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The Never Ending Process Of Being Misunderstood

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Libika

I've been in a relationship for about 6 months and it's good for the most part. But the way I cope with my grief is obviously different than him. Example is our dog passed away we both loved very much. He is calling everyone and constantly making comments like 'right now (dog) would be doing this, or he would have loved that'. Don't get me wrong I understand he may need to talk about it, but when he's on the 5th phone call and I go outside he can't accuse me of hiding something.

I'm using my dog as just an example, my mentor passed away in January (my boyfriend had never met her) and I still exhibited the same grieving methods. I wear more makeup than usual, fix my hair certain ways, more jewelry, ect.. It is my mask to hide behind for awhile, I guess. I rarely cry but also I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to share my feelings, I do stay more to myself. I use writing and music to express myself and you won't get me to talk before I'm ready too. Other things become trivial at the time because, in reality, they are.

But he sees these things as I'm up to something or hiding something. I've explained this too him and have shown pictures of what I looked like at certain times in my past. It's an obvious pattern. Yesterday he yanked my phone out of my hand 5 different times to see who I was texting... It was my mom. All 5 times. I'm getting fed up with his constant need to get on my phone, be suspicious, and get upset if I didn't answer his phone call or didnt answer his text within a 30 minute period. I have to delete anything a friend tells me in confidence so he doesn't read it.

I had put a lock on my phone and the same night we found out our dog had drowned (Monday) he wakes me up at 6am demanding to know my password. I had fell asleep at 4am, sad about my dog, nightmares the couple hours I did sleep, and refused to tell him at first. Is having a form of privacy bad? My poems, journal, thoughts are written on here and I don't like him having access to them unless I choose too share them.

And no matter how many times I explain it just because he doesn't see a reason I should be showing symptoms because life is good, that IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. Thoughts on how to handle this? Please, I don't know what else to do.
 
I had a boyfriend who was very insecure and who constantly checked up on me, and behaved as if I could not be trusted. I felt pretty miserable at times during our relationship because I had done nothing to cause his lack of trust, yet I had to bear the brunt of his negative behavior. I did my best to assure him that he had nothing to worry about. I eventually realized that I had isolated myself from the 2 friends I had because it made him more comfortable if I did that. I also realized that he was still insecure, and he still checked up on me. Adjusting my behavior for his comfort did not improve the relationship, it did not give him the assurance that he needed to feel more secure, it just made me miserable. There really was nothing that I could do to help him be secure in our relationship, his insecurities were his own to conquer and had nothing to do with me really, I was just subject to them, so I left. I am in no way implying that you should leave, only sharing my own experience with something similar to maybe give you some perspective.

There is nothing that you can say, do, or be, that can change another person...because we all have free will, we have to choose to change ourselves.
 
It sounds like your relationship is moving at warp speed as you have only been with this guy for 6 months yet you two already live together. Unfortunately, because you jumped right into playing house, you didn't get to see this MAJOR red flag of disrespecting boundaries. And you will need to set strong boundaries as they are quite weak here and he is trampling all over them. I am a FIRM believer that sufferers should take it slow in relationships because we oftentimes have wonky boundaries and we unknowingly attract people who will walk all over our boundaries. Maybe that is what has happened here? If so, then I don't honestly see things changing much as it tends to be a dynamic that isn't overcome easily. That is, the relationship construct is based upon a bad premise from the get go. Bad attracts bad, and even though it probably wasn't conscious, your inability to set boundaries has attracted someone who will walk all over your boundaries.

Grabbing your phone out of your hand? Abusive! (Unwanted physical contact.)

Demanding your password so he can access everything in your phone? Abusive! (You deserve privacy, and I'd argue that you need to work on this because you are actually here asking us if you deserve privacy so you don't even know its your right, even in a relationship.)

You found yourself a real piece of work! He's insecure. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING you do is going to fix this.....HE has to fix things himself. It will get to the point where he is isolating you from everyone and everything, and unless you're living in a dark room by yourself with no outside contact whatsoever 24/7, he will think you're up to no good.
 
IF (I extra emphasize IF) he's someone you see yourself with longterm, HIS insecurities are something you can address if HE is willing to address them. You can do some things to help with this - without having to give your "stamp of approval" to his own COMPLETELY inappropriate behaviors. I think you could be seeing warning signs that suggest HE isn't ready for a relationship - but you have to make the call .. is this a person I'm willing to invest in? At issue is also the fact that you have YOU to worry about, your own health, etc. I hope you have a good support system, are taking care of yourself to learn healthy ways to grieve, etc. It is SO hard when we are fighting our own "demons" to have the presence of mind and PATIENCE to help our loved one deal with theirs. You keep triggering each other, and things can just fall apart. .. I'm a firm believer that (true) LOVE is worth fighting for, but LOVE is not merely a feeling, but more of a "verb" - the ACTION we are willing to put behind investing in another human soul. A very favorite quote, and one I fall back on a LOT, is:

1-3 If I speak with the eloquence of men and of angels, but have no love, I become no more than blaring brass or crashing cymbal. If I have the gift of foretelling the future and hold in my mind not only all human knowledge but the very secrets of God, and if I also have that absolute faith which can move mountains, but have no love, I amount to nothing at all. If I dispose of all that I possess, yes, even if I give my own body to be burned, but have no love, I achieve precisely nothing.

4 This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience—it looks for a way of being constructive. It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.

5-6 Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.

7-8a Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.

I hope the best for you both!

~S2B
 
Thoughts on how to handle this? Please, I don't know what else to do.
Run? Seriously. This is the way he is, I rather doubt you're going to change it. I'd be willing to bet HE doesn't see it as a problem, he sees this as something he's owed. It's not likely to get any better. Get out while you can.
 
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