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Sudden Panic / Anxiety Attack Prevented Surgery

Discussion in 'Anxiety, Panic & Hypervigilance' started by goingonhope, Jan 8, 2007.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    I feel just awful. Don't even know how to put my experience into words. Don't even really want to, as I can barely get away from my own self-defeating thoughts tonight...always self-defeating. It sucks. I'm so, so scared tonight. Need a really, really good cry and don't know when, where or why. Why bother?

    I certainly don't want to re-live my failure today, as it sucks...outright sucks...too too damn much. Did everything I could last night and this morning to be ready for surgery at 11:30am, and arrived many miles away at 10:30 this morning as instructed with husb. Had been told arrive an hour before surgery and our paperwork read, expect to wait 60 to 90 min. after arriving. Sat there, next to husb., making the best of it from 10:30am straight out until 2:30pm, at which point I began to fear losing my composure entirely. Both husb. and I had approached desk to make sure there had been no error, and I had been forgotten. At which point my face began to frown, and I was about to start sobbing while standing right there at the desk and in front of those women. Barely got the answer that there had been no mistake and that I would just have to wait. Something felt suspicious to me....like they f'd up royally in sched., or calling people into surgery, as there were 3 to 4 people come in an hr. after me and go in for surgery about 45 min. later. Now of course there may have been more than one doctor, more than one type of surgery being performed but watching this and that room completely empty twice and refill and listening the the shit fears' enter into my thoughts it was all way....way....way to fking much. I didn't really know it though. I had stood up, walked in adjoining waiting room and was finding space when suddenly it all became to much and I abruptly walked back into orig. waiting room and told husb. I'm leaving. After this my memory of what happened next is foggy...at one point I said, 'fck them all' ...another point started hyperventilating uncontrollably, then when I regained control of this my head hurt god awful and I was holding it with hands and saying something over and over....something like Ou' Ou' Ou', as my head began hurting intensely like I was overloaded up there and everything was going hay-wire,...at one point I think perhaps my husb. was trying to encourage me to come away from elevators and back into waiting rm. and I was saying, I just want to get out of here, I'm so embarrassed....another point the doors of the elevator opened and I fell through the entrance into it. It all sucked so bad, but most especially now there's fifty different fears and anxieties surrounding the whole bad' bad situation. And my husb. he was good....thank you God he was good....Oh' how I needed him then, and he was there. Thank you God.

    I need to, but I can't go on to talk anymore about this right now, as it's all way to upsetting to me. My poor daughter, when she arrived home she cried and was so angry at first with me. She cried how her and father made me a get well card the night before and now I didn't need it, she told me she was looking forward to taking care of me, and now I didn't need her too, she said how her teacher and all the classmates stopped during the day and said a prayer for me during my surgery, and I didn't even have surgery. I feel so sad, so awful inside, so much like a damn failure tonight. I can't stop crying. This hurts. Apparently I don't like feelings to much after all, feelings are such a nuisance, mine so intense at times...I don't just cry...it's like it comes from the depths of my soul and it's all just way too much.

    My god, I tried to avoid the embarrassment, but everyone there heard and saw what I went through and tonight I'm left feeling so so sorry to my husb., kids, and even my relatives who prayed, hoped and are now left confused and dissappointed.

    And, oh' what and expensive mess I'm now responsible for, and will have to clean up...more stress. So painfully discouraged tonight and depressed and feel so spacey.
     
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  3. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Does anyone else out there get constantly in there own way fouling up hopeful possibilities and making life impossible to live for themselves, again and again, over and over, bc of all the fears, the way you think and feel, and the out'of'control anxiety and symptoms that hit so suddenly and beyond your control?

    sincerely goingonhope
     
  4. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Hope, what was your surgery for? Can you have it rescheduled? I've had many surgeries, I get very frightened beforehand too. I've never walked out on one though, I think because here in Canada you generally have to wait months and months for a surgery, unless it's a dire emergency. So you have lots of time to prepare yourself.

    As far as fouling up things, yeah I do that all the time. A little less now that my family is around, because they pretty much force me into doing the right things. But I think it's pretty usual to be self-destructive with PTSD. I've burned a lot of bridges myself.
     
  5. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Thank God for new days. Yesterday though very stressful and painful is now gone and today I'm thinking much better. batgirl my surgery is on my left eye, doctor is removing the vitreous (gel), doing a thing or two more and replacing the gel with saline. I had no problem calling doctors office this morning and speaking with them. Much to my surprise they apoligized and understood completely. They knew what was going on behind the scenes and it just simply did not get communicated. I mean 4hrs. sitting in a small waiting room with no food or drink for hrs. was too much and she said this morning had I stayed I would have waited much longer as something had gone wrong there. Though I couldn't exactly write everything I thought last night, I remember thinking that a whole classroom of children said a prayer for me, among others and the result was I didn't haven't surgery that perhaps the prayer was being answered, and I shouldn't have had surgery yest., otherwise it would have happened. As there was nothing uncooperative about me or no real decision made to walk on out. Though I blamed myself terribly yest., turns out it was all beyond my control. That anxiety attack that I had was real, beyond my control and I do believe they simply were not fit to deal with, as it would have required I sit there in that condition, concerning and disrupting others, perhaps for an additional 1hr. and half as they were not ready for me even after 4 hrs. and the woman this morning said to me they would not have been ready for sometime still. I couldn't walk out not even for 10 min. bc that's the way it works, wasn't allowed to eat or smoke and ran the risk of losing appt., I mean it's not like they give clue whatsoever when they'll call you in.

    So surgery is resch. for the 29th. Had it been my fault, had I just walked out instead of being helped out as I was this appt. would not have been allowed to be resched. so soon.

    Turns out yest. I was living in my fear that I'm going to be held to blame, that I must be as if it were reality. They knew better. I mean shit' that's way too much to ask of anyone. Beyond 5 hrs. sitting in one small waiting rm straight out, before surgery...no way.

    I didn't leave bc I chickend out on having this surgery, I was helped out after a major disruptive anxiety attack.

    Must fly out the door right now, as children are expecting me very soon.

    Thank you batgirl, very, very much for posting. I needed someone in a big way and you were here for me. Thank You, so much! :kiss:
     
  6. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Yeah waiting rooms are horrid. I've waited in the ER lots of times, and when I had surgery on my liver last year, it was a huge fiasco. The surgery was supposed to be at 8 am, but there was a problem with the OR, and I ended up having to wait in the surgery prep room, in a gown, until 6:30 pm!! I was alone and bored for most of it, it was really cold in there and I was STARVING because I had fasted since midnight the night before. Plus they didn't really tell me when the surgery was going to happen until the last minute. So all day I was totally on edge.

    I'm so glad they were understanding and that you are able to reschedule for sooner rather than later. I'm glad you feel better too.... that's the story of my life, one day thinking I've done something horribly ****ed up, and then the next realizing I wasn't to blame at all.

    Take care hope, and continue to feel good!
     
  7. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    I'd say that was some huge fiasco too, batgirl. That's ridiculous! Totally ridiculous........

    hey, diddo ....What you said above batgirl, that fits me too quite well...no kidding, I just never before this realized it and put it into words so good as you have above.

    Feeling good today, smiling and laughing much, taking responsibility and feeling extra good as a result. Batgirl, please you take care too...
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hope, you did great bouncing back and understanding it was not your fault and removing your guilt for it. Bravo!
     
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