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Undiagnosed Terrorist attack survivor

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Eliza

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Hello.

I am a survivor of the Westminster Terror Attack this year. I wasn't hurt, but I saw it all happen and had a narrow escape.

I can't stop myself reliving it. I struggle to sleep at night, but the thoughts mostly revolve around what *could* have happened, or what I *should* have done.

I ran away when it kicked off and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself that I didn't stay to help.

I also think, what if I was there 10 seconds before, had I been just a few paces ahead, I would have been hit.

And I am now constantly scared that I will die. Or my friends will die.

I already have OCD, so my brain is not exactly my friend, and this is making symptoms worse to a point that I don't know how much of my current fear and ruminating is due to OCD, and how much is a reasonable response to the attack. And whether any of this is normal and will go away on its own, or whether it's a sign off PTSD. I know my compulsions are worse, but my fear of death feels perfectly reasonable. People die. All. The. Time. And I am so scared that it will be me or my family next. And if it is, that it will end up being a grizzly death like those on the bridge.

I'm basically just constantly scared, obsessing, having panic attacks and don't know what to do. It's starting to take over my life.
 
Welcome to the site! I am sorry this happened and you had to witness it!

It is very unhelpful, in my experience, to play coulds and shoulds in your head.

Do you have a therapist? If not then I would recommend one. It would help to work through this stuff!

Also, CBT thought records help me to challenge these thoughts and change them. Did it enough and auto thinking started to change!

Cognitive Therapy, CBT, Thought Record/ Thought Review
 
Welcome Eliza, terrible you had to witness such a thing, and as I write this I have the UK in my thoughts and prayers yet again. I hope you can get to a professional to assist you.... you deserve it.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for following your bodies reaction....all that adrenaline is meant to make you act exactly as you did.

I was trained extensively to react opposite to common sense, and it still took a huge amount to not react normally.
 
I am grateful that you ran away and saved your life in order to now process the terror and horror and recover your life back over a period of time and effort to get your life back. You have been changed forever by this experience and you will have better and better days after going through the grieving and healing and recovering process. you came to a good place and I know you will get alot of good out of joining here. I am so sorry that you went through that experience and suffer so extensively right now, you will always have scars but you will get better and remember that it takes as long as it takes. Please do not be hard on yourself because you survived well, that is called survivors guilt and although my trauma is nothing to yours, I have it too and it is not as bad as it used to be. I hope that you get in a support group for other survivors.
 
That's a really hard one. Could be the stressor has thumped your OCD into overdrive, could be the trauma landed wrong and you're now comorbid with OCD + PTSD. Or a few other possibilities.

In any case, sounds like therapy would be a really good idea right now.

I know NHS is an absolute beast sometimes. If the wait list is ungodly, are there any private groups working with the survivors of Westminister, or terror survivors of any event, in your area?
 
Thank you for your replies guys.

I have tried CBT before for OCD/Anxiety, but it was done over the phone and I found myself getting so stressed over finding somewhere private to have a phone conversation that I would end up getting more stressed and anxious about the phone call and it just made my panic attacks worse.

I know I need help following the attack, I know I can't just carry on like this - I am struggling to remember the last time I slept properly and I am constantly on the verge of tears, which is affecting my work.

What are the costs like for private therapy? Because my other problem with NHS therapy is that it would take place during the week when I am at work and I can't take time off every week for it.

I am also looking for support groups, but I'm not sure where I might find them - Google doesn't seem to be very helpful!

I just feel like I am at a complete dead end at the moment, and all the news about Manchester is making things worse. I am constantly scared that another attack will happen and I won't be so lucky next time. And I feel guilty for not wanting to hear about it because it's triggering memories of Westminster. I feel guilty that I still feel bad over the Westminster attack, when this one was so much worse. And I feel guilty for feeling guilty because I feel like I have no right to say anything.
 
I feel guilty that I still feel bad over the Westminster attack, when this one was so much worse. And I feel guilty for feeling guilty because I feel like I have no right to say anything.

Reading that is so familiar. I know soldiers with PTSD who have had said almost exactly the same sort of things.

I always say there is no such thing as a small war when you are in it. I'll add that there is no such thing as a small terror attack when you are in it.

Oh and BTW the guilt is a lie.
 
Thank you for your reply and sorry I have been away for a while. I got an injury due to an epileptic seizure (my brain really hates me!) and typing has not been the easiest! I know the seizure was due to anxiety and flashbacks, and tiredness. Now, thanks to the injury, I am struggling to sleep, and when I do finally get to sleep, I am awoken by nightmares.

I have booked an appointment with my GP because I am really struggling to cope.
 
I have booked an appointment with my GP because I am really struggling to cope.

Good! I appologize that I don't know about private therapy in the UK. Here in the States, my therapist self pay without insurence is $125 a session. Insurence picks up all but $12. I am not sure, though, how the UK healthcare and private therapists work over there though.

Your GP should be able to at least point you in the right direction. Maybe the GP can help you find something that helps for the anxiety and flashbacks and even the sezuires.

Let us know how it goes! :hug:
 
Sorry to hear you were involved in the Westminster attack and that it has affected you deeply. I think it's a good move to talk to your GP.
In terms of private therapy, fees can vary widely. I know of therapists in London who charge £40 per session and others who charge £150+
If you go to the BACP website and click on the Find a Therapist link, you can search for their members by geographical location and various other criterion and they also list their fees. Might be a good starting point if you want to explore that route.
 
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