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The Abused Becoming The Abuser

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kris

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The discussion in therapy today was of how I am afraid to be around children because I think I will molest them, because it was done to me. I have read and heard that people who are abused are more likely to abuse, when I am around kids, I don't have any sexual thoughts or anything. I often find myself thinking about me harming them though, I don't have fantasies or anything of having sexual relations or stuff of that nature, but I mean of how messed up they would be if they were to be abused. I think about how their innocence would be lost and such, not of harming them.

Also that is another reason I don't socialize much with people is because I am afraid to have children, for the previous part and also because what if one of my children does that to their sibling. I couldn't bare to think of that happening and even if I knew or didn't find out, just the thought of knowing what that poor child would go through all their life from the side effects of the abuse. Yes the chance of all this happening is low, but so was the chance of it happening in my family and it did, so to even think of taking that chance makes me want to die, so the abuse can not continue.
 
I think what you are describing is a form of intrusive thought. You are worried about becoming an abuser, afraid of it, without having any of the thoughts or actions that would be associated with it actually happening. The trauma has caused you to be terrified of wielding that power over someone else, since you know how devastating it is.

I wonder, did your abuser ever turn the situation around on you, make it seem like you were responsible for the abuse, like you were the one with the power? That might have fueled this fear. I know my abuser used to tell me that I was manipulative, that I made him discipline me because I behaved so badly. Now I am often anxious about being manipulative or 'bad.'
 
Not that I can remember did my abuser turn the situation around and try to make it like I was the one who was responsible. Nothing was every really said at all about the abuse, he just made me do it and told me to keep my mouth shut or he would kill me and that was that.
 
I think what you are feeling is fairly normal for someone that has been abused. You worry that you might do the same to a child....I think it's good that you are questioning yourself, that you are aware of the possibility.(as small as it may be) I can't say that you would or you wouldn't, as only you and your future holds the answers to this. But, it's important that you are questioning yourself. Self awareness is important....
 
That is something that terrifies me also. I feel myself caught in a thought of doing harm to someone else and feel repulsed. Not that I want to and I pray hard that I ever would. I badly want to have children at some point but I am petrified of turning out like my parents.

I think awareness of everything will be key in us not being the abusers in time.
 
I have children and I didn't become anything like my abusers. However, I can't say the abuse did not have an effect on how I raised them. I have a tendency to be over-protective, over-indulgent and I avoid conflict. It wasn't so detrimental when they were younger, but as teenagers they took full advantage of it.
 
What your talking about is something called intrusive thought which is like a flashback. I use to get them too. I have never hurt a child , so having an intrusive thought doesn't mean you will. I am a wonderful mother. I got to the bottom of mine, it was an issue with being close to people, being close to people was all screwed up in my head because my dad got close to me and abused me. The intrusive thought was all the things he said and did to me that I was bad and bad and a failure- it was a memory. The intrusive thoughts was one thing that made me not close to people or have friends as well in a general way to a level of being agoraphobic and being a nigel. I was able to stop avoiding being close to people and have friendships again after getting councelling and remembering what happened when I was 9. It was a fear of being abused by others if they got close to me and a memory of emotional abuse from my dad after he got close to me. So don't worry, it's probably a whole issue with something your abuser told you to control you and your brain just keeps going around trying to make sense of what they said.
 
I totally get this. One of the reasons I won't have children and have trouble even being around them is because I _see_ the abuse that most people see as normal parenting. I know exactly how messed up those poor kids will turn out when mommy and daddy say shaming things to them, and it makes me want to just go nuts and beat the snot out of those people for not realizing what they are doing to their children. At the same time I know that it is nearly impossible to undo the programming and that if I had a child I would probably pass on that shame just as it was passed to me. So I won't do it, and I avoid my friends' children too.
 
Hi Kris,

I get these kind of intrusive thoughts and worries a lot, worrying I will hurt children and other people because 'I am a sociopath'. It helped to be honest with my therapist about these worries, it took me a while though, because I thought maybe I really am a sociopath and worried what will happen when my therapist finds out, lol. She made a point of giving me a counter argument for my worries, pointing out the things in my behavior and character that just didn't match. One thought that I find particularly helpful when I start thinking I am a sociopath:

Sociopaths don't worry about hurting someone else.

I do worry about that, because I am different, I care.

Child molesters don't worry about the well being of children. (In fact they deny any harm is happening to the child and rationalize the act).

You do worry about the well being of children, I'd say that shows you're not a child molester wanna be : )

peace,
Bluecat
 
I'm not sure if you're a guy or a girl. But the likelihood of you abusing a child is actually very low. Some studies say 7% are abusers. So not much at all really. Plus it does not sound like you have any compulsion to hurt these children, only ideation of hurting them. I picked up that it was sib abuse that caused your trauma, so is it just kids who are the same age, sex, similarity of some kind to your abuser that you feel like hurting? Then that's perfectly natural. You don't want to hurt them at all, just your abuser. Hope this helped.
 
Bluecat, thanks that is what my therapist basically said to me as well, but the feeling is still there. I understand what he is saying and get the logic behind it but still fear that I will or I will have children that do that to each other one day. I fear that it is genetically impossible since my parents children did abuse/were abused that it is in my blood so to speak and that there is no way around it happening to my children, so to keep that from happening is to not have children.
 
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