic, because they can offer a higher level of support. However, this clinic was very clear that they "are not trauma informed."
I was volunteering today for a short while at a non profit that helps people without homes. I had a massive panic attack and had to walk out. Nothing in my external environment triggered me, just a though about my old therapist being gone and my treatment falling through and being in all this pain, now will all this trauma opened up and more symptomatic than ever...
And someone offered me smack. I asked what that was. Heroin.
For a moment, it seemed like a possibility.
The only thing that stopped me: the knowledge that it would run out and tall the panic would be back and heroin withdrawals.
I have never had an alcohol or substance use problem in my life - there is so much addiction in my family, I have made an extra effort to stay away from more than the very rare drink. I've never been really tempted.
Until now. Between my now old psychiatrist calling in valium (and who quit my care two weeks ago with no refferals) and the local hospital/partial hospitalization program (who had deemed me "unable to benefit from outpatient or inpatient treatment") offering me piles of Ativan, and my primary care doc who is willing to do anything to try and stop the anxiety and is also wanting to restore to benzos... and every skill I know either failing or backfiring because now apparently every coping skill I learned in therapy is tied in a classical conditioning type of way to the memory of this therapist (that's bad) and weird intense feelings of abandonment or I don't even know what and this endless panic that lays for hours and hours where I'm shaking and vomiting and dripping with sweat... that starts almost every day at 5pm-ish....
Heroin is becoming a serious temptation. He managed to turn down everything valium, which I threw out after 24 hours... but now... all I can think about is going back and saying yes to anything I can...
Any drug.
I remember once hearing that there are no old heroin addicts. They either get clean or die. My sudden intense draw Is partly a sucidial one.
I need to stop this bad spriap down in a hurry. I need to run from this.
I could use any advice.
5 weeks ago, my prognosis was that I would be "mostly asymptomatic" in 3-6 months. Not ptsd free, but not in need of weekly trauma therpay but occasional support. Then, my whole life fell apart, I fell part, and burned down all my recovery.
Now, I'm deemed beyond all help and struggling to avoid making this bad decline even worse.
I'm very open to any ideas and feedback, no matter how honest or blunt.
I had intake number #53 today. No joke. Turns out they will take me, with a deposit of money that beyond anything I can come up with. ($12,000) A therapist who claims k treat trauma who turned me down refgered me to this clinic, because they can offer a higher level of support. However, this clinic was very clear that they "are not trauma informed."
I was volunteering today for a short while at a non profit that helps people without homes. I had a massive panic attack and had to walk out. Nothing in my external environment triggered me, just a though about my old therapist being gone and my treatment falling through and being in all this pain, now will all this trauma opened up and more symptomatic than ever...
And someone offered me smack. I asked what that was. Heroin.
For a moment, it seemed like a possibility.
The only thing that stopped me: the knowledge that it would run out and tall the panic would be back and heroin withdrawals.
I have never had an alcohol or substance use problem in my life - there is so much addiction in my family, I have made an extra effort to stay away from more than the very rare drink. I've never been really tempted.
Until now. Between my now old psychiatrist calling in valium (and who quit my care two weeks ago with no refferals) and the local hospital/partial hospitalization program (who had deemed me "unable to benefit from outpatient or inpatient treatment") offering me piles of Ativan, and my primary care doc who is willing to do anything to try and stop the anxiety and is also wanting to restore to benzos... and every skill I know either failing or backfiring because now apparently every coping skill I learned in therapy is tied in a classical conditioning type of way to the memory of this therapist (that's bad) and weird intense feelings of abandonment or I don't even know what and this endless panic that lays for hours and hours where I'm shaking and vomiting and dripping with sweat... that starts almost every day at 5pm-ish....
Heroin is becoming a serious temptation. He managed to turn down everything valium, which I threw out after 24 hours... but now... all I can think about is going back and saying yes to anything I can...
Any drug.
I remember once hearing that there are no old heroin addicts. They either get clean or die. My sudden intense draw Is partly a sucidial one.
I need to stop this bad spriap down in a hurry. I need to run from this.
I could use any advice.
5 weeks ago, my prognosis was that I would be "mostly asymptomatic" in 3-6 months. Not ptsd free, but not in need of weekly trauma therpay but occasional support. Then, my whole life fell apart, I fell part, and burned down all my recovery.
Now, I'm deemed beyond all help and struggling to avoid making this bad decline even worse.
I'm very open to any ideas and feedback, no matter how honest or blunt.
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