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The Isolation Cycle/ Help From Sufferers

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Well I guess I'm new here. I guess this is an outlet for guidance and faith right now. Knowing if I'm doing the right thing. Advice/Help from PTSD suffers.

I met my warrior back in The start of the new year. I wasn't looking for anything, but he swooooned my heart over. He is an amazing man with a beautiful heart. I literally smile and laughing 24/7 when I'm with him or just talking to him. He was in the military for 12 years and did four tours. The last two tours being the worst. He has been going to therapy and sticking to it. He is an isolator. He warned me he had Combat PTSD and was an isolator. Me being selfish, I was in denial and knowing nothing about it other than war vets get it, I thought he was fine. He seemed fine.

In June we went away on our first vacation. When he got back I could see a change. He was distant, avoided hanging out, and wasn't into talking. Felt like he was pushing away, Even though that weekend was amazing. we were talking about getting a house and future trips. I have been in two past relationships where I was cheated on. Me thinking that's what it was, I started into anxiety mood and asking what was wrong. He kept saying nothing. (Also, I'm not proud of it but we met through work. I'm a big advocate of, don't shit where you eat. But with him I have thought twice about. He is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Our work is full of drama and we keep our relationship a secret ... For the past 9 months)

He shut down the next weekend. Broke up with me. He said I didn't understand. he doesn't want to be with anyone. I turned to this site and read posts for strength and closure. I started educating myself on combat PTSD. I never gave up. I text him and checked in with him. he always texted back and we still kept contact. It took about two months until he could finally see me outside of work again. It was only for a couple hours but I don't think I've cried more once he left because he told me how much he missed when he finally saw me. I held it together and stayed strong while we were together know. Then we were back to talking sun up to sun down. I got to see him for a couple hours every other week or once a week this past month. I think we've gone a total of two weeks in the past 9 months of knowing each other not talking.

Recently this past week he went back to isolation. I dunno why, but this time it's just harder. It was like three steps forward and two steps back. I miss him a lot this time. I can't help but think it's my fault. I told him I loved him, because I could tell he was slipping back into isolation. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. I hoped that he knew I'd never hurt him...I wish I kinda handn't said anything. just kept my mouth shut. He went into complete shut down after I told him that. I think it was to much to handle, I dunno. He keeps saying he wants to go back to Afghanistan. That life was easier there. I know we work in a very stressful environment. It takes a toll on him. He still says he doesn't want a relationship it is to much anxiety and stress.

I dunno how to help make it better. Magic beans to take back what I said maybelol. I dunno what to say to him or help him yet. I feel like i make it worse, but he never got to a good place were I could talk to him about what helps during isolation. Advice from suffers from PTSD on what to do. I'm just kinda having a hard time refocusing on me and finding things to pass the time and it's only day two.
 
Stay in touch by texts again, let him know if he is ready to come out of isolation, you will be there for him, but also tell him you understand as best as you can and have been studying up on PTSD so you can better sunderstand where he is coming from.

As to him wanting to go back, just ignore that. I think he'll get over it. Let him know that the job is stressful for you too, if you have not done so already.

WHen I isolate, which is not often, since I am kind of an extrovert, I usually just say something like I need to be alone now, I'll get in touch with you in a bit, when I am in a better place. I also let the person know it is not them, but me, and that they did nothing wrong. Often, folks will ask me if I'm OK or what is the matter, and I will usually just say, oh, it's nothing. Just one of my moods....

Oh, and consider it a blessing that he divulged to you that he is PTSD, that took guts!
 
Sometimes, the pain and inner turmoil causes us to retreat into ourself, and we isolate. In time, we usually come out of our shells again, at least a little bit. Best of luck.
 
Sheilakathy- thank you!! I try to ask what helps to make it better. I ask if it's better that not text him or bother him and he just says, "it's okay"or "it's fine". So I'm not sure yet what helps and what doesn't. I just know that he was just coming out of isolation and we were making strides forward, then he went back. He started talking about wishing he was back in the military and Afghanistan because life was easier. I never offer advice. I just listen and offer support the best I can.

Whisper_truth- thank you for the insight!!! I hope he does. I kinda miss him a lot this time I dunno if what I said made it worse than what it was.
 
Sheilakathy- thank you!! I try to ask what helps to make it better. I ask if it's better that no...[/QUOthisTE]
I am struggling with the same thing. Last weekend I said those 3 dumb words and now he is freaked out and will not talk. All I can say that this site has really helped me and understanding. I no longer thing he's cheating I tell myself that he just needs time his cup is over flowing. This is hard for me as all I want to do is go give him a huge hug. Best of luck
 
For sure Jenny330. This site helped me through the summer of his first isolation. It oddly brings the soul and mind some peace. He at least ,this time, kinda talks. He will still say goodnight but I know his cup is overflowing. He still tries to make a little contact each day. Let's me know he is okay. He doesn't share feelings and if he does its are and brief.
 
also tell him you understand as best as you can and have been studying up on PTSD so you can better understand where he is coming from.

May take some time, but he will appreciate your understanding. Give him some time and space.

Sometimes, the pain and inner turmoil causes us to retreat into ourself, and we isolate.

So true....dealing with PTSD takes a lot of brain energy and strength. I've often isolated myself for periods since an early age. It's nothing personal. Just a survival method I guess.

Stay strong - obviously you care for him greatly. Yes sometimes we just need time alone to regain our strength. It's nothing personal.
 
Thank ocean5!!! It seems like it's his way of regrouping cause his cup of stress is just overflowing!! The time around he has tried to stay in more contact, so I'll take all the positives I can get!
 
I am in full isolation myself right now. I am even having to push myself hard to get on here and make this post. I don't want to see or talk to anybody longer than it takes to pay for my groceries. My wife left me a little over half a year ago because she couldn't handle it any more and in the process she ended up maxing out my long term PTSD. She managed to push it stronger than it has ever been. Right now I even skipped going to church last week and I am trying to convince myself to go tomorrow. We were married for 44 years but when she decided to quit me she made a few huge mistakes. The worst was she fooled my doctor into thinking I was suicidal, which I am not, and I was sent to a lock up psychiatric ward.

That was sure not the right thing to do. My PTSD is now far worse than it has ever been. My causes are various including very severe childhood abuse including shoulders broken by father when I was two and sexual assault by his mother. I was also in the US Army and was involved in some highly class----- work that I still cannot talk about. I am under the probably correct impression that if I even write about it here it will create key words and phrases that will cause it to be investigated by the no such agency. It's why I live here now. It makes it harder for them to pester me which they used to do regularly whenever I flew back to anywhere on the east coast near DC. Even though I have been out of that work for 45 years it still matters a lot to them, and me. They still want to be sure I am on the right side. I worked on things that kill wholesale.

I am still in contact with my ex but we aren't getting back together. It just won't happen. I now have bad dreams that include her a lot. When I got back from the ward after they determined that I had zero mental issues (they totally missed my PTSD, it would have looked bad for them to admit they aggravated it as they did) I immediately knew that I could not even get close to my former wife.

About the only thing I can offer for advice is to grin and bear it. He may or may not come back full time but if he is at this level then it isn't going to get better any time soon. He may well be the nicest man you have ever met but he is only part time on that score, just like me. One of the reasons my wife left me was because I was in withdrawal mode for most of last year. Go ahead and talk it out on text and e-mail but you may well find that you will be better off to find a person that is dependable. I'm not and probably never will be until I stop talking permanently.
 
I hate giving such advice but it is a matter of reality. Once the brain get screwed up like this it tends to stay that way. I have been on and off all my life but never anything as bad as now. I could very easily get highly POed at various people but that doesn't solve anything. I figured that out a very long time ago and swore to myself that I would never hurt any being in my life. What I didn't know at that time is how hard that would be. I have stuck with that promise to myself and will never break it but what I never knew and neither did anybody else is that I have a very unusual and special problem. It is a very good thing I made such a promise, and I never break my promises, period. I have gradually been getting worse and then the stay at the psych ward really did me in.

I am getting treatment for Hep C and for some reason the doctor decided to measure my testosterone. That hasn't been done before as I can recall. I pick up the test results even before he usually looks at them. When I showed it to him he just said "That's impossible". Well, it isn't, at least not for me. I am 66 years old but my testosterone is the same as a 20 year old. A long time ago I somehow converted my response to things that should make me fight to flight instead. That was a direct part of my vow to never hurt another being. Damn good thing too or I would be in prison for killing somebody. We did a little checking and without going into too much detail I am one of the slightly more than 100 people that have ever been diagnosed with Triorchidism. In my case that means three functional testes that are somewhat larger than usual. They are putting out far more than the usual amount of testosterone, even at my current age. And yes, it has always been apparent that they are somewhat larger than usual...

Yeah, I know this is good for a lot of jokes but it isn't much of a joke when it is at least partly responsible for destroying your long term marriage. I have never changed my outlook on love from the early very passionate form to the older compassionate type found normally in long term relationships. It also appears that having such high testosterone is probably in some degree responsible for my PTSD. Very high testosterone amplifies the responses to many things emotional, and especially the bad things. I have had plenty of those over my life with about 10 different ways of nearly dying since I was very young to as recently as this year.

I am still trying to figure all of this out and it isn't easy. There just isn't any information on line anywhere about somebody my age with the testosterone of a teenager. It supposedly just can't happen. I have no idea what to do about this, especially since I would like to try to find a female partner to live with, if I can at least get over the worst of my PTSD. Maybe taking a small amount of female hormones would be the answer such as is normally used to treat prostate cancer. This is one for the doctor to research but I am guessing he won't find much either.
 
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