Matryoshka
New Here
Hello my name is Lita
Now i have a problem dealing with my feelings and my ability to give and receive affection.
♥
To shorten my story on how i got PTSD has to do with bullying and afraid of human interaction. Growing up i was severely bullied thought elementary and got to the point of suicide in my Middle School years. Year after Year being beaten and yelled at, scolded for things such as smiling and giggling made me afraid of i guess the human race. Everyday my friends would greet me and converse with me and yeah i laugh and all but deep inside i keep them at a certain distance to my heart because i know one way or another they are going to hurt me whether they approve or not.
♥
Now going into my highschool years i was confessed by a classmate ; here is where i realized my reaction to affection; he told me that he really loved me, amd instead of being all fluttered and blushed the feeling of disgust and shame hit me hard, so hard i blanked out for a few long seconds before snapping back into reality. The feeling was so odd i mean i wanted to love him back but the harder i tried the more shameful and revolted i got. A few years later i decided to rebel against my feelings and got myself a loving boyfriend. Everytime he wants to hug or cuddle even hold hands the feeling of disgust and the feeling of wanting to run away is to strong to combat. Now everytime he leaves and i bid him goodbye i lay down and blank out as if my body is in shock.
♥
Please i need help! What is going on with me? How do i stop all of this? How do i receive love and give it back? Will i be like this forever? Am i the only one like this?
Now i have a problem dealing with my feelings and my ability to give and receive affection.
♥
To shorten my story on how i got PTSD has to do with bullying and afraid of human interaction. Growing up i was severely bullied thought elementary and got to the point of suicide in my Middle School years. Year after Year being beaten and yelled at, scolded for things such as smiling and giggling made me afraid of i guess the human race. Everyday my friends would greet me and converse with me and yeah i laugh and all but deep inside i keep them at a certain distance to my heart because i know one way or another they are going to hurt me whether they approve or not.
♥
Now going into my highschool years i was confessed by a classmate ; here is where i realized my reaction to affection; he told me that he really loved me, amd instead of being all fluttered and blushed the feeling of disgust and shame hit me hard, so hard i blanked out for a few long seconds before snapping back into reality. The feeling was so odd i mean i wanted to love him back but the harder i tried the more shameful and revolted i got. A few years later i decided to rebel against my feelings and got myself a loving boyfriend. Everytime he wants to hug or cuddle even hold hands the feeling of disgust and the feeling of wanting to run away is to strong to combat. Now everytime he leaves and i bid him goodbye i lay down and blank out as if my body is in shock.
♥
Please i need help! What is going on with me? How do i stop all of this? How do i receive love and give it back? Will i be like this forever? Am i the only one like this?