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Relationship Supporter With Trust Issues

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Dee1980

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I emigrated to the US to be with my spouse in 2013. I met my husband in March 2011. He has always had the signs of ptsd. We had a child on 12 Feb, 2012. I moved to the US after getting my fiance visa and we have been married since 2013. We have recently had a lot of financial stress, a death in the family and other family stress. This has made his ptsd a lot worse, him blowing up at me over trivial things and asking me for a separation/divorce multiple times over the past few months. The last time it happened was when our 4 yr old son was sick in the back of the car (he got over heated on our way home, and got car sick) My husband totally blamed it on me on the drive home, and asked for a separation/ divorce. He also said that our son would be better off without me and labeled me an unfit mother just because our son was car sick. He also told me he didnt love me anymore which was really a shock! I didn`t respond to him, as i was so hurt and upset. He gave me the silent treatment when we got home. My son was feeling better, so i decided to take our son and go stay with friends of ours who were out camping for the weekend. They have kids, so i figured it would be good for him to enjoy playing together with them instead of being around his dads mood swings. I left a note so he knew where we were, and its only 15 mins away from our house. He turned up that evening and ignored me. Just spoke to the mutual friends of ours who me and my son were camping with. He only said to me that he was taking our son home because he was sick, and i calmly responded that he had been fine since and was running around playing and enjoying himself.He said `fine` and just walked away in a mood. A friend of ours went over to his car to talk to him. After my husband drove off and left, the friend told me that my husband had told him he would send the sheriff out over our son. I thought he was being totally irrational, and him thinking that the sheriff would want to get involved in something so silly. He never did call the sheriff out anyway, and i suspected he wouldn`t.
Next day i went home with my son. When my husband walked in he just gave me the silent treatment and sat down. I asked him if he really wanted to separate and he just responded by saying that we hadnt been getting along for a long time and that we had grown apart.. that things were not the same as they were when we had first met. (and i am thinking.. well of course they are different.. we have a child now and different responsibilities etc!!). I also asked him if he really didn`t love me any more and he replied saying that he does still love me, but we just haven`t been getting a long for a long time, and that he didn`t know what else to do other than separate. I was so upset i started crying, and packing a few things to leave. He had a shocked look on his face, and told me he didn't want me to leave. He gave me a hug and told me he only said the things he did to hurt me. And said the bad things because he never had anything else to throw at me. He admitted that he needed counselling for ptsd that was a result of being a veteran, also other issues including abandonment issues he has from childhood. left for a couple of days with my son a few months earlier because of a similar outburst he had. This time he knew he had to get help, or it was over between us.
He made an appointments for his counselling etc.I was still hurt about the things he had said to me and started wondering whether there was someone else because of the things he had said about not loving me etc. I went on his tablet and discovered that he had been talking to a woman (he had a sexual relationship with before i met him). That he had been sending her emails and calling her on the phone since 2012 before and after i gave birth to our son! It was nothing sexual, but he was discussing a lot of his work problems, and his parents problems etc with her, He didint mention me, apart from saying that he was seeing me and we had a long distance relationship which wasnt easy (i was in the UK at the time waiting for my fiance visa, and had recently given birth to our son). I read an email he has sent her just afew months after i gave birth asking her if she wanted him to go see her! and he said that he would need to book vacation time! I saw online that he had also said to her "i remember how you tasted the last time you were here, and i treasure that memory".

So to cut a long story short, I found her telephone number from his emails. He had been calling her even in december 2015. So i called her number and quized her about it. she said she hadnt seen him since 2005, so he hadnt actually gone to visit her. And that they were just friends nothing more.
I also found that he had been talking to other women on dating sites after we met in 2011 onwards, and exchanging photos, nothing sexual, but still making out that he was looking for a relationship, saying things like he wanted kids with someone etc. He had been on a dating site the same time as he had fallen out with me over our son being sick in the car, and had created a profile saying he was married and looking for discreet sex. Going on other sites throughout the years we were together looking on hook up sites.
I confronted him about it and he told me he always left his tablet open for me to see anything as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He couldnt deny anything as i had everything there in front of him that i found.
He admitted that it was wrong, and that he needed to feel 'wanted'. That he would never and would never have actually met up with the woman he knew from yrs back, or ever slept with anyone else. And tried to reassure me saying i was the only woman he had ever loved... etc etc. That his behaviour was distructive and he was trying to push me away. He said he knows how much he has devistated and hurt me, and will do anything to regain my trust, no matter how long it takes. This is something w are also working on in counselling that he goes to, and we have also agreed to do councelling and marriage counselling at the veterans association which we have a first appointment for, as he has just got done doing his bloodwork/fasting at the VA. He told me that i am the only woman he ever wants to be with, and that he will work on chamging his self destructive behaviour with the help he is getting. He also goes to AA meetings now. Even though he hasnt drank in 13 yrs, he says it helps, and he feels he can talk to people there who can relate to him with his issues. I have started going to AL-ANON meetings, which i find does help me in giving me support that i need.
I am just having such an issue trusting my husband because of the trust i had for him being totally smashed! I know he loves me with all his heart, and i know his abandonment issues and ptsd play a big factor in what he has done. Even though he never actually slept with anyone it still hurts me the same.
Saying that i am the only woman he ever wants to be with isnt enough, and he knows it. He wants to change for himself for a better life instead of his self destructive behaviour, and that he will never dent my trust again. He knows it will take a lot of time for me to feel that i can ever trust him again. I just dont know how i can build that trust up with him again.
 
I don't think you have trust issues. I think he has trustworthiness issues. I can see why you are struggling with all this.

Have you considered couples counseling? It will probably take a bit of time and work, but it may very well be possible to rebuild trust if he does the work too.
 
I am really trying hard not to feel upset and angry with him, but i just cant understand why he did those things. Hes not in contact with that woman anymore, and i know he hasnt been in contact with her since December last year by the emails and dates on them that i found. As for the online dating, he says he does it because he feels that i will leave him one day, and its like a self fulfilling prophecy.. as he put it. Like he needs someone on standby, even though he knows it will not make him feel any better or replace me even if i did what he feared and left. He says he never has anything good in life that lasts forever. All this negativity that causes him to be so self destructive. And when we have had arguments, he says he goes on these online dating/hook up sites to make himself feel better, and almost like getting back at me. It feels ,like a cop out and that he is using this as an excuse for stepping over boundaries.
 
When things go wrong, we have a choice as to how we react (automatic reactions such as flashbacks, etc notwithstanding).

Your husband is choosing to chat up women online. He has the power to make other choices instead.

Cheating, emotional cheating, is not a symptom of PTSD. He has the power to change. Please maintain strong boundaries.
 
As a supporter, it took some time for me to realize that it was OK to get mad at my sufferer. If he's being a douche, it is OK to get mad, sad, frustrated, etc., and to tell him.

He's not a porcelain doll. He's a person. His condition does not negate my emotions. I modify how I respond to my emotions in relation to his PTSD, but I still get to have them.

Sometimes it's a good time to get pissed off and lay down the law. It's OK to have deal breakers. It's OK to tell him talking to other women is a big fat no-go. It's unacceptable, there's no excuse, Or to call him on his bullshit excuse making.

You get to have boundaries too. For example, "I cannot be with a man who cheats emotionally/ goes on dating sites/ etc. If he continues this, I will not stay. Period." That is your decision about your behavior. He has no say. All you can do is communicate your boundaries crystal clear, then if he violates them, he suffers the consequences of his own actions.
 
Also maybe i should tell him that we need time apart. He needs to be alone for some time, and i need time without him around because i am so angry and upset.
 
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