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The Name is Kat - Abused in So Many Ways

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Shinigami_Shimai, Jul 8, 2007.

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  1. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    I'm Kathryn K Williams and have been suffering from PTSD for longer then I can remember. Been on disablity due to this madness since I was 18 and I'm now 32. I thought I was getting better recently. I got married to my soulmate two years ago and she is very understanding and even suffers from PTSD as well so we are there for each other.

    There are so many causes for my issues that it would take forever to list them all, things like sexual assult from several family members, emotional and physcial abuse from my mother and my near death at the hands of bullies, which left my first girlfriend dead. Every time I think about my past it causes me to want to scream. I usually can handle it, my suicidal tendencies have deminished since Kim moved in with me. She can tell when I'm having a break down and holds me instead of running away, while most others just dropped off the face of the earth. I've been sleeping better and not having night terrors anymore, just simple nightmares.

    I spent a lot of time trying to prove that I was not worthless by graduating from art school and becoming a gallery artist and comic book artist/writer, however that was not enough and after 5 years I turned to writing novels. My first dealt with my high school years after being released from a mental hosptial, the second is a several novel long saga dealing with kids trying to cope with the madness of their lives. I've finished 5 novels and people seem to love them, enough to get offeres from agents, but I'm scared because it would mean printing the stories about my family life that my parents expressively told me never to tell anyone about, then there is the move my wife and I are perparing for and the fact that I run two forums and am being asked to run part of a convention, which means hosting many lectures. All of this is making me rather unstable and I don't know where to turn anymore.

    Anyways, sorry to ramble, *waves*

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    welcome to the forum Kat!

    bec
     
  4. sparta21

    sparta21 Member

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    Welcome, Kat. I'm pretty new too. Didn't think it would help being on here, but it does cause I keep comin' back. Welcome.
     
  5. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    Right now haveing a place that I can freely talk without being considered completely insane would be nice. Mildly insane I'm fine with, it is expected of writers, while completly insane is a little more then I desire.

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Kat, welcome to the forum.
    Interesting that you have a partner with PTSD.... why do you believe the mental attraction? Is it because you both understand what the other feels? I am curious though to where exactly your partner is in her healing relative to yourself Kat!!!
    Is this what changed you to be gay, being the sexual assaults; or did you know you were always gay?

    Sorry to hear about your past partner though, being killed, I take it murdered even! Did the culprits get caught? Was it a gay bashing? I am unsure though why exactly that would occur to females though, as gay females are often not seen in the same light, nor discriminated against compared to gay males. Society... hey!

    Who exactly where you trying to prove something too?

    Well done on your writing career though, and well done for your ability to work.
     
  7. mouse

    mouse Well-Known Member

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    welcome to the forum Kat,
    I am so sorry that your former partner was killed, I am glad that you have found a soul mate that can help you, it is strange that you two were attracted to each other both having PTSD but she seems to offer you good support, welcome and I pray for you that your life become easier.
     
  8. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    Actually we fell for each other online and I did not discover her PTSD until I started living with her. She had many of the same issues that I had, but had not started to recover yet. It is nowhere near as severe as mine, but since I'm years ahead in recovery it gives me a lot of strength to be there for her. When she breaks down she can never understand why I'm calm and hold her, but she does the same for me. It is like we have a connection that I've never felt before and it goes well beyond just the PTSD thing.

    I was always gay. I always liked girls and being forced to sleep with girls as a child, father was messed up, it only reinforced my feelings for girls. It just made having sex unusual and took a long time to understand how to make Love to someone and that it is different then having sex.

    It was a gay bashing, they were trying to straighten out the two dykes, they beat and raped us. I somehow lived, but suffered from 3 broken ribs and a fractured skull... she did not make it however. They never caught the idiots and soon after I tried to take my own life to be with her only to land myself in a psycho hospital for a year and my parents disowned me so I've been on my own since I was 16... The wonders of Society... Blah...

    After the stay in the metal hospital I was told that I would land myself right back in there in only a few month and that I would be an eternal failure. My mother told me that the only way to get revenge on the people who pushed me down was to better my life and prove that I was not a failure. The funny thing is she was one of the people who were pushing me down and I still hear her voice in my head and it drives me to succeed no matter how down I get.

    Thanks, but it isn't much of a job. I still need to face my problems with publishing. It scares me think that I'm actually good at anything. I mean I spend years working at conventions before crashing from stress so turned to something less stressful and now I'm wigging out over the idea of having these stories printed for more then just the internet world to see. *sighs*

    Anyways, Sorry to ramble. I'm really out of it today. More nightmares then usual and I'm hating this. I've been fine for nearly a year and then everything came crumbling down on me again. God, I wish I could get over this crap. Every time I think I'm over all of this it comes back two fold to haunt me. I just want this stuff to get out of my head and let me live my life for now on.

    Mouse - Thanks for the words. As I said it was not our PTSD that drew us together. She is my soulmate and we have so much in common. She is the only person that I can talk to about some of my worse thoughts and memories without being judged. Even her mother is supportive, which is very strange, the women actually considers me as part of the family and even read one of my novels...

    Anyways, Jaa ne... I need to get back to editing. This one story is driving me nuts and is the hardest one I've ever written. I can't believe I put in all that stuff about my childhood experiences when I was part of a child porn ring. It really shakes me up reading over those parts and it makes it very hard to edit, but it must be done.

    Later.

    Kat
     
  9. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Welcome Kat:hello:,

    I call PTSD the beast. Yes it rears its ugly head when we least expect it....It does get better, and things do calm down with tons of work.

    Hang in there, and this to shall pass.

    She Cat
     
  10. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

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    Thanks, but after 30 years I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get over this. I mean it is coming up on the 3rd anniversary of my wife moving in with me and I thought I was getting better, but then it all hits me broadside and I feel like I'm moving backwards instead of forwards. I keep staring at this forum unsure where to post or what to do. I don't know what I'm doing anylonger... *sighs*

    Well thanks for the welcomes.

    jaa ne

    Kat
     
  11. hodge

    hodge I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Hi Kat, and welcome.

    I hear you on the "overachiever" thing; I've done that most of my life to try to convince myself I'm okay.

    When I first joined the forum, I read a lot of the articles in the Information sections and posts in other parts of the forum that spoke to me. There's a lot of good info and support in here. Glad you found us.

    Hodge
     
  12. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Hi Kat,

    Welcome to the forum. I'm with Hodge in that I read and read and read when I first joined up. There's a lot of info to help us out. Plus asking any questions you'd like to in the chat section. Take your time or jump in. It's up to you.

    Glad you're here.

    Lisa
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Kat, your putting too much pressure on yourself to begin with IMHO. Firstly, you will never "get over it", ever. Secondly, your thinking style is what one with PTSD typically believes, in that time away, ignorance and avoidance is an effective strategy, yet only to discover that it all comes back once again. Guess what? It will keep coming back again and again until such time that you face your fears, you face your trauma, all of it; learn how to take control of your life once again and how to manage PTSD uniquely.

    First thing you must realise, is that unless you no longer fear your past, you no longer fear your trauma, then your not as well as you may think you are, because you have only used bandaids to cope, not live. Big difference....
     
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