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Sexual Assault Taking Control Bit By Bit

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Mosaic

Learning
So following my second assault almost a year ago, I am still utterly, consumingly haunted.
An ongoing battle since it happened has been people grabbing my wrists. I know you're probably thinking "how often do people grab someone's wrists in day to day life" and I would've thought the same but it's more common than I thought, getting your attention, trying to be playful, whatever it may be, I can't take it.
It's not often it happens, but it doesn't matter.
No matter how happy and distracted I may be as soon as I feel that tight grip around my wrists I come down with a crash, everything slows down, I flush hot and I have a sickening fear instantly inside my stomach, I can conceal it as much as I need to but not completely.
This is because of the obvious, my attacked pinned me down by the wrists and it's all I see, all the time. His shoulder, down to his arm, following onto his huge hand pressing all his weight onto my wrists. It's like I can feel the grip again.

I've not come very far with dealing with it, but I'm not where I once was.

I've decided to take control.
I've changed the image of his hand on my wrist and created my own.

On Thursday, very last minute, I spent 4 1/2 hours getting a big tattoo of the "hand of Fatima" on my wrist.
Also known as a "Hamsa hand" I'm reclaiming my wrists. I still see his hands when I close my eyes but once they're open I see a beautiful hand, not his, one that symbolizes protection.

To the outside world it's a pretty tattoo, to me it's a milestone, a meaning and a "f*ck you" to my attacker, these wrists are mine.

This is probably a more drastic measure than some of you would go to, but it's my own and while the fear and destruction is still very much alive, I'm giving myself just a bit more power and recognising my achievements instead of my negative everything.
 
What a great reframe!! I've had a similar situation with my throat. I got a necklace that fits close around my neck. My danger zone. Some days I have to remove it, but I really am trying to reclaim that part of me. You're an inspiration!
 
@Mosaic 2nd assault also using wrists 2.5 months ago. This one not a sexual assault. Wrists and hands like a car ran over them. I have never done a tattoo. Spirit self wants silver and turquoise arm bands, bracelets. Maybe a tattoo…. I need to reclaim the use of my hands.
 
What an achievement x well done . I know how you feel though , I hate someone touching me or putting their arms around me from the back as a result of rape, I can't breath , it triggers me and I get so stressed . I'm still trying to deal with it in a way that's acceptable to me but find it so difficult , I can't wear scarves, necklaces or n e thing that restricts me from my neck . A massive achievement so really well done and feel proud, you are a true winner and an inspiration ❤️x
 
@Changeling 2.5 months? Wow! It's inspiring that you have the frame of mind of taking back control over this amount of time, really. It took me a long time to overcome the avoidance and focus on re-claiming and you should do whatever empowers you be it bracelets, decoration, whatever gives you your strong self image back even for a moment.
I hope all of you find yours and it helps you! Take back control strong people, bit by bit x
 
It's inspiring that you have the frame of mind of taking back control over this amount of time, really
@Mosaic. It is 15 years from the adult ones, some personal, others bullets flying in a residential neighborhood in the middle of the day very very close (cross fire walking out the door). The personal ones are harder, the very personal ones the hardest, and the volcano eruption from them of childhood emerging.

I used to be very strong and independent, also very quiet and shy. I don't know who I am anymore, gathering pieces.

Odd thought - I had beautiful eyes and smile. Now for years can only look into the mirror for basic grooming. Skin to skin is very uncomfortable, wash with a cloth loofa, wear clothes to bed. The mirror thing - I can't look into my eyes. Maybe eye tattoos - they wear clear and strong, smiling, open.

After 15 years, you have inspired me to try to take back control, tried so many different paths, your tattoo idea I find solid. Look at who I am, grow into that strength of the journey, not burrowing away. Looking into my own eyes is a reality check and a grounding, what the world sees. Never been good at masks (psychological or physical). Facial tattoos are powerful, can't hide them either.

Friend a few years ago had some tattoos done on her back very zen, wave, clouds - beautiful was instead of black ink, white was used and water color tints. Not at all vague, you just had to seem them emerge as you got used to the subtle impact. She is caucasion, white on white. I like the subtlety.

Oh, and taking back control… thoughts, hopes, intentions, and then day to day struggle to just survive. Thank you for seeing a glimmer of the me.
 
@Changeling i have seen some beautiful eye tattoo designs I think that's a wonderful idea.
It's terrible that you can't look at yourself or touch your skin, I'm sure you will be able to one day.
I know that it's a daily struggle and it's hard to get the courage you need to take a breath and do things that used to seem so simple like looking yourself in the eye but after a while it's not a daily struggle anymore. When you look at your life as a whole and see that each day has counted and all of a sudden those 15 years of your life have gone by and they've been lost to your experiences.

I think you're ready to take some serious steps and take back some control. Whatever gives you strength, going to the gym, looking at tattoo designs, looking at old photos of the person you feel like you're not any more.

I hope you don't take any of this negatively, the thought of losing more years to the effects of my trauma when I look at the big picture is one thing that inspired me to stand up. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a wreckage a lot of the time, I still have days where I feel a lost cause but just hold out.

Also, my new tattoo hides lots of my self harm scars, another win :)
 
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