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Taking My Confidence?

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Jen, Sep 23, 2007.

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  1. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes when I am around hubby especially at work ( we run a small business together) or if we are doing things around the house I find myself sometimes feeling nervous around him I am waiting for him to tell me I am doing something wrong as he usually does!
    I hate this feeling of not being confident we have been married 26 years I shouldnt have to feel like this around him?
    You know I just take it and dont usually say anything back if he gets upset he gets sick and we cant afford that to happen!
    Does anyone else get that insecure feeling around their spouses?
    Thanks Jen!
     
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  3. ryair

    ryair Active Member

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    Sure Did...... They dont call it walking on eggshells for nothing.......
     
  4. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    I don't have it with Jim, however I do understand the feeling Jen, as I have experienced it with both Evie and Brian. I have reached a point where I don't tolerate the behaviour anymore, I refuse to "walk on eggshells", however it takes much work to reach that point and I don't imagine it's possible in all cases. I am fortunate in that it is not my spouse who behaves in this fashion, it is my daughter, so the boundaries are obviously different. And I have Jim to back me up as he also doesn't tolerate the behaviour.

    Perhaps Jen you need to practice sticking up for yourself. It is not unreasonable for you to expect to be spoken to politely or kindly by your husband. Nor should it make him ill when you point out he is not being civil. If it does, that is his problem, to be quite frank. You are also an important person and needn't be constantly worrying that defending yourself is going to make him ill.

    However, it does definitely make a difference how you say things. If you point things out in an aggressive or blaming manner, it will indeed make matters worse. For example, should he be complaining about how you clean the kitchen, and doing so in an unpleasant fashion, here is something you should definitely not say:

    "You are always criticizing me and I'm ****ing sick of it. What the hell is wrong with you?"

    Rather say something such as,

    "I feel hurt and nervous when you criticize how I wash the dishes."

    Tell him how you feel, place no blame on him, and do not use absolutes such as "always" or "never".

    Have you read any of the articles in the carer's information section? There is one I posted that addresses communication skills:

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5501.html[/DLMURL]

    There are other articles regarding caring for oneself which may prove helpful to you as well. Do take care, it's not an easy situation!
     
  5. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Jen, I may be wrong, but I think that this can be common in some marriages, and whether or not there is a person with PTSD or not involved.

    I'm the one with PTSD in my marriage. My husb. is not, and yet I know that we both feel this way, and with us often, and we're nervous that each other is going to unneccessarily critisize and/or correct the other. With this same issue and taken less than serious, on the part of both of us and simult., we both have progressively lost some trust in one another and confidence within ourselves.

    IMHO, these feelings really needs to be respected and taken seriously.

    With my husb. and I, and this same issue of ours and our feelings, ......left either abundant, (as in my case) or briefly examined and often denied, (as in his case) ............the two of us have previously grown super-sensitive toward this type of thing and each other, and for now for sometime.

    I encourge you Jen to address and honor your feelings, ..those feelings.., and with your husb. before anything 'less than constructive' progresses and becomes a much larger issue.

    Jen, when you said,
    I find it personally helpful. It helps me, as the one in my family with PTSD, to identify what it is my husb. has been trying to get across to me for sometime now and simply put that is that he is afraid that I am going to get sick,........and so forth.

    It's not getting any prettier with us either, and with him having been previously too willing to back down and deny his feelings to accomodate me and us.

    Jen, please take care.
     
  6. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you ladies we actually had a talk last night and I told him about my feelings after a bit of an argument and we settled down and became civil about it I explained to him that he puts me down when he talks to me and he needed to know this!
    Anyway we have agreed that we will try harder to get on so we will see how it goes?
     
  7. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    At least you are still talking:stupid:
    You have had a few major things happen to you both this year. It is understandable that you would both be feeling a bit tired & grumpy.

    Better things are up ahead for you!:Hug_emoticon:
     
  8. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jods I hope you are right!:hello:
     
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