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Relationship Supportive statements or not - angry responses

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Alister

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So when the one you care about is being extremely negative, is it right to both listen and provide supportive statements like "I don't think you're stupid" and "I'm sorry you're upset, I do care about you" or is that just making things worse.

I feel like if I say nothing, I'm tacitly agreeing with her negative self statements. Which just feels wrong. If I say something, lately the response is just a bark or a snip, like I've done something wrong.

Extremely confused, any help in understanding how to respond to negativity in someone who is typically a joy is greatly appreciated. (Do I just stay away?)
 
I think the worst thing you can do is stay away, communication is key to any relationship, I found that out the hard way...I would tell her that I am here for you and be strong, people who are negative are actually in my opinion reaching out for help they just don't realize it, or they are venting...I stopped a loved one from being negative today, I called her on it and she said I was right..You have to be the stronger person and not dwell on it, accept that she is feeling miserable and just be there for her, its hard but you can do it if you stay strong for her..Just say no matter what I will be there for you because I care about you. Also your not doing anything wrong, people who are miserable want you to empathize with their misery...I hope this helps you..and stay strong for her!! If you find yourself getting burnt out from it or stressed out just do something good and healthy for yourself. You have to treat yourself good to be able to treat others good..
 
Its a hard one,and I sympathies with you.

I think we are all different, in what works for us. In my house, my partner just listens without comment......I cannot hear good words said that contradict how I feel about myself, at these times....but I can accept body language that says " I'm here if you need me"......I've learned to fall into the hug that says it all.

Maybe you can ask, when the time is right, what they would like.
 
Great question.

Oops hit enter too quickly. Lol

Through the years I have learned when J is like that I just let him vent. Anything I say positive or negative can just fuel the fire.

It also depends on how stressed he is. If he's in a full blown PTSD episode I just listen. If he's actually in a good place but just bitching about the neighbors dog barking etc we can have a conversation about it.

PTSD is so difficult to navigate. Every day is different. Some days he wants attention and affection some days not so much. After all these years I /We are still learning.

Everyone is different. You guys have to have a conversation about these issues. Do it on a good day and maybe even just a little bit at a time. (You've read about the stress cup, right?)

Good luck! :)
 
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Please...can I just say.....telling someone that you will be there for them no matter what can come across as a complete lie...my mind instantly thinks " hogwash! Heard it before! "........and realistically nobody can promise that. Many of us have been lied to in the past, so this kind of unrealistic comment can just further our mistrust in the person saying it.
 
  • Hugs are definitely number one, as long as it's not an anger-fueled rage release kind of scene...then a hug needs to be saved for post-release. Not super quick pat on the back one, either, but a nice long nurturing one until I'm ready to let go.
  • Finding a random note, even if it's just a little heart that he drew, goes a long way in helping me feel heard, innerstood, and loved.
  • Getting hands on help with the obvious areas I struggle the most in, without having to ask first each and every time, is worth its weight in gold. (especially household stuff....we try to balance our strengths and weaknesses)
  • Being able to communicate about it all in depth and with much specificity about what I feel would be the most helpful once I'm out of the ditch helps us both in our ability to healthily respond to each other vs the usual default mode of emotionally reacting on feelings alone.
  • Being given space to process and become comfortable with myself again without being asked a bunch of questions or trying to listen to someone else's commentary as I'm actively going through it is also very valuable.
 
In my case, my reaction is very similar to @leehalf . I learned this over 10 years of frustration. I used to feel between a rock and a hard spot.....do I say something or nothing. Which path was going to cause me the least grief?

I have learned there is no "one size fits all", you sort of have to wing it till you find what works for you both. During those good times, we have talked about it and agreed on what helps us both. In our case, she wants a hug and no conversation with me. In my case, now I don't worry about saying nothing or the wrong thing. Does it always work? No, not always but it's a start and, most importantly, her therapist knows and helps after a bad episode.
 
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