DiamondBug
Learning
I have ptsd from being gang raped at 11, but I'm starting to prepare myself to tell my therapist and the first person ever that when I was attacked it wasn't the first time. I can't believe I'm typing this because I never thought I would, but I saw a TV programme last night about incest and I feel I need this off my chest now. I was sexually abused by my dad and sister starting around age 5. My sister (2years older) would force herself onto me, saying it was a "secret game" she'd learnt from a "man". She'd try and put objects inside me, grope me and physically assault me (inc, shattered jaw, burns, cuts, etc). I'd also wake up to her sat on my chest, pinning my arms down, holding my nose shut and with her other hand over my mouth, she'd laugh while I struggled, saying "breathe through your mouth", which I found really difficult, on a few occasions I'm sure I passed out. When she'd do all these things I'd cry and if I tried to stop her she'd say she'd tell mum I did it to her and I'd be in so much trouble, sometimes though she'd want to physically hurt me to stop me telling someone so she'd force me to sit in a really hot bath or beat me up. I believed I'd be in so much trouble. I loved my family, I didn't want to be the reason for them to break up, even though I hated the abuse. I remember around the same time being terrified of my own bed, this was because my dad was sneaking in my room at night and touching me, he'd touch all up my legs and in between them, I'd wake up screaming and crying and he'd run out of my room as I woke up. My parents split up about 4 years after this started, then I'd be forced to go up to visit my dad and sister alone, my sister continued to force me to do things with her, sometimes on webcam with old strange men watching, I was so scared, I felt so worthless, I started to sink into a deep depression. I can remember being a teenager and seeing my dad for the last time before he died when I was 16, I don't remember my exact age but I was upset, probably because my dad would force me and my sister to go to pubs with him, where it was a breeding ground for horrible men who tried to make me do sexual things for presents or money, so I was crying pretty hard, because I felt so violated being up there, my dad came over to me and started what I thought was him comforting me, he started by putting his hand on my back, but I soon turned into him putting his hands up my top, it just felt like he was doing everything he could to grope my breasts, I was shuffling on my chair trying to avoid his hands touching me in bad places, but as he carried on this obviously just confirmed in his mind that he was going to touch me no matter what, he tried to undo my bra, I was that scared I hid in the toilets. I was so confused because I didn't understand whether that was wrong, because I'd not seen my dad in years and I thought he'd protect me. I feel so dirty about this. I feel angry that I never got a chance of a normal childhood. I feel even more angry that I didn't get a chance of a normal family life. I also feel so guilty, because I really miss my dad, I sometimes try and convince myself that none of it happened because sometimes it's easier. I worry about my sisters children because I don't want her to abuse them too, when I have kids I don't think I could let them meet her, just in case. I have such massive mixed emotions about this, it really f*cked me up, but I still love my family. I really don't know why. It sometimes makes me feel like I deserved it because I miss them. Please has anyone got any advice on how to discuss this? I've stuffed it down that much for years, this is the first time I've ever even thought about it properly. Anyone felt like this?