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Suffering Extreme Emotions

Discussion in 'General' started by goingonhope, Dec 31, 2006.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Not well tonight. :eek: Realize now that when I'm at my worst I'm rendered practically speechless. Horrible night....Horrible...Horrible...Horrible. Deeply hurt, alone and don't know what to do, or how, who, when, where to ask for help. Ashamed to be posting my garbage when I should be stronger than this. Oh' how I intensely hate :cussing: certain characteristics of some people. Alone with this and have been crying and cussing someone out to myself. Feel drained and rendered powerless to do much of anything. My thoughts, my solutions are too much. Again, haven't any real solution tonight on how to cope with this. :drugs: Please pardon, me be in such a pathetic state of mind. So sorry as my timing is so f'n poor.
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hope, no such thing as bad timing with PTSD IMO, because anything can trigger it when one has not dealt fully with it as yet. Don't give yourself such a hard time hope for relapse, because its part of the healing cycle, and relapse is still always a possibility once healed if one lets their self management go or life stressors just become too much.

    Whats on your mind hope? Don't ever forget the basics of how we control PTSD... get it out, not keep it in. These basics must continue and we must maintain them at all times, otherwise stress builds up, stress expands PTSD symptoms (thus we get sick), and it just all gets out of control rather quickly. Never forget basic principles of dealing with PTSD.
     
  4. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    Hope,
    I know the feeling!!

    Also, Anthony is right... no such thing as bad timing w/ PTSD; and we're here for you whenever you need to vent. It's better to post all that bad stuff and get it out than to bottle it up inside!!

    Josh
     
  5. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    hey, hope. sorry you're having such a hard time. i hope you feel better real soon.
    cathy
     
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    haven't had more than 2 to 5 min. lately at a time on forum. full of fear that no matter what I do, or don't do or say, or don't say I'm Wrong! or, I'm Bad!, controlled right now and struggling with trust. Too afraid that what's on my mind is wrong, or bad, or unacceptable. Too afraid of judgement. Sorry. Feelings are not facts and struggling much with this one lately. Convinced myself tonight that the way PTSD had grabbed hold of me is such that I should not tell....too shameful....must'nt be honest....Fear that there must be something spiritually wrng with me and that all I'm capable of is hindering, causing nuisance, injustice, causing harm. Trying to snap back and having tough time. Perhaps after the next overwhelming days co tome I'll think more positively. Thanks all, I'm trying. Will do my best to get it out no matter how short or unsensible.
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hope, step back and please calm down. You must step back and stop for minute, in order to allow your mind to grab reality again, not what your mind wants you to see. Hope, your in panic, no doubt, but you need to remember what you have learnt here, what you have read about relaxation, breathing, and so forth, and these are the times in which you must implement those learning strategies. Take 10 seconds, do nothing more than breathe, then speak or process the next thought, breathe again for another 10 seconds, then process the next thought. I know it sounds silly, it sounds basic, but you what, it can mean the difference of keeping someone out of hospital, and away from suicide.
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hope where you are is hard, I have been there. I think we all have or are processing it. Agreed with above. Dont forget hot bathes, and soothing CDs and a break from everyone.

    But Hope we here did not get here having pristine lives or occurances in our lives. It was trauma. Slow down and get it out of you hon. You recognize feelings right now. Take it slow and a little at a time and let it out a little at a time. Or if it feels better you may find once you stop and type to let a little out you pour it out. Just do not delete it. It may surprise you to get it out.

    I have admitted horrible things I have done and done to me to give me this. It does not happen over night but it is better to get it out than keep it in.

    Take a step back and make an attempt to relax, but even trying that too hard can cause more tension... Try a walk a blast of cool air helps me. It is like moving the earth and moon to get me outside but once out it is amazing the difference I feel when done. Again if you cannot relax look for a way to physically release... Dance, exercise, walk. I know I paced all over my fields when relaxing was not an option until I wore myself out.

    Do not discount your feelings, they are real and need addressing, you have to reach out though for us to give you a hand. I do hope you feel well enough to open up soon.
     
  9. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    There are 19 very helpful suggestions above on how to cope, feel and heal from this, lousy experience I'm in. Thank you both very much and will implement some to the best of my ability right away, others may have to wait until life slows down a little, as in the midst of my PTSD, I am still expected to show up and must now take most difficult and time-consuming additional actions, and none of which regard whether I'm fit for these responsibilities now or not. I'm not fit. I need to regain some stability and the time simply does not exist, at least in this day, to do so. Will aggravate, agitate, infuriate and disappoint others if I make the choose to take care of myself at this time. Now normally this is not necessarily a huge problem unless of course the person I'm going to seriously disappoint is my mother, well then I have a terrible problem, bc she'll make sure I pay dearly psych. and emot. for this. And, I don't rightly need her to do this, but she will, bc now, she doesn't even have to be present for me to do this number on myself. Whatever.

    Bear with me please, as I attempt to get some out, as my mind is all over the place. It’s both everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
    Very difficult to wake up this morning. Not a nightmare, but do recall the snapshot of a scene from my dream prior to finally waking. It was of a man, turning around, in his seat, to quietly speak with and confide in me. His face very badly beaten. Much of the whites of his eyes taken with hilly formations of clotted blood. His facial skin badly bruised. Though his words were filled with wisdom, I could see his weakness, and it was as if I could see into him and the abyss of fear, timidity, brokenness and extreme vulnerability. Any sudden noise in that room would have sent both him and I through the roof. Almost like a cartoon, certain of this.

    Would love to take it easy today but, faced with dilemma, ie. To go to mothers place, who repeatedly badly psych., emot., and spiritually abused me over many yrs. And tend to my obligation w/ $300. in hand, that I simply do not have to repay,

    or not to…

    and all the possible self-preservation BS in between, which I’m not capable of without heavy doses of medication. None of which I’m currently taking.

    Presently feeling: helpless to step in and protect myself from certain triggers that escalate my PTSD at this weak and vulnerable time I’m feeling.

    Mixed medley of extreme feelings of sadness, rejection and frustration over my reality that after this Mon. I may be compl. blind in one eye, and/or become disfigured over a period of time following surgery, as I signed permission for surgery below a list of 18 to 20 possible results of surgery. Why does any of this frighten me, well the most obvious,

    but more especially freakin mother won’t even acknowledge or comment in any way shape or form, that I’m having surgery. Something simple like: I hope all goes well for you Monday, what with your surgery and all, would go miles. Or, even, call me by name and even acknowledge that years of her severe neglect and perpetual abuse, or perhaps the immensity and thickness of the base of that thigh high steel ashtray that was driven into my face, might have had something to do with one or more of my eye conditions, ie. the leaking arteries, lens damage and perhaps even my mysterious autoimmune deficiencies.

    My god, When I was six, I helped shovel up stiff doggies and bag them, of whole litter of miniture dauchaunds and their folks, that were either starved to death or accidentally poisoned by a terrible lead hazard throughout our basement. Why am I saying this?

    That act of violence, which she so eagerly encouraged and screamed at me that I f’king deserved it, certainly caused brain damage in me, as my ability to think straight slowed dramatically and abruptly following. I lost a great deal of intelligence and the ability to communicate, formulate and structure sentences and conversations as I had been able prior too that experience…and this is no bullsh’t. I know this to be true from my experience. So now, just knowing her, fearing and imagining that she’d respond to this with some poor, pathetic look that I was somehow deluding myself and wanting nothing more in life than to blame her and make her life a living hell. When in fact all I’ve daydreamed about over the last 20 yrs. was that she might acknowledge that it even happened, that it was wrong, she was partly accountable and that she is sorry for being so f’king jealous and threatened of me, my youth, my possibilities. Her blank stare everytime, void emotions and No response to my accomplishments, her inability to even see me, that I might know that I was real and her unwillingness to ever listen that I might be reassured that I just spoke, had devastating affects upon me when habitual and combined with her anticipation, craving and longing to help create, and suck the mistakes, loss, failure and sickness right out of me and exploit it claiming to our whole family, “You see, I told you *#&* was a selfish, rotten, useless, miserable, no good, trouble maker whose sole purpose in life is to make my life a living, miserable hell.” This has been said on countless times with a little different variation of order of words. Her voice haunts me worse than any horrifying ghost. And, then there was something perversely satisfying about the negative focus and attention she so generously lavished upon me, making me and my loss, sickness and failure the centerpiece conversation throughout our entire family, and extended, when I was most suffering, vulnerable and helpless. Deluding me and others and persuading us to believe that I was born for no other reason other than to make her life a living f’king hell.
    She can kiss my ass’….the fat, fat lie that she did the best that she could by us girls and if it wasn’t enough than oh’ poor me’ I’m so sorry…When said with right motive or sincerely, than a perfectly acceptable apology, but oh’ know not with her, I’m no fool. Said her way after already having been subjected and controlled by her and her layers of unmerciful self-justification, blame and guilt producing approaches, she wasn’t succeeding in apologizing, she was manipulating and sinking her teeth into my very thought processes and reality, and hopefully provoking neurotic, controllable guilt so as to control me for the rest of my life, for her desired outcome.

    I can’t say anymore now, I’ve said more than enough. Apparently having some time, I've attempted to write a little something and instead have nearly written a book. These are some of the things you just don't share as there now all open for interpretation and I can now recall voices of perhaps, well intentioned folk helping me by telling me to get the fk of the pity pot, leave the past in the past, forgive, let go and turn over every last thing to see where I am to blame.
     
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Ohhh Hope, your written book is very similar to mine. I have a mom like that. I thought I would share something that was said to me and it struck a chord with me. I've been mulling over it and it's actually starting to help me let go (not in a forgiveness type of way either.) I was asked why I keep looking for her acknowledgment of the abuse I suffered at her hands, when I know that I will never recieve it. Why was I punishing myself?

    You know, that's it too. Punishment. In order for my mother to acknowledge that she abused me, that means she has to acknowldege it herself, to herself. She is incapable of it. She has issues as does yours. So continually seeking acceptance and acknowledgement was just punishing myself. I could not and will not get it because she is incapable of doing so. I was digging for justification that I was abused. The self knowledge that I was (the ptsd from it) is all the evidence I really need.

    So, think about it. You are not at fault. I do not think you should just let go etc.. (as if that works.. LOL) I do ask that you think about this. It rather shocked me the first time I heard it, but the more I mull over it, the more I realize I was just punishing myself...

    I wish I could help more. Be very proud of yourself for getting some of this out. Hang in there and take care of yourself.. (even if it's just five minutes for starters..)

    Bec
     
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  11. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Ashamed of what I'm about to say, a little about how PTSD has recently affected me at my darkest...Early New Years' Eve day, husb. unaware of what he was doing attempted some mind reading, he thought I was sitting in the next room overhearing our son continually harrass him, cry and complain that he should be allowed to take over tv from husb. and play tv game, while husb. was very much interested in game. So when son's wailing and husb. intense anger hit I couldn't help but notice and I took off my headphones to the movie I was watching, "World Trade Center" in the other room and I entered the livingroom. OMG what a huge mistake, husb. exploded angrily at me, blaming me, resenting me, accusing me. I was stunned had no clue WTF was happening and tried again to help,

    ...slam...hit again with his anger and insult of just how terribly wrong I was and a negligent wife to sit quietly in the other room, Listen to what was going on with him and son, and not help out and speak to and stop son's interruptions.

    ...never mind the last thing I heard before putting on headphones was husb. telling son, come on over here, you can sit with me and watch the game. O.K. Daddy, says son. Nevermind I hadn't the faintest WTF was unfolding in husb. mind while I watched and cryed in front of that movie. Shocked and fearful as this has never happened quite like this before I knew I had to leave house as he wanted to fight and was being completely unreasonable.

    Abruptly left, brought daughters playmate home and went to Italian rest. and enjoyed a really nice meal with kids all the while secretly plotting on how the three of us were going to protect ourselves from his anger and blames, as I was feeling totally fed up with his shit, and rather scared.

    Did return home, before he was expected to go out, in much emot. pain but with no incident. But when he returned home we fought. IMHO, he sometimes falls oblivious to his irrationality, painful negativity and unreasonable insensitivity, his style of comm. almost always triggers me and results in extreme emotion within me. We were very, very hurt, angry and stressed to say the least.

    What I had done prior to him returning home and after the kids went to bed I'm ashamed of....Having not done this in a long, long time I got a butcher knife, went into the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror with my mind whirling and seriously fantasizing about using it upon myself and ended up cursing myself a weakling for my cowardness. This type of thing,

    ...and the fear and fury that my husb. has power to provoke in me with his sudden outbursts of unreasonableness, anger towards me and withheld affection renders me temporarily 100% debilitated with emotion and PTSD symptoms.

    Everything's not all me and my PTSD, far from factual, even though my PTSD certainly likes to step in after the fact and take over in an intense emotions, all'night sort of a way.
     
  12. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hope you didn't do it and you don't need to be ashamed. I have had horrid moments like that, as most with PTSD has. It is not a sign of weakness. Those moments do not make us less of a person, weak, bad, or anything else. We survived trauma, PTSD, triggers, etc.. Is that not strong? How many people do you know that can survive what we have? I don't know many. We are, YOU ARE a strong person, even in those dark moments.

    Now, about your husband. Have you previously spoke to him about his style of communication? Not argued, but sat down and had a good heart to heart about it? This only works if neither are angry. If you have what was the result? How did your talk go? Also, why are you responsible for "saving" your husband from the childs nagging? Is this a common pattern? Are you the "strong" one or responsible one in this relationship?

    I'm asking this to get a better picture of what is taking place right now.

    Bec

    P.S. *hugs* I think you need that...
     
  13. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Did call mother this morning as i was expected to. Found courage from somewhere to tell her I was overwhelmed and in no way able to help her today. She got my point, considered and found another solution. She said after all' they will tally it all up and she'll let me know how much. Still very much a problem for me, as I cannot afford, nor want to repay her now and I'm too scared shit'less to tell her this. Anyhow I hand up the phone and I'm soon hit with an intense piercing pain in my forehead. An unusual as it might sound, suddenly almost without my permission, start pounding my fist into the mattress and screaming primal screams one right after the other. Aware that I should probably put my face into the pillow so neighbors don't hear and think something terrible is happening I do so. And after it all the pain in my head disappears. As I attempt to move on with what's next I start to feel sudden, quick releases of energy through different parts of my body, ie. head and arms. Can almost feel the wiring in my brain short circuting, start to feel dizzy, unreal, almost like I could faint.

    Whatever it was it passed, for now and here I am stressed, but not feeling out of control of myself as much, feeling better having called everything off for the day and doing 2 no shows. One: helping my mother, Two: lunch mother, (3rd time in a row) and Three: early dismissal and speech therapist. Now soon I will hope to take some suggestions and do some other things known to be good, like eat some breakfast and lunch.
     
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