So following my second assault almost a year ago, I am still utterly, consumingly haunted.
An ongoing battle since it happened has been people grabbing my wrists. I know you're probably thinking "how often do people grab someone's wrists in day to day life" and I would've thought the same but it's more common than I thought, getting your attention, trying to be playful, whatever it may be, I can't take it.
It's not often it happens, but it doesn't matter.
No matter how happy and distracted I may be as soon as I feel that tight grip around my wrists I come down with a crash, everything slows down, I flush hot and I have a sickening fear instantly inside my stomach, I can conceal it as much as I need to but not completely.
This is because of the obvious, my attacked pinned me down by the wrists and it's all I see, all the time. His shoulder, down to his arm, following onto his huge hand pressing all his weight onto my wrists. It's like I can feel the grip again.
I've not come very far with dealing with it, but I'm not where I once was.
I've decided to take control.
I've changed the image of his hand on my wrist and created my own.
On Thursday, very last minute, I spent 4 1/2 hours getting a big tattoo of the "hand of Fatima" on my wrist.
Also known as a "Hamsa hand" I'm reclaiming my wrists. I still see his hands when I close my eyes but once they're open I see a beautiful hand, not his, one that symbolizes protection.
To the outside world it's a pretty tattoo, to me it's a milestone, a meaning and a "f*ck you" to my attacker, these wrists are mine.
This is probably a more drastic measure than some of you would go to, but it's my own and while the fear and destruction is still very much alive, I'm giving myself just a bit more power and recognising my achievements instead of my negative everything.
An ongoing battle since it happened has been people grabbing my wrists. I know you're probably thinking "how often do people grab someone's wrists in day to day life" and I would've thought the same but it's more common than I thought, getting your attention, trying to be playful, whatever it may be, I can't take it.
It's not often it happens, but it doesn't matter.
No matter how happy and distracted I may be as soon as I feel that tight grip around my wrists I come down with a crash, everything slows down, I flush hot and I have a sickening fear instantly inside my stomach, I can conceal it as much as I need to but not completely.
This is because of the obvious, my attacked pinned me down by the wrists and it's all I see, all the time. His shoulder, down to his arm, following onto his huge hand pressing all his weight onto my wrists. It's like I can feel the grip again.
I've not come very far with dealing with it, but I'm not where I once was.
I've decided to take control.
I've changed the image of his hand on my wrist and created my own.
On Thursday, very last minute, I spent 4 1/2 hours getting a big tattoo of the "hand of Fatima" on my wrist.
Also known as a "Hamsa hand" I'm reclaiming my wrists. I still see his hands when I close my eyes but once they're open I see a beautiful hand, not his, one that symbolizes protection.
To the outside world it's a pretty tattoo, to me it's a milestone, a meaning and a "f*ck you" to my attacker, these wrists are mine.
This is probably a more drastic measure than some of you would go to, but it's my own and while the fear and destruction is still very much alive, I'm giving myself just a bit more power and recognising my achievements instead of my negative everything.