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The Feels Are Not Real

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Matryoshka

New Here
Hello my name is Lita

N
ow i have a problem dealing with my feelings and my ability to give and receive affection.



To shorten my story on how i got PTSD has to do with bullying and afraid of human interaction. Growing up i was severely bullied thought elementary and got to the point of suicide in my Middle School years. Year after Year being beaten and yelled at, scolded for things such as smiling and giggling made me afraid of i guess the human race. Everyday my friends would greet me and converse with me and yeah i laugh and all but deep inside i keep them at a certain distance to my heart because i know one way or another they are going to hurt me whether they approve or not.



Now going into my highschool years i was confessed by a classmate ; here is where i realized my reaction to affection; he told me that he really loved me, amd instead of being all fluttered and blushed the feeling of disgust and shame hit me hard, so hard i blanked out for a few long seconds before snapping back into reality. The feeling was so odd i mean i wanted to love him back but the harder i tried the more shameful and revolted i got. A few years later i decided to rebel against my feelings and got myself a loving boyfriend. Everytime he wants to hug or cuddle even hold hands the feeling of disgust and the feeling of wanting to run away is to strong to combat. Now everytime he leaves and i bid him goodbye i lay down and blank out as if my body is in shock.



Please i need help! What is going on with me? How do i stop all of this? How do i receive love and give it back? Will i be like this forever? Am i the only one like this?
 
You are not the only one like this.

I remember telling friends (who aren't friends anymore, but they weren't the type to understand mental illness, much less PTSD) that I didn't think I deserved love. That I hated myself the more people told me they cared about me. That love was an alien thing, inconceivable, mysterious, and I wasn't sure it existed. And if it did exist, it didn't exist for me, and if it did exist for me, I couldn't receive it.

Sad to say, but those folks dropped me like a hot potato after chastising me for feeling this way and not changing my mind.

It took a really long time to work it out. What made it all better was having friends (who understood mental illness, and worked to understand PTSD and trauma) who loved and cared about me. Who didn't ever stop telling me they loved me (while not going overboard). Who never stopped telling me I deserved to be loved. Who never lost patience with my resistance to love.

Eventually, also, they let me tell them I loved them. I had friends before who couldn't stand the idea of me loving them because they thought I was either trying to commit adultery or they were disgusted that I was apparently "some gross homo."

That reciprocal relationship broke down my barriers. But of course, things had to be set up so that the barriers were ready to be broken.

Before I found those friends, I got involved on Tumblr and filtered my feed down to other people who had gone through trauma (there are a lot of such folks on Tumblr) and getting exposed repeatedly to the idea that it's okay to love oneself. This took several years.

So I wasn't like this forever. Soaking myself in media that constantly told me I could be loved and deserved to be love no matter who I was inside, that it wasn't the least bit wrong nor selfish to do so (hint: Facebook does NOT do this)... Maybe that sounds silly but it's what helped me.

And I think learning to love myself meant I was ready to accept love from others more readily. Although it's not the case that you have to love yourself before you can learn to love others or any such tomfoolery.

Dunno if I made any sense. Will check back in the later morning to see if I do.

There is hope. Love.
 
Hi and welcome to the forum. :)

My trauma is due to CSA yet I have similar responses to getting close to people. (No, you're not the only one----many others with PTSD due to a use feel the same.)

The good thing is that you won't necessarily be like this forever. You can indeed heal so that you feel comfortable getting close to others.

Are you currently in therapy?
 
Hi and welcome to the forum. :)

My trauma is due to CSA yet I have similar responses to getting...
No im not but looking into it!

You are not the only one like this.

I remember telling friends (who aren't friends anymore, but th...
Thank you sooo much~~~
This helped me alot and gave me hope i will get better!! ( ・∀・)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Welcome, @Matryoshka
You are in good company here, there are also a lot of members around your age, very supportive group, of all ages, all stages.
Please, if you have questions, ask, we sometimes have answers and if not, we have caring to offer..
 
You are not alone in your feelings. I am very friendly and have wonderful friends... but getting down to the real love part, still have issues with that.. I can love them. easy peasy, not so much receive... I just get numb and go thru the motions with them and feel like a hypocrite.
But not here, here I truly feel the care from others... because I know they understand.
Good you are here... hope to see you around more.
 
I feel this way often. I've always had relationships built on pleasing others. I find myself fluctuating between being uncomfortable receiving love when it's offered, and then craving it painfully when it's not. Love has always been a strings attached thing, so I'm weary of it I guess on a subconscious level.

I try to see it like this: you have to be overflowing with inner love before you can give it out. Likewise, you have to be able to recognise what true, compassionate, nonjudgmental love feels like before you can see that it's being offered to you. You have to give yourself nurturing affection before you know what it feels like from others.

You are not alone, and you are already doing something loving by reaching out here. ❤️
 
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