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That Was Messed Up

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Whyteferret

MyPTSD Pro
I made a huge mistake this morning. I noticed that I needed a few things at the store that I forgot yesterday.

The only store open within walking distance is Walmart. Buses don't run Sundays.

I walked down. Four things. The store wasn't all that busy for a Sunday. But, there was noise, bright lights, echoing sounds, people in all directions. My anxiety started raising immediately. I wasn't sure about store layout so it had to look for an item. I was jumpy, pulse racing.

I got to the self checkouts. Normal lines were really long. I was having trouble with the machine. One of those loud overhead announcements came over. I jumped, instant fight or flight. I basically ran out of the store at that point.

This was pretreated with lorazepam. Outside is easier than inside. I took the other half of the dose and walked home.
I exhausted, in tears. But totally numb now.

I really like numb. It's better than almost everything else I feel.

I think I'd like to choose numb. Even knowing I'd miss the good parts of life too. Numb feels good.
 
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I am so overwhelmed by walmart or any other really big stores....too much sensory overload. I have recently been numbing less and less and I gotta say the happy things are feeling better and better. I didn't realize how much I was missing out on....but I am having to "feel" in baby steps because it is so overwhelming. I used to choose numb too. My therapist had a long talk with me because I told him I actually like to check out and dissociate some and I actually didn't want him to help me "fix" that all the way! anyway...hope your day has gotten better
 
I have issues with supermarkets too. For the longest time they felt unsafe, and now they just are tiring. Sensory overload, even though I'm an extrovert.

There is a project out there at some small grocery store chain where they're setting up some kind of quiet time on a schedule, so like maybe on Sunday afternoon there's no music or announcements and lights aren't overwhelmingly bright or something. Meant to help out those who are autistic, because autistic adults are something that society forgets, but it also helps out those with PTSD too.

Wish I remembered the chain name though.
 
I've run out of busy stores.
I then sit with my back to the wall outside, curl up in a little ball and shake and/or rock...until I can get back to ok. If needed I then go back inside.
Screw what normal people in the store think of that, I'm not hurting them.
 
I was trying to work on limitations. I never considered the sensory overload as possible PTSD issue. It started immediately after the TBI. Maybe they're feeding off each other.

I won't be returning to Walmart. There are others stores I do fine in.
Just not worth this.

I slept most of the afternoon. Between the adrenal reaction, the walk, the overload, the stress and the double dose of lorazepam, I was exhausted

I did get up to celebrate Beltane though. It found a chant that is really cool.

Mother Earth:
Enlighten what's dark in me
Strengthen what's weak in me
Mend what's broken in me
Bind what's bruised in me
Heal what's sick in me
And lastly
Revive what peace and love that has died in me
 
Can you find them online maybe?

Yeah, but the most reliable ones are in a book, and I need to memorize most of them. Flipping through five pages during devotions at the shrine are kind of embarrassing, but I don't venture to Tsubaki Grand Shrine -- it's a bit far. Possibly I could draw on them for inspiration and make my own though.

Anyways, the rituals are more for us than for the gods anyways. Ritual can make it a lot easier to connect.
 
Yeah, but the most reliable ones are in a book, and I need to memorize most of them. Flipping throug...
That is so true. My rituals would be considered disorganized by most others. I'm much more comfortable with a more relaxed approach. I suppose if you consider meditation amd chanting as rituals, then I use it more than Imthink..to me, ritual is the formal casing of the Circle, the Calling of the Quarters, Calling the Goddess and God in whatever form you're using that night, etc. Formal. Even my formal stuff has meditation and chant. It just takes longer.

I'm not that familiar with your spiritual practices. I'll need to look it up. Always curious
 
That is so true. My rituals would be considered disorganized by most others. I'm much more comfor...
I find having a specific Goddess and God I work with really helps focus. Deity is One but is way too big for us to understand, so we see different aspects of the Whole. So, it's easier for us.

I work primarily with Lady Brighid. The God part is more general,to me. I never felt the need to try to make that aspect more personal or reachable. Or whatever.
 
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