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The "f" Word Will Help You Heal!!

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This is interesting, though:

my version of forgiveness is simple. I gather up all of the filth and degradation that the perpetrator in question laid on me and made me carry around from the time they laid the filth on me to the present... And when I have it all processed and gathered up, I meet with the perpetrator. I greet the perpetrator, and tell them, " Here is all of the filth and crud that you laid on me to carry around every day of my life. I am tired ofcarrying around what is rightfully yours. So here are the two 50 LB bags, one on each side of your neck, that belong to you. I hope you enjoy carrying around all of this crud as much as I did."..Once I lay [it] on the perpetrator, I am now free of all of the hideous anger...now, the filthy perps own what is rightfully theirs.
I generally don't associate this with the word 'forgiveness' - more with retribution, or something. I'm curious, @crc53liamt - is this how you've always thought of what forgiveness is?
 
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Sure I can stop using abbreviations. And I don't think expressing my thoughts is indicative me shoving anything down anyone's throat. You may want to reexamine your assertions. Furthermore if you wish to cling to your hatred of someone and have that hurt you internally that's your prerogative I choose not to do that. You may wish to examine an alternate religions viewpoint on the concept of hatred the Buddha said that it is a hot coal which burns you before you throw it to someone else. I'm going to ignore your vitriol...walk your own Path in peace.
 
I generally don't associate this with the word 'forgiveness' - more with retribution, or something.

I do agree with that. Not so much retibution because how can you make someone pay for what they did when they have no idea that you forgave them. I mean, i guess you could tell them but i do know the bible (though I dont claim to be christian) and its off for what forgiveness is. Its more like releasing of "junk" and hatred and what not.

Maybe a metaphor for yourself, I suppose, but it does seem a bit off even for what defines forgiveness.

It is intresting to see the differences in the thread though. Makes you think and thats always good.

I think whatever helps you heal im all for it. But all heal differently.
 
Furthermore if you wish to cling to your hatred of someone and have that hurt you internally that's your prerogative I choose not to do that.
That assumes the opposite of forgiveness is hatred, I don't believe that it is. I was raised with an understanding of forgiveness from my fundy evangelical upbringing. However those people who told me that I needed to forgive to be forgiven turned a blind eye while I was regularly beaten by my parents, so I'm going to take that school of moral thought with a very big pinch of salt.

It's fine for you to say that acceptance doesn't purge your heart like forgiveness but some of the things that were done to me are unforgivable and I live with the consequences every day. I don't hate the people involved, and don't wish I'll on them but I really don't want them in my life any more than necessary and with very tight boundaries. I won't pretend stuff never happened, and I won't buy their sanitised version of events either. I do work with acceptance, acceptance of what was done to me and the impact of this, and acceptance that people chose to hurt me badly, I don't need to accept them, forgive them, pretend I don't still carry hurt to heal. When you break a leg it heals, but there's a scar on the bone and from time to time it really hurts. Doesn't mean you haven't healed.

Someone (many people) broke me, I've done a lot of healing but there are scars that hurt, a lot. Pretending they aren't there or beating myself up because I carry hurt - that's going to bugger up my healing process quicker than anything.
 
Sure I can stop using abbreviations. And I don't think expressing my thoughts is indicative m...

I broke the part of my keyboard I need to insert a quote and every time I use it my whole damn comment looks like a quote. If this just happened again, sorry. Okay, so I meant to insert the " Cling to your hatred " quote from Geoffrey here. And my comment is directed at you, Geoffrey.

Since you seem to appreciate Buddhism, from your comment, I'd like to point out that acceptance is the foundation of letting go in Buddhism, not forgiveness, which is Christian dogma. The source of all pain is attachment, according to Buddha. The attachment of our pain, anger, fear and resentments. When we can accept our past and our powerlessness to change it, we can let it go. When we accept our negative emotions and subsequent personal damage from these experiences, we can let them go and be free. In the absence of these thoughts and feelings, healthy and happier experiences can take root and fill the empty space they left behind. Nothing new will show up to grow in a space that is already filled, you have to let go of what you are holding on to for change to take root.

Nowhere in any of that does it say one has to forgive another human being, or that not forgiving prevents healing. It most certainly does not equal " holding on to hatred " not to forgive a human for causing pain and suffering to you or your children.

The opposite of forgiveness is not hatred.

Understanding a perpetrator his motives and circumstances can help us understand what their life path was and is, and what ours was and is, and lead to acceptance of how those paths crossed and the situation transpired so we can let it and them go. That does not equal forgiveness, nor does it need to.

I take a little offense to the self righteous Christian overtone in your comment, especially since you identified yourself as a mental health professional. If you believe that you cant be healthy without forgiveness, or that if you did not forgive you would be ' hating' , then that is your own internal belief system. It isnt a truthful concept for everyone else, and it does not mean that someone else is unhealthy because they disagree with your religious beliefs. And they are your religious beliefs, they are not inclusive of other personal beliefs or respectful of other viewpoints.

As a mental health professional of some kind, the authoritative tone you took to stating your opinion blatantly indicated you feel that someone who cant forgive a perpetrator of abuse or crime is defective or negative and hateful, that is adding shame and blame. Its putting a PTSD experiencing trauma victim on the defensive for being a bad person... " cling to your hatred " was really a passive aggressive offensive remark.
 
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I'm sorry if it came off that way...I would not want to be judged...or feel that way in any way. I apologize if I upset you. I know for me I was once greatly attached to my anger and forgiveness liberated my heart.
 
In my experience very many people turn away from the Lord because human beings who say they are good Christians hurt them and profess to believe in God. In fact they are hypocrites. My application is to say that hatred and love seem to be Polar Opposites and forgiveness and love are synonymous. Just my 2 cents.
 
And just because I'm a mental health professional I most certainly don't think that I know everything and I absolutely know that I don't know what your inner realm is like I can only make comments regarding my limited understanding of the words any person would apply here
 
That assumes the opposite of forgiveness is hatred, I don't believe that it is.
Exactly :)

...Not everyone who went through severe abuse for years, feels hatred towards their abuser... I accompanied my abuser (mother) three days and nights during her physically very painful dying process. Did I feel joy, euphoric, triumphant when I saw her suffer and then die ? No. I just saw her horrendous suffering, and the enormous pain she was in. And I realized that this was her last journey on this earth. That final / dreaded something, no one can escape from. And (in my opinion) no one should have to walk that last mile alone. If I would have hated her, I would neither have been able nor willing to accompany her through her dying process, nor hold her in my arms while she did her last breaths.

And yes, sometimes, when I struggle with the aftermath (PTSD) of her actions towards me, I do feel anger. But that only means, I have to thoroughly work through all this. Because even if there's wholehearted forgiveness, it does neither reverse the damage done, nor the consequences for the survivor of the abuse. And it also doesn't absolve the survivor from the responsibility, to face the music = do a lot of hard self-work.
 
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