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Sexual Assault Talking about incest

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DiamondBug

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I have ptsd from being gang raped at 11, but I'm starting to prepare myself to tell my therapist and the first person ever that when I was attacked it wasn't the first time. I can't believe I'm typing this because I never thought I would, but I saw a TV programme last night about incest and I feel I need this off my chest now. I was sexually abused by my dad and sister starting around age 5. My sister (2years older) would force herself onto me, saying it was a "secret game" she'd learnt from a "man". She'd try and put objects inside me, grope me and physically assault me (inc, shattered jaw, burns, cuts, etc). I'd also wake up to her sat on my chest, pinning my arms down, holding my nose shut and with her other hand over my mouth, she'd laugh while I struggled, saying "breathe through your mouth", which I found really difficult, on a few occasions I'm sure I passed out. When she'd do all these things I'd cry and if I tried to stop her she'd say she'd tell mum I did it to her and I'd be in so much trouble, sometimes though she'd want to physically hurt me to stop me telling someone so she'd force me to sit in a really hot bath or beat me up. I believed I'd be in so much trouble. I loved my family, I didn't want to be the reason for them to break up, even though I hated the abuse. I remember around the same time being terrified of my own bed, this was because my dad was sneaking in my room at night and touching me, he'd touch all up my legs and in between them, I'd wake up screaming and crying and he'd run out of my room as I woke up. My parents split up about 4 years after this started, then I'd be forced to go up to visit my dad and sister alone, my sister continued to force me to do things with her, sometimes on webcam with old strange men watching, I was so scared, I felt so worthless, I started to sink into a deep depression. I can remember being a teenager and seeing my dad for the last time before he died when I was 16, I don't remember my exact age but I was upset, probably because my dad would force me and my sister to go to pubs with him, where it was a breeding ground for horrible men who tried to make me do sexual things for presents or money, so I was crying pretty hard, because I felt so violated being up there, my dad came over to me and started what I thought was him comforting me, he started by putting his hand on my back, but I soon turned into him putting his hands up my top, it just felt like he was doing everything he could to grope my breasts, I was shuffling on my chair trying to avoid his hands touching me in bad places, but as he carried on this obviously just confirmed in his mind that he was going to touch me no matter what, he tried to undo my bra, I was that scared I hid in the toilets. I was so confused because I didn't understand whether that was wrong, because I'd not seen my dad in years and I thought he'd protect me. I feel so dirty about this. I feel angry that I never got a chance of a normal childhood. I feel even more angry that I didn't get a chance of a normal family life. I also feel so guilty, because I really miss my dad, I sometimes try and convince myself that none of it happened because sometimes it's easier. I worry about my sisters children because I don't want her to abuse them too, when I have kids I don't think I could let them meet her, just in case. I have such massive mixed emotions about this, it really f*cked me up, but I still love my family. I really don't know why. It sometimes makes me feel like I deserved it because I miss them. Please has anyone got any advice on how to discuss this? I've stuffed it down that much for years, this is the first time I've ever even thought about it properly. Anyone felt like this?
 
Hi @DiamondBug ,
What they did was wrong. No matter how much you miss them and love them, they were still wrong. I know what it's like to miss yet love deceased/absent abusers, and yeah...that is a tough mind f*ck. All I try to do is keep reminding myself that much as I hated (no words strong enough) what they did and their actions, I can still love the person. I'll probably get someone telling me I shouldn't think like that, but it's how I deal with it.
As far as discussing it with your counsellor, firstly let me say a massive WELL DONE for saying it so well in here. You've done something there that I've not found the courage to do yet.
Maybe print off what you wrote here and use it as a starting point?
I started on the difficult stuff by getting a notepad app on my kindle, writing individual words, you know the ones, the ones that make you cringe to even say into an empty room.
I'd pass it over and let her read them, then delete them straight away. It meant no permanent thing staring at me, but she now knew and wasn't actually looking at me when she was told....if that makes sense.
I hear you on the pub thing btw, it was the working men's clubs/social clubs for me.
Good luck with this, there's a lot of folk here that know where you are coming from and are walking a similar path. You aren't on your own.
 
Hi diamondbug.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am all too familiar with the difficulties of sharing something you've been forced to keep secret under threat of death. It's frightening. But you're so strong, and sharing your story here is an impressive start on your journey. Remember that you are now caring for your inner child, and talking to you T about this is a great way to protect her, and keep her safe.
You are most certainly not alone in your conflicted feelings of love/hate toward your family. And people here will be a great supplement to your therapy, many have similar experiences and can relate to the difficult but worthy path you are forging.
BIG LOVE
 
Hi @DiamondBug - I have to confess I read the thread title and turned away. But I felt compelled to come back and read, because I too was abused by my father. The very people that are supposed to protect us - and they do this to us as vulnerable children.

It is hard not to feel responsibility and shame - but in truth that all belongs to the abusers.

I am glad that you are going to share this with your therapist. I think it is very important to get it out there and dispel the secrecy. I hope your T is as good as mine was and will lead you through all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that this will bring up. For me, it has meant that I have 'processed' the memories and they no longer overwhelm me. The struggles with therapy are well worth the effort in my opinion.
 
I am so so sorry. This is awful I don’t know how anyone could do such awful things to someone. The hardest part is obviously in your head and what it makes you feel like many many years later even. I was also raped and sexually abused for 9 years and so I understand.
Your a brave soul for opening up about this to people and finally telling your story. That’s the bravest thing you could have done is take that first step and allow yourself to start healing. I’m so so sorry that you were forced into those horrific situations. I can’t say sorry enough. Makes me sick and sad and full of anger and regret you have had to deal with all this on your own for so long. Your obviously an amazing person and a fighter or you wouldn’t be here sharing your story today. God bless and remember you have support.
 
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