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The struggle with self compassion...

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Looking back over the posts here since just the beginning of the year and wondering what happened. Why do I seem to get going and then go off the rails. A lot of work to be done. I have tools, I think about using them, I even get a few working, then down I go. So very tired of picking myself up again and again. Onward, one day at a time. Still trying to read through The Mindful Way Through Anxiety. Working on constant gratitude reminders and reframing. Just tired.
 
When I started to do self compassion I had strong, solid visceral reactions of suicidal idea...
Thank you for your posts on self compassion- the concept of self compassion is one that has been suggested to me on a few questions and yet I had no idea why or how. I do hate myself so much and had no idea others struggle with this idea too -A duuuhhhh.
Not trying to think I was unique but having the realization that I have had so much hurt that I never acknowledged and didn't see that there would ever be a possibility to feel differently for real. Until a few months ago I was certain that I would get my stuff in order and then miThank you for the links and discussion around resources - this has been inspiring
 
I fell off the wagon on this one last night. I was meant to do some loving kindness, and it was really, really, really hard.
 
I think, for me, it needs to be a combination of the Self Compassion exercises that are free to listen to/download from the Kristin Neff website on Self Compassion, and Radical Acceptance, which is free to watch in the Instant Mindfulness, and read about on the dbtselfhelp website. I just have to keep at those two. I need to really hammer them. I did 45 minutes of Mindful Movement this morning, and 44 minutes of a guided Body Scan. Guided meditations are the ones that work for me - the unguided is not always safe for me to do. Though I am getting there, alot more than I ever have.

They are the hardest things for me to do (other than being in my body) and so that is what I most need to do right now. Walking towards the difficulties. Walking towards what is hardest. Walking towards the most challenging. I am going to break the back of my avoidance, procrastination, dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation and disembodiment.

I got really challenged this week that I was really giving myself a really hard time of it! Seriously? I have improved so much! You should of seen me before this work! All this hard work that I did!

But Self Compassion Breaks (free on the Kristin Neff website) on tap from now on!
 
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Great resources - thank you. It sounds like you have been living and moving in the direction of health for quite sometime. I like to think of it as a direction because there is often more than one route and we all need to stop along the way and regroup before proceeding. Please be kind to yourself. In retrospect it is easy to see that we may have made different choices but it is all a journey. We are always learning and having new experiences.

Wishing you the best on your journey.
 
When I started to do self compassion I had strong, solid visceral reactions of suicidal ideation combined with a profound and deep sense of unworthiness - so I had to take it ever so slowly at the beginning. Even the idea of self compassion was abhorrent to me. My self hatred was so deep that I could never see myself ever really moving in that direction. It was unfathomable. Going in that direction jolted me with pretty severe bounceback. So I had to slowly move in that direction .0001 of a degree at a time. I had extreme and severe backdraft.
So now I am not having the solid visceral reactions of suicidal ideation, that is a significant amount of progress I have made in that arena. I am struggling with the corrosive self doubt, and the profound visercal sense of unworthiness, so that is where I need to work on, focus on next and move towards. It is really hard to sit with feelings after a lifetime of being so dissociated, disembodied, depersonalised and derealised.

My psychiatrist doesn't want me spending too much time in communities or groups with a lot of mentally ill people, she wants me to move out into the world and be around just average people doing things in the world. So I have been working a lot on that. The social phobia is hard going at times, I feel everyone is judging me as not good enough, but it is mainly the echo chambers of my own confirmation bias.

I am still struggling with maladaptive daydreaming and ruminations, but gradually being a bit more here.

The Self Compassion Break, when I use it, is very helpful for me. It is still to a number of traditions, and practices, such as the Three Minute Breathing Space from the Mindfulness tradition. I found another one recently and it was similar with different language. There is so much free stuff on the Internet. I have also been looking at the Perth Meditation Centre, which also has free resources to use and listen to, some good articles on explaining the background.

I have also been looking at "The Anxious Brain : The Neurobiological Basis of Anxiety Disorders and How to Effectively Treat Them"by Margaret Wehrenberg and Steven M. Prinz. So that is very interesting as well. It all connects up for me in the end. I am finding I am learning a lot. Struggled today quite a bit. Yesterday I was in total anxiety about saying no to Borderline Personality Disorder woman, and for all my ruminations, it was a total non issue. Then I was paranoid that my cooking wouldn't be good enough, and of course, they ate it, had seconds and then tried more. I am so insecure, and my problems are in my head, and not in my life. So that is embarrassing and challenging. Though today I left a situation as I was in the bush and a guy came on a motor bike and he was watching me, so I took the dog and drove off and went to a more populated area. I think that was actually a reasonable choice. So I am learning how to be in the world. Self Compassion is my friend, and makes me more able to be present in the day. It is a profound practice, and when I do it, it does change things for me. I am overwhelmed at the moment, as I am doing so much for my healing and recovery. All necessary though.
 
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At times I slip a bit with these practices - and I do suffer for it - it drags me back. I am trying to learn to have these skills out in the world now, and that is not easy. I am doing better overall. I have improved so much. Without Self Compassion Breaks and the practices of Self Compassion I would never have made the recovery that I have made.
 
When I started to do self compassion I had strong, solid visceral reactions of suicidal idea...

I'm so glad you are breaking through this, it is a tough nut to crack, I agree. I bought a book once that talks about saying "I love myself" a lot to oneself and I have taken to doing that when I remember to do so. I bought the book for my niece too, as she is cPTSD as am I, and we both, I think, have benefited from it.

The book is entitled:

Dead Link Removed
by Ravikant, Kamal

It was a bestseller and he has written other books too.
 
Thanks @SheilaKathy I will look into that at some point. The Kristin Neff website really works for me, so I am working with that at the moment. I am glad you found something so helpful for you.
 
Disco Dancing Queen, thanks for sharing about your ongoing work. The positive steps sound really good, and I'll look up those ideas myself too. I relate to all of your current experiences, it can be a tough road sometimes. :hug: I have no doubt that in time you will improve. You are learning, experimenting, trying...and that will all accumulate. Its really hard but we need patience. :)

I have been doing 'Headspace' now for over three years. I do it every day now but it took a few years to get that routine. I'm also really feeling the benefit, but again it has taken a few years before I feel any 'better'.

Much love. :):hug:
 
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