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General The Fire Is Going Out

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Peach

MyPTSD Pro
I hate to say it and I certainly hate to feel it, but when starved of affection for a long enough period of time and no indication that this is just a spell, the fire of romantic love will start to die. We ended things in May with him still really on edge and saying no relationship beyond friends and me saying I'll give you time to calm down, we'll take things slow, and work our way back to good. We haven't.

I guess he was serious while I attributed it to stress overload and not thinking clearly. Then, he's had more stress piled on in many forms, one of which is computer problems (frustrating for anybody at the best of times) and so the Skype dates that were getting back on track have all but disappeared again.

If he really truly feels he doesn't want a relationship that's his prerogative and he has to look out for number 1. Yes, there is added stress, but I can see all the good it/I would do for him. I have no doubt the benefits would outweigh the cost. I think he's made the wrong decision. And at the risk of sounding arrogant, should he change his mind later, he would be hard pressed to find someone who would care and educate themselves and be patient, supportive and try to adapt as much as I have/do. There aren't a ton of people with the right temperament to take on a partner with PTSD.

So yeah. If he, by some miracle, started making advances toward me again tomorrow and said he was ready to give this a real try, the few embers I have left would roar back to life in an instant...no doubt about that since just writing this and confronting the reality of where I am has turned me into a big, mushy mess. But if he doesn't, I'm sad that they will grow colder and the light will be lost. What a waste of something so precious.

In the meantime, I still write my emails to him, as always, he is and always will be a best friend, and being that my writing (at least to me) usually has a journal/ diary type feel to it, I've told him that there is a man who has been pursuing me for a month or so. We've actually talked about Tater and his ex at length and commiserated with each other. I have made it pretty damn clear to New Guy that I'm not interested, I don't want to lead someone on, as I feel that's pretty close to what has happened here to me and it is heartbreaking. Yet he persists and bought me Valentine's chocolates and a teddy bear yesterday. VERY sweet of him...but I'm sad it's not from Tater.

No reaction from Tater that someone else is sniffing around what could be his territory (doesn't know about the candy and teddy yet, but that I knew this guy liked me). I didn't tell him to make him jealous or provoke a reaction. I told him because that's what's happening in my life right now. If it had spurred him into some movement, well, great. But it didn't. I guess it wont. :(
 
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((Hugs)) @Peach. Have you thought about what YOU want? I know you love Tater, are being very patient with him, and taking all his stress into consideration... But would you like to date NewGuy now if you aren't getting any other romantic attention?
 
Mmm - I don't want to throw the cat amongst the pigeons but I know with my vet (and bear in mind we live together and have done for about 2 years now) if he thinks there is another bloke sniffing around his reaction is to say something like:
"Maybe you should leave me for him. You'd probably be better off with him. You would be happier with him."

If Tater is struggling right now he probably thinks he is doing the right thing by you by throwing smoke and clearing the area for New Guy. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

BUT - having said all that.... @Sweetpea76 is right. What do you want? How long are you prepared to wait for Tater?
 
That's exactly part of the problem @Sighs. If he would give me a single indication that he is interested I could be patient and not in limbo again, but I have absolutely nothing to go on except him saying he wanted to just be friends and the relative silence on that subject since then...but like I said that was when he was fired up and I never really believed that. So I don't know if I'm blinding myself to the truth because I'm scared of the reality and putting too much emphasis on "it was the PTSD driving the car when he said that" or if I'm right that he does still have those feelings for me and he's still just got his head in the sand so he doesn't have to deal with it.

All that being said, he is like your guy, I've also gotten the "you're better of without me and you could find someone better." So, you could be right about that. I absolutely loved and admired @FridayJones when she said a little while ago that she's decided to let her men make their own decisions about being with her even if she thinks they're being stupid. Wish he could come to that conclusion, too.

Though he does know about this other guy now, he also knows I'm still pulling for us (as much as I feel I'm allowed to voice my feelings without him pulling away completely). He'd have to be an idiot to think I'm not in love with him.

Men, right? LOL

I have thought all along that if we're long distance we will never get anywhere. When we're together, things happen and progress naturally, because he's having fun and is distracted and enjoying himself, but when we're an ocean apart he has time to think and get inside his own head and talk himself out of things. I'm trying hard to get some things cooking. I've got at least 6 different itineraries saved in my Travelocity account, just need the okay to buy some plane tickets.

I do want Tater, he is perfect for me...aside from this limbo business. I've got a lot of love to give and I'm a physically affectionate person, but I'm only that way with men I'm in love with. I can't go around hugging family and strangers and get that same feeling of fulfillment. I know I am loved as a person and friend, but I need that romantic love and acceptance in return. I know Tater can give that love, I've seen it and felt it. I just don't know if he's willing to get out of his own way.
 
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when she said a little while ago that she's decided to let her men make their own decisions about being with her even if she thinks they're being stupid. Wish he could come to that conclusion, too.

Lol... To be fair... I'm shit at it :p I sometimes have to come to that decision several times a day. I honestly cannot imagine why anyone would want to spend 5 minutes with me, much less the rest of forever.

"Maybe you should leave me for him. You'd probably be better off with him. You would be happier with him."
^^^^
That's me, all over.

I get territorial as f*ck. Good mood/bad mood Mine :sneaky: comes into play, even when other people don't know it :p It's honestly not good when they don't know it. In part because what's mine I would walk through fire to make sure had the very best life has to offer that I could even possibly arrange. Which ain't me, and I know it. Younger, prettier, stronger, faster, smarter, sweeter, sassyer, chiller, sexier, less f*cked up, annoying, useless, blah blah blah. Huge ego, me. & shite self esteem. It's a helluva combo. The more I love someone? Or could love someone? The harder I want them elsewhere / out of the line of fire /with someone who makes their world explode in stardust, pure love, pura vida. Someone even a fraction of what they deserve, a 1000x better than me.

If someone wants me? They really have to fight for me.

10 years later I get to my point :rolleyes:
I've got at least 6 different itineraries saved in my Travelocity account, just need the okay to buy some plane tickets.

What's the risk of a Hail Mary? Losing both the friendship AND the relationship. Several thousand dollars. That even if successful in the short term everything is exactly the same in 6mo or 2 years as it is now and it's losing all that and the time. Even if it works for the rest of forever; That this sets precedent / is needed from time to time. Others? Probably. Those are the ones off the top of my head.

If the fire's going out? Whether to go gently into this goodnight, or go out with a bang? (Or, hell, even have the damn thing work?) That's a highly personal decision with no wrong answer. But my 2.02 would be to put it on the table. 3rd option. Hope & wait. Let it die if that's what it's going to do / will still have a friendship and maybe a chance later. Hail Mary.

((Hitting post reply without editing, and überTired so my apologies if it wanders or is just plain rubbish.))
 
Hey there @Peach. Wondering how you're doing. Feeling a bit the same this morning even though I live with my vet. Its really hard when he's either numb or lashing out. Hard to feel like there is any point when all the little caring gestures I make are thrown back in my face and he never makes any in return. Sigh!
 
No movement in any direction yet, Sighs. He's still uber frustrated and pissed off with everything he's dealing with. And of course, more was added just this past week! He can't catch a break. Finally heard from him yesterday after writing an email asking if he was okay, I hadn't heard from him in nearly 2 weeks before that.

This period of isolation has been on and off (mostly on) since November. There's no way I can bring up something serious right now and hope to make any sort of headway. It would just drive him away.

I'm doing okay, gotten very busy again and that helps to take my mind off things. I'm working 2 jobs, one is full time, in school full time, going out of town for a week this Sunday for work, and have to take a State licensing exam soon. Oh, and doing my taxes which are quite complicated with all the BS I had going on this year. LOL Guess I'll just keep on waiting for Tater a while yet.

Sorry to hear you're a bit down, too, Sighs. It's so hard to know what to do sometimes. You love him to death, but just need a little bit in return. It's certainly not too much to ask for. :hug: How's his back healing up?
 
@Peach - good to hear you are keeping busy. It definitely helps!

His back has healed up really well. But two weeks ago he got hit in the face by a tree branch and split his lip open halfway to his ear. 17 stitches. That has also healed up really well but I've had about enough for this year already!

Hugs!
 
Tater told me about a song yesterday, now I'm trying to figure out if he's speaking to me through the song or if he simply likes it and wanted to share. I don't want to read too much into things.

He was talking about Sara Bareilles and how he's always liked her music, has an incredible voice, but even he forgets about her for big chunks of time, and she was never as popular as he felt she should be. Then he specifies one particular song he loves and thinks that lyrics are fantastic and amazing - he has no words - and that I need to listen to it. (He didn't pic this particular flowery video, it was just the top of the YT list when I pulled it up.)

Just a song or is it a not so subtle message?:banghead:

 
I'd say he's trying to tell you something. Question is whether that is enough for you...

Hugs if you accept them.
 
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