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Struggling

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bluepassport

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It's been a particularly hard few days. No specific triggers or causes that I can pinpoint. Just feeling horribly sad, angry and resentful (how is it possible to have all at once?!) and what my therapist would likely say is part of the grieving process that comes along with cPTSD.

I'm:
- angry at my family who don't care enough to ask how I'm doing and don't acknowledge in the slightest that they are responsible for the years of abuse and neglect
- angry at myself for still caring
- resentful towards my family who have little respect for me and continue to act as if I'm doing well
- angry at my few friends whom I've shared my traumas with. Their attitude has been one of "sorry, but I can't help you", "this makes me feel awkward", "you seem to be doing fine", or lately...just apathy.
- resentful for the things that happened to me, that I didn't have a choice in.
- sad at the loss of my childhood, adolescence and a "normal" adult life (I know...there is no such thing as normal...)
- sad at not having a solid support system in place to help me through this journey.
- angry at myself for not being more gentle and compassionate with myself.

I know these emotions are part of the process, and we must give ourselves the time and space to breathe through all of these emotions. My rational self knows these things. But my inner, hurt child is still in pieces and just wants someone who cares to be with her right now.

If I'm being honest today, I'm just really sick and tired of feeling like this and have been my entire life. Wondering if it ever goes away and how others cope.

Sending light to anyone else who is hurting.
 
Thanks for listening, @Ragdoll Circus - I guess that's what I've been struggling with, too. At times I feel like I want to run and embrace that child and tell them that they are loved and safe now. It seems easy at first blush. Most of the time, though, I feel like I can't get anywhere near that child, or think of the right things to say or just be paralized with fear. The moment I think something compassionate and tell myself that I'm safe now and I am in the process of healing, what immediately follows is the voices that I've heard all my life of "why can't you be stronger?", "get yourself up and stop crying...you are no different from others". I've explored this with my therapist and we're working on it. I'm just tired of doing this on my own, you know?

I appreciate you listening :happy: Talking things through with someone who gets it really is helping.
 
Dealing with my inner child the way a responsible adult would is exhaausting. You give them endless love & compassion & time and they still need more. So I really hear you!

All I can say is it's a measure of how badly we've been hurt in the past that our inner child is so damaged and needs so much time. When you can, give the child compassion and acceptance. When the voices kick in telling the child to just get over it already? I tell my inner child, "Look, Mama Bear is doing her best, but she's is just exhausted right now, so how about you watch some cartoons while Mama Bear takes some time out!?" Come back to the inner child in manageable doses.

For me, that's my way of communicating with myself that yes, my inner child is experiencing distressing and valid emotions, but at the same time, my present, adult world experience is also (validly) emotional and distresing and also needs some attention and care. It's ok for healthy parents to have needs, the important part isn't denying "I'm finding this exhausting", but being clear in your mind that both your child and adult experiences of the world are valid and need their own time.
 
Well you are not alone if you are here. No , we aren't setting on the couch having coffee with you, but we are absolutely here for you.
And yes, it gets better... and different. So much to learn, so many new tools to put in our tool box to get us thru the bad times.. And lots of support from us, no matter what kind of day you are having....

Are you afreaid of your little girl, or afraid you will hurt her? Glad to hear you and your T are working on this... There is a great book, called, Healing the Child Within.... don't know the author.... but helped me tremendously .

Can you do 'thought stopping'? When the negative stuff starts to jabber away... just tell it to STOP... takes practice, but it does work and it does help...

Happy you are reaching out... the more you share, the more we get to know you, and the more support you will have.. I understand your feelings and I also see that you know it's not going to last forever... so being here , tho we are not in person... we are here for you..... lots of awesome people here, willing to help...
 
Yes, it goes away. Then comes right back. Goes away again, and whoomp!, there it is again when you least expect it.

There's no real method to the madness, just a surety that it's bound to arrive sooner or later.

I just try to keep up with self-care (especially deep breathing, purposeful movement, nature, and mindful consumption) as best I can during, and especially the in between times, and try to remember thoughts aren't facts, it's none of my business what others think of me, and some days are simply going to be shittier than others as I continue to process all I've endured through the years.

Or, I try to nap a lot on the shittier days so I don't have to think about it. With the state of the world today, it's hard not to feel a full range of unpleasant emotions in trying to simply make it through each day. Wishing you wellness and lifted spirits.
 
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