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Sufferer Surviving Sibling Sexual Abuse

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BigHurt

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Hi, I found myself here because I need to talk to people who understand the hurt and the struggle even if they have been fortunate enough to get help. For a bit of background...I'm 39 and have always struggled emotionally since I was a kid, it got worse once I got married/had kids (just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear, pain in the hollow of my chest, uncontrollable crying) and this led me to seek professional help.

It was then that I was made aware of just how huge the impact of being sexually abused by my brother (for about 4 years on and off) had on my entire life. - emotions, relationships, personality, choices, parenting. I was a textbook therapy case really - EMDR, hugely painful, told my husband, mother, father, brother, sister - all hugely painful, cut off ties with brother. Biggest change therapy has had is that the crippling anxiety I have had since childhood has been 'turned off'.

But now I feel empty, more functional, less anxiety but still so scared of being rejected. My thinking is scattered and dull...melancholy. Feel inadequate at work and as parent. It feels like all the hard work regarding PTSD has been completed and now what...? I feel used up and without family. I have become hardened and joyless and incapable of communicating. Am in process of deciding if reconnecting with my brother is a good idea or not.
 
Hi Solara, Such an important question for me at the moment. I think he is truly sorry for what happened when we were kids. He was a pretty messed up kid himself...not 100% sure, but think he was abused as a kid too. He's probably the only one in the family who understands what it is like to be messed up. Therapy has helped me realise that the actually abuse happened a long time ago (although still dealing with the consequences). It's like there has always been two separate parts to our relationship - one very normal brother/sister relationship and one very dark secret. Since cutting off ties, I grieve for the normal brother/sister relationship (Does this make me vulnerable?) Parents are desperate for me to make contact with him, but I'm trying not to let this get in the way of my decision. My husband, who has known my brother for last 13 years, never wants to see him again or for our kids to be in the same room. Am interested in hearing from others who may have faced same situation.
 
Hello and Welcome to the Forum.

I don't know your situation but I feel concerned for you and really concerned for your children. So here is my two cents worth which is undoubtedly influenced by my own experiences.

People generally say don't see your family of origin when there is incest I think that there are some pros for that, but then no one really talks through with people PROPER child protection for those that do see their families of origin when there is incest and the results are not what you would want. So either way you have a lot of thinking, reflecting and writing to do.

No one expects a woman who is raped by a stranger to sit down and have a dinner party with them. As a survivor of incest I find it weird that your parents would be desperate for you to see and have contact with your brother who sexually abused you again? But I also received such pressure in my family around my father for a long time. It is not an easy position to be in. This type of pressure is "normal" in incestuous families, as are a whole other raft of other dynamics.

This would only happen, in my mind, if some dynamic around enabling incest was present. Your parents failed to protect you from your brother. Your parents also didn't (possibly) protect your brother from his sexual abuse either. Why would you listen to their desperation for you to see your brother?(Obviously they are your family and you love them - not an easy position to be in.) So you may need to work out (in order to protect your children) what is it about your parents that enabled this sexual abuse in your family to go on for so long? Perhaps if there was a "good enough" connection then your parents would have dealt with the abuse or protected you or prevented it from the beginning. I doubt that your brother is the only one to know what it is like to be messed up in your family, because your parent's request is pretty messed up. What need in them - what story do your parents get to tell if you see your brother again? Do they get to pretend that your brother did not sexually abuse you? Do they get to pretend there are no real problems in your family? In my way of thinking if there is sexual abuse in a family - then there are real problems in the family, at a basic level the parents are not attached and caring for their children appropriately.

And never leaving your children with your parents and your brother would be a non - negotiable boundary if you ever went down the path of reconnecting with your brother. Your parents failed to protect you. It would be good to avoid them failing to protect your children from your brother.

I suggest waiting for a few years until your new normal has settled - it is different to live without overwhelming and overpowering anxiety. Once you are stable in this you might consider the situation differently.

There are a whole lot of questions to ask yourself before you consider actually seeing your brother. What type of message does it send to your kids if you see your brother? What will it do to your relationship? (I think honouring your partner's request that the children never be in the same room as or see your brother is not unreasonable. Most people don't leave their children with a sex offender.) Is the dynamic where you weren't protected by your parents now going to occur in your children's lives? How will you protect your children? If your brother sexually abuses your children how will you feel? If you find out that your brother gets access to other children because of seeing you (people may think the sexual abuse allegation was not true) how will you feel?

What does your therapist think about you reconnecting with your brother? Would you organise extra support for your self?

You say that you have no family - so does that mean that you are cut off from your mother, father, sister and brother because you told them of your brother's sexual abuse of you? By seeing your brother does that mean you would get connection with the rest of the family? If so, that puts you in a very difficult position.

I think it does make your vulnerable - but no less vulnerable than anyone else who has had your experiences.

Whether you see your brother or not - the main thing is to write it all out and work out what your boundaries are and how you would protect your children, your relationship and how you will protect yourself.

Anyway what I have written may resonate with your or not as the case may be. There are many insightful people on the forum so check it out and find what works for you.

Cheers,
ms spock
 
I think he is truly sorry f

He's probably the only one in the family who understands what it is like to be messed up.

Since cutting off ties, I grieve for the normal brother/sister relationship

I could have written each of those. I maintained contact with my brother for many years after the abuse ended. He has apologised, wholly sincerely, and spent many years in therapy. But for the last three years I haven't been able to cope with seeing him. I miss having someone who knows how I think, and who has the shared experience of the very strange childhood.

I don't know your answer, any more than I know mine. The only bit I'm sure about is your absolute duty to protect your children.

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in the dilemma
 
Hi Ms Spock, thanks for taking the time to repond...all of it resonanted, you make a lot of sense. Your response makes me realise that I still have a tendency to minimise what has happened to me.

Twenty years have gone by since my abuse, up until a year ago I maintained a relationship with my family and my brother (we've all lived in seperate states so contact has been birthday events, christmas, holidays etc). The problem was that I would feel shattered after each of these meetings. Now I understand that every time we were together, I was triggered.

You are right to assume that real problems exist in the dynamics of the family....we walked eggshells to keep our mum happy and Dad, at the expense of us, was always on Mum's side. It is likely that this is one aspect that led to the sibling abuse to occur... mum and dad were wrapped up in their world that they failed to supervise and we looked to each other for emotional support. My brother was always in trouble from when he was really young, my other two siblings share bitter memories of always having to put up with his antics so yes, our parents probably minimised my brothers problems and failed to see the impact it was having on the rest of us. I was always so protective of my brother while my siblings were angry with him. I was the youngest of four and four years younger than my brother.

Why would I listen to their desperation for me to contact my brother? I'm trying not to as I know it's unreasonable. It's a bit sad to admit that even at 39, I am wanting my families approval. My identity in the family is based on being the caring, forgiving one, nice one. My husband's family live overseas so my family is the only extended family we have. I grew up in small community, with lots of family. Due to my history of social anxiety, and my partner diff with socialising, we are quite isolated...I worry more about impact of this on the kids more than the risk of them interacting with my parents. However this said, plans are in place that my kids will spend five days with my parents (my brother lives in different state) without me, and you have made me question if this is wise. I'm not cut off from my other two siblings, but I think their approach is to soldier on, they have there own strong social networks, and not so reliant on family.

What need in them - what story do your parents get to tell if you see your brother again? Do they get to pretend that your brother did not sexually abuse you? Do they get to pretend there are no real problems in your family? You know, a common theme since childhood is that they probably see my brothers issues as more pressing, a lot of my issues are hidden whereas his are more evident. Just recently my mum expressed to me "everyone sympathisizes with the abused, but what about the perpetrator? " Bottom line is that she doesn't understand what it means to have PTSD.

What type of message does it send to your kids if you see your brother?
This plays a lot on my mind and is probably the main reason I haven't contacted him as yet.

How am I going to protect my kids?
Sadly it's not my parents or my brother that my kids need protection from but probably me and my distorted view of the world. I work hard to stay "in the present" and be responsive to my kids emotional needs. I get paranoid if the kids are playing alone in their rooms and have a rule that doors must be open. What's the impact of a paranoid/dissociated mum?

What does your therapist think about you reconnecting with your brother?
We have done some work around how the conversation with my brother may go. She's pretty careful not to give an opinion I think, more guiding me through to arrive at a decision myself.


Thanks again for putting forward some important points,
 
@BigHurt Welcome to the forum!

My heart goes out to you, as dealing with PTSD is difficult enough, but dealing with the family dynamics after abuse is also very stressful. Take this time to focus on yourself and get to a place where you are healthy. Perhaps family therapy might be an option, but it is going to take time and there are a lot of issues that will arise. However, you may want to be in the best place that you can be before venturing into this.
 
Hello @BigHurt...I am in a somewhat similar position as you. I was abused by my oldest brother and am in my late thirties as well. I do not have children, but he does and I am extremely worried about what he will do to his own children. I am just now discovering how much his actions and the consent my parents gave to his actions have devastated my life. I'm not a happy person and struggle with migraines and chronic pain.

I have cut my brother off and am also considering doing the same to my parents since they refuse to see how the relationship has affected me. My parents want to continue living this lie that everything is ok. Whenever I push back on that, they get mad at me because they don't want to deal with it!

I'm so sorry for all the trauma that you've experience. It sucks so much, I feel silenced no matter what I do. I have such a hard time too and I hate it.
 
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