I recorded a conversation with my husband tonight.
Before I make any other statements, I am stuck in this relationship due to financial dependence as well s not haveing transportation and difficulty obtaining my birthcertifiate to get an ID which I need to pretty much everything. Also, I do not want to leave at this point. My husband has many positive qualities I adore. However, there are some serious issues.
We went to six weeks of counseling in march and early april. His insurance will not pay for more, so I need to investigate wether medicare will pay for couples therapy and my own at the same time. However, I do not feel that I got the opertunity to address the issues. I am not looking to address the above issues in this thread. Only what is below.
So what I need to do is is adapt to my situation and change how I respond.
Off tape, I was attempting to be assertive. My hasband said I was talking to him like a child. I told him that was not my intentions that i was trying to be assertive. He said being assertive was agressive. So I went and got a tape recorder and asked him again
(This is not an exact word for word transcript )
Me~ What do you feel assertive is?
Him~ When Germany invaded Poland that was being assertive.
Conversation ensued I told him what I though being assertive was and I told him I want him to be more assertive because I struggle with his passive agressive behavior.
Him~ Fine, then I am going to buy <object that my ex was very passionate about above all else>
Me~ ok as long you don't buy <an item that can be used with the above item that my ex used to inflict pain on me>
Him~ I can't get something I want because your ex had one, I can't drink because your ex did (*I would not have gotten together with my husband if he drank, more below) I can't get pie because you don't like pie.
Me~Those are the 3 three things I have set any limits on because they are hurtful to me. You know that I am allergic to wheat. You have a car you can go and buy pie on your way to work, I just can not risk being exposed to it.
Him~ Well I can't risk being exposed to your tobbacco.
Me~ (Repeated the terms of a previous comprimise about him not putting pressure on my due to needing internal motivation to quit. And if he could go 3 days with out making a big fuss about it, I would reduce the number and after a week I would switch to vaping, however he makes a huge theatric display every single time i some about how I stink and he can't breathe and pouts when I ask him to run me to the store to get some as I am 100% dependent on him driving me)
Him~ Well then I need internal motivation to quit drinking, I'll quit drinking when you quit smoking.
Me~ I have a set boundry since the day we got together about being with someone who drinks.
Him~ Boundries are nothing more than putting someone else in a cage.
*he has only drank 3 times since we have been together. The first two times he got super weird and telling me that i was the reincarnation of a girl he never had the guts to express his love for in highschool that died his sophmore year about 4 months before I was born (yes we have that many years age difference) The 3rd time I was determined to prove to me that Bill Cosby was innocent and wouldn't let it go, I left and came back many times and he wouldn't stop so I called the police.
*I quit smoking in the early stages of our relationship during the "in love high" phase for him for about 3 years. It was about 1 week or so after he propsed and I was feeling very positive about life which made quiting easier. I started again last fall as a coping mechinism. I am not defending it, but I don't feel it is the same.
So the whol epoint of this is that I need to change how I repond to him. I just don't know how.
Before I make any other statements, I am stuck in this relationship due to financial dependence as well s not haveing transportation and difficulty obtaining my birthcertifiate to get an ID which I need to pretty much everything. Also, I do not want to leave at this point. My husband has many positive qualities I adore. However, there are some serious issues.
We went to six weeks of counseling in march and early april. His insurance will not pay for more, so I need to investigate wether medicare will pay for couples therapy and my own at the same time. However, I do not feel that I got the opertunity to address the issues. I am not looking to address the above issues in this thread. Only what is below.
So what I need to do is is adapt to my situation and change how I respond.
Off tape, I was attempting to be assertive. My hasband said I was talking to him like a child. I told him that was not my intentions that i was trying to be assertive. He said being assertive was agressive. So I went and got a tape recorder and asked him again
(This is not an exact word for word transcript )
Me~ What do you feel assertive is?
Him~ When Germany invaded Poland that was being assertive.
Conversation ensued I told him what I though being assertive was and I told him I want him to be more assertive because I struggle with his passive agressive behavior.
Him~ Fine, then I am going to buy <object that my ex was very passionate about above all else>
Me~ ok as long you don't buy <an item that can be used with the above item that my ex used to inflict pain on me>
Him~ I can't get something I want because your ex had one, I can't drink because your ex did (*I would not have gotten together with my husband if he drank, more below) I can't get pie because you don't like pie.
Me~Those are the 3 three things I have set any limits on because they are hurtful to me. You know that I am allergic to wheat. You have a car you can go and buy pie on your way to work, I just can not risk being exposed to it.
Him~ Well I can't risk being exposed to your tobbacco.
Me~ (Repeated the terms of a previous comprimise about him not putting pressure on my due to needing internal motivation to quit. And if he could go 3 days with out making a big fuss about it, I would reduce the number and after a week I would switch to vaping, however he makes a huge theatric display every single time i some about how I stink and he can't breathe and pouts when I ask him to run me to the store to get some as I am 100% dependent on him driving me)
Him~ Well then I need internal motivation to quit drinking, I'll quit drinking when you quit smoking.
Me~ I have a set boundry since the day we got together about being with someone who drinks.
Him~ Boundries are nothing more than putting someone else in a cage.
*he has only drank 3 times since we have been together. The first two times he got super weird and telling me that i was the reincarnation of a girl he never had the guts to express his love for in highschool that died his sophmore year about 4 months before I was born (yes we have that many years age difference) The 3rd time I was determined to prove to me that Bill Cosby was innocent and wouldn't let it go, I left and came back many times and he wouldn't stop so I called the police.
*I quit smoking in the early stages of our relationship during the "in love high" phase for him for about 3 years. It was about 1 week or so after he propsed and I was feeling very positive about life which made quiting easier. I started again last fall as a coping mechinism. I am not defending it, but I don't feel it is the same.
So the whol epoint of this is that I need to change how I repond to him. I just don't know how.