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The Anger

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Leah123

MyPTSD Pro
My anger is a monster.
As it escalates, reason slips away, a faint voice lost in the cacophony of screaming.
Gandalf's thundercloud temper, rising in stature and power, staff thrust upward.
The violent storm, black clouds, lightning all through the sky, shocking the earth.
The Incredible Hulk, past the point of self-possession, clothes literally bursting at the seams.
My anger is the expression of my nightmare self: rising from the shadows to protect and avenge me.

I am struggling with it mightily, again, these last few days. I am losing my voice to it: my throat burns with noises I wrestle with myself to contain. My heart burns, limbs tense, muscles ache. The catalog of things I want to shatter and break grows as it continues unabated.

I try to heal it, soothe it, let it abate. I sometimes try to be kind, other times rely on a coping box (thank you Abstract for that useful concept), other times vent to my therapist. Sometimes, I can let it out in a smash of glass, beating the structure out of boxes until they are mangled. At the worst times, my family sees it. That's the time I'm trying to avoid now.
 
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Leah,

Sometimes when I am angry I find it helps me to just run (or bike); smash my feet into the ground, propel my body forward until I can feel the burn in my lungs and muscles, and go until I cannot go any further. Then I cry. That is when I know the hurt little girl inside is willing to be soothed.

Sending gentle hugs and support. :hug:
 
I'm angry because someone I needed to listen to me in a rough spot didn't, and because sometimes it feels like whenever I want to work through the hard stuff, it backfires. I get terribly frustrated about that. Angry because I have a lot of obligations and feel too short on resources to deal with them, too short on resources to get what I want out of life sometimes. It will probably pass, but I'm sick about it at the moment. I just want to break things, but don't know that it would help. Seems like really, I'm angry for 20 reasons and not sure I can explain them all perfectly.
 
I know that feeling. For me, I equate that to feeling trapped, unable to move, make a decision, get free. Is that similar for you?
 
My anger is a monster.
As it escalates, reason slips away, a faint voice lost in the cacophony of screaming.

I get you. My anger shocks me. And I literally feels like I've had a small electric shock afterwards. Headache, body ache, not calm, huge.I do things I regret (only regret because someone will complain or yell at me for doing what I've done. )

Like - finally do something about that thing the neighbour has done that really annoys me because it is damaging my property/fence or they make constant noise. etc.

After a number of years I had to go into a business where I was sexually harassed, ripped off, bullied, attacked, monitored, lied about, etc and traumatised where I got intrusive thoughts etc. I had to take some young people through to do their shopping. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to see anyone I used to work with. I did my job, helped them find their things, but unconsciously was getting RAW inside.

A defence / attack creature in me loomed up and blurted out something to a staff member who wanted to check my bag. Oh no.

Then I Blurt out at the Bully psycho at work to "be nice to the kids!".(coz she isn't) Then freak out and wonder why I couldn't control myself because now I will be the one in trouble. Then I convince myself it never happened. Then she makes a big formal complaint. Then freak out and wonder why I couldn't control myself because now I am the one in trouble. I was hyper, scared and angry for the rest of the day and night. I didn't realise how much the abuse is has damaged me.

It's taken 32 hours to settle down a bit. Meanwhile I've damaged my calm reputation and behaved in a way that will get me in heaps of trouble at work.
So now: my pupils are like pin points; I have a weird headache; I hate all humans; I don't care about feelings. I feel non human.
 
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That was Wednesday. Thursday I didn't go to work, not feeling 100% until evening. Friday, feeling good and back at work.
 
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