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Telling My Children About My Abuse

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Chincho

MyPTSD Pro
I'm going through a really bad time. I had PTSD under control, but the monster decided to rear its ugly head with a horrible flashback, and now it seems I'm back at square one.

My PTSD was originally caused by child sexual abuse.

I have two sons aged 20 and 16 who live at home. I've been very careful about not letting them know the cause of my PTSD. My little one (not so little anymore) has adhd and his psychologist said he's to young to know.

Last night my oldest one asked me why I have PTSD, what the cause was. I got as far as saying because of something that happened long ago that has nothing to do with you, your brother, or your father, and he said "we'll talk about it another day".

I wonder, for those who have been abused as children, do your children know? Did you tell them? How did they take it? Did it help you be more open about your PTSD symptoms?

Today I feel as if I have to wear an "I feel good" mask around my children although I'm really hurting inside. Would it help if I told them or would I jus ruin their happy look on life?

Please, I really need opinions. Thanks!
 
I tend to do that too. My son is 16, and knows it was child abuse, now he is very suspicious of my mother. He says he hates abortion because he feels its the worst form of child abuse, and there is nothing worse than child abuse. I haven't told him anything solid, but my ex might have. I don't think I want to discuss it with my family.

I think it is good that you told them it had nothing to do with them. Maybe you could tell your older son that you don't feel comfortable discussing it now.

My ex husband has told my son about his abuse for a long time. My son takes it with a grain of salt now. It didn't hurt him I don't think.
 
I think you are doing the right thing by reassuring your children the problems that you are experiencing are not their fault. Actually, that is something to keep stressing as children, even teenagers and young adults, have a tendency to blame themselves.

How much and when you reveal is entirely individual. But letting them know it is not something they did is the most important thing you can do to help them deal with living a parent with PTSD. Just my humble/honest opinion.
 
I told my children and now I am sorry I did. It was too much information for them to handle. I did not have a good therapist and I am afraid i told my children too much about what happened to me. i regret this very much.

I wish I could start all over again and do what you did. I would say bad things happened to me by my parents and I have a sickness because of it.

I would tell them that I have to go and talk to a therapist about what happened to me and for them not to worry I am ok now. I hope this makes sense. I am so sorry and I so regret telling my children so much of what happened to me.

I did it because I found out that both of them had been molested once and I was not very smart about what children can tolerate.

I think what you said was very wise. It belongs in the past. You can share your symptoms with them so they can understand what is happening to you. But you are so wise. Your kids are so lucky to have you as their parent. This is my opionion and I hope it helps.
 
If I may. I hope this won't be a trigger for anyone.

I think it would be good for you and your children, that your children know. Not explicit details, but up to a point. I was with a woman who had two children, a boy and a girl. She had been abused similar to what I was. She and I were sitting in the living room discussing scars. We were giggling and talking about some horrific details. We could laugh, because what was big as a child, was not so big as an adult. Her son was sitting in the hallway on the floor listening to us. I showed her the scar on my head, she showed me hers. I showed her my scars on my chest, she showed me hers. It was one of those kinds of night. She didn't allow hot water in her house. I could understand completely and showed her my scald scar on my chest. Told her about my sister's face. She shared about how her mom had held her under the water in the bathroom and she didn't want her children to accidentally get scalded.

Her son got up and came into the living room. He ask me to go outside with him, which I did. He ask if his mom had really gone through the things we had been talking about. I said yes. He said, "Now I know she's not really crazy. There is a reason she does the things she does.". He went in and hugged his mom, and it was a turning point in their relationship.

If i had a relationship with my children, I would want them to know. It's better to have it out in the open where no ugly boggy men/women can slip in during the night to destroy the peace. The imagination is worse than the real thing. And I know in my family, the perpetrators gave the illusion of how they were so innocent. I found along time (about 10 years) that now I am open with who I am, and why i am the way I am, only a few jerks exist that can't handle it. And you know what, that is their problem.

end of tirade 621.
 
My children have known bits and pieces over the years that I thought was age appropriate. I have also taught them that their relationship with my parents and siblings is different then my relationship. You can bet your sweet patoot that I did watch over them to make sure the same stuff didn't happen to them that happened to me. Irked my family to some degree, but they've adjusted.

Since two of the sexual attacks happened by a babysitter, then a "friend", I waited to tell them about those incidents when they were in their teens. My youngest found out at a younger age then his older brother just because his personality is less emotional, very matter of fact and I felt he could handle it. They know they can come to their father or myself if they have questions. They've mostly dealt with my depression. What they do not know is about their dad's and my lack of sexual relations due to the PTSD. They are 14 and soon to be 17. I do not think they need to know that issue. I haven't really discussed how the attacks effected that part of my life over the years. Amazingly, I was the one who had the sex talk with them. I guess because I refused to make it seem like it was a dirty secret everyone should keep.
 
My kids are 2 and 4. Assume I know nothing. :)

My kids are aware that my brain is non-standard. My story is that sometimes I need to have a few extra minutes to calm down (I get put in 'time out') because a long time ago stuff happened that made it a bit harder for my brain to work. So stopping feeling angry is just a bit harder for me than it is for most people. When I feel sad I feel a bit more sad than other people. When I feel scared I feel a bit more scared than other people.

Ok, so I am dramatically under selling my symptoms... but they're little.

I do this because sometimes my yelling hits a peak I don't feel proud of. I can generally choke myself off mid-sentence and apologize and ask for a time out.

My kids know that we have no contact with my family because they were mean to me. That's what they know. I'm ok with them knowing that. I have explained that they weren't the ordinary kind of mean that everyone is sometimes--we don't stop knowing everyone who has a bad day once in a while.

My four year old is unusually verbal. She's asked me a lot of questions. I'm not going to lie to her. She has asked me what kind of mean my family was and I told her that once she is 18 I will answer any question she wants to ask me about my childhood but I think she doesn't need details about me as a child until she is done being a child.

I guess we'll see how this goes over the years. :-\
 
It really is difficult knowing how to handle things such as this with children, especially once you have them. I really didn't think about what I was going to tell them until I had them. We have, over the years, did less visiting of some of my family members.

When the time is right you will know. That's what I think now. I think, when I finally admitted most of the truth, big parts of it, it was when I thought they were ready and could handle it. Then I took it from there.

It's really hard when you know that there really are monsters out there after all.
 
For years all my children knew was that my parents were alcholoics and not safe to be around. Since they were so little when I cut off ties with my parents it was pretty easy on them.

I have hid most of my abuse until last year when things got really bad for me. Since I have 2 children with special needs we have talked a lot about what it means to be a little different. So when things got bad for me I explained PTSD to them like a special needs. Then when I was having a hardtime listening to them (I get overloaded and can't process what is being said sometimes or so overwhelmed that I can't listen to anything more). So I told my kids that I just can't process any more right now. I would tell them that I want to hear what they have to say but maybe we can talk about it later as my brain is full and it won't let what they have to tell me go into my brain.

It is kind of a silly way to explain it but in the end it made it clear that the problem is my special needs and not that I don't want to listen to them.

I have just started telling my oldest (who is 18) a little more as she has moved away to college and if she ran into family members I wanted her a little prepared. I have kept it mostly general.

What and how much I tell my children has been something that I struggle with also.
 
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