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The talk..

Discussion in 'Supporter (Anonymous)' started by Hulece, Nov 11, 2017.

  1. Paval

    Paval Anonymous

    With PTSD isn't an excuse it can be a physical impossibility. You have a physical reaction in the form of a panic attack that can literally freeze you in place no matter how desperately you try to get your limbs to move, or as someone else said, fall asleep. We don get a choice when we go into isolation mode. It is hard to explain to someone who doesn't have PTSD, but isolation is a symptom just like someone with the flu can run a fever. We can't everything is louder, more intense. so we have to get away from it. I have used this analogy before, I don't know if it helps, but it is the best way I can explain it. A loving relationship is like the sun. We need it we thrive on it, but to much and we get burned. Some people are more sensitive to the sun than others and burn easier, so they have to limit their time in the sun. Many people with PTSD can only handle so much, even when it is a huge positive in their life, without becoming overstimulated, so we have to take a break or we get the mental and emotional equivalent of a sun burn.

    Unfortunately, it leaves our supporters wondering what the hell happened because everything was great up until the moment we disappeared. Do we know how much havoc it causes for our supporters. Absolutely, and the guilt and shame it part of what make sit so hard to come back. We actually obsessively ruminate about it in a fit of self loathing, which leads to thoughts like, "I can't go back now, what I did to the other person was so awful and I am just going to end up causing them more pain and I hate myself for it so I deserve pain and to suffer alone because I don't deserve my supporter, I don't deserve happiness..."

    Sounds like his work is the distraction, not his reason for living. Otherwise his work life would be suffering as well. The first year in a relationship it is pretty easy deal with this stuff because you have the falling in love high, but when those chemicals die down and settle into a more mature love? That is when the problems start occurring.

    Being a supporter can't be easy and I can only imagine how confusing it must be. I know I do things that will never make sense to my spouse because they aren't logical reactions for someone without PTSD, but our trauma damaged brains don't give a shit that it isn't logical.
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  3. Nujo

    Nujo Anonymous

    Hi Pavel,

    Thank you for explaining. The sun story is a good one, thank you for that! I hope my husband comes home tonight. I wish I knew what to say to him, have you maybe any tips? I know I need to stay calm ( although from the inside i wanne scream at him;) He might want to have a divorce, and I am sure that's not what he really wants.

    me and his family are really consurned about him, as he dont have anyone besides me and his parents...
    Rain likes this.
  4. Imezo

    Imezo Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing, Paval. It's really helpful.

    Is there anything we, the supporters or ex-supporters, can do to combat this and make it feel safe to come back? Or is it solely the responsibility of the sufferer to break through those limiting beliefs (or not), or wait for the those intense feelings of guilt and shame to decrease in strength (or not)?
    jellyfish, Rain and +littlebird like this.
  5. Imezo

    Imezo Anonymous

    I ask the above because I know my ex struggles with self-worth, and her perception of herself is not at all aligned with the amazing woman she is in reality.

    When she broke up with me she said, "This has nothing to do with you. You're perfect (etc. etc.)... and you seem to really care about me for some reason."

    "For some reason?" This was really shocking to hear. There was nothing ever confusing about my love for her while we were dating, but at what was clearly her lowest point she seemed to be unable to fathom how I could care about her.

    If there was nothing I could say to her then to make her understand why I love her, I don't see how there is anything I could say or do now to make her realize I don't judge her or hate her for what happened (beyond sending her a recent message to assure her that everything I said it in the past still stands to this day). But I'd be open to hearing about anything that I should be doing. Right now I am mostly just focusing on taking care of myself and giving her all of the space in the world and allowing her to simply be who she is, pain and all. Of course, it is my hope that she is taking an active role in her healing at the same time, but I have no idea.
    Rain likes this.
  6. Fivel

    Fivel Anonymous

    What can someone do for you when you have the stomach flu to make you stop throwing up and feel better enough to go to work? Or if you've drug yourself to work and are walking zombie like to bed, to give you enough energy to stay awake and feel happy/healthy/alert enough to not go straight to bed but <fill in 1,000 different possibilities here> with you?

    Not a lot, right? Mostly, just understanding that you're sick as a dog right at the moment, and you're are not pale/sweaty/shaky because they disgust you, and you're not avoiding them because you hate them, and no matter how lovingly they made your favorite food -or how much time they spent on it- that you don't want to eat it says nothing about how much you don't value and respect them, that your being sick isn't something you can make stop happening just because you don't *want* to be sick (if you really loved me, you wouldn't be sick! Take some responsibility!), and that going to work doesn't mean you actually feel all better now.

    Et cetera.

    Except extend it. Instead of a week with the stomach flu, a lifelong disorder. Extending in stages can be easier, mentally. Like from stomach flu, to being pregnant, to having cancer, to lifelong disorder. With anything long term? There will be good days and bad days. Good months and bad months. Good years and bad years. That aren't your fault, or theirs. Like you wouldn't take a pregnant woman's morning sickness or moodiness personally, right? Or someone with cancer being too tired to do holiday festivities this year, (or if they try they might very well have to leave early, and spend a couple days recovering, and be all cranky about it) is understandable, right?

    Having the stomach flu, being pregnant, having PTSD et cetera is not a license to be an asshole. While rage is common with hormone swings in pregnancy? If a pregnant woman picks up a bat and starts beating you, you don't say "Oh! She's just pregnant! So physical abuse is okay!" Same with PTSD.

    So it's a bit of a fine line to walk... The difference between understanding what is the disorder, what is the person dealing with the disorder... & What any of us is willing to accept in our lives.
  7. Osizo

    Osizo Anonymous


    He want to divorce... he told me he dont love me and dont see a future with me.. he cried and sometimes act with no emotion. He want to put his job on number 1. As he is busy with a course if he dont make it he will lose his job
    But well... he still wants me in his life. As he said i am the only one who really know him.

    But well.... not sure if i want to stay in touche as he broke my heart.
    Rain likes this.
  8. Ezej

    Ezej Anonymous

    I am so sorry, I was really hoping to hear better news. There are a lot of supporters who still come here for support even after the relationship is over. Please, please be gentle with your self and take care of yourself.
    Mytime, Rain, Marije and 1 other person like this.
  9. Fime

    Fime Anonymous

    I'm sorry. It's totally up to you to decide whether you want to be in his life or not at this point. Whatever you decide is best for you is okay.

    It's okay to decide that you can't. It's okay for you to decide that you can. I kniw that isn't very helpful, but I'm trying to stress that what you need is the right choice for you.

    He likely can't see a future with anyone, not you. That's pretty normal for PTSD. So please don't feel like you did anything wrong to habe him say that. We all have such a tendency to blame ourselves. Try not to.

    Take time to grieve. It's okay to feel what you're feeling. (Hugs) if you accept them.
    Rain, Buttercup and Marije like this.
  10. Osizo

    Osizo Anonymous

    Hi Fime

    Yes although he blames me (he says he dont trust me dont see a future ect) i know deep down inside its not me.
    But he gave such mixed feelings last night.

    One side he says he sees no future together on the other hand he text me after the talk tha he really hopes i want to keep in touch with him and that i am the only one who really knows him and where he can cry and talk about his traumas... (and he did cry last night)
    So its confussing for me ( push pull effect??)
    I have to live my life without him although i havr a feeling he will pop up.. ( he is busy with a sergeant course which bring him loads of stress and he is scarrd that he willl not make it and lose his job in 2019) so i think our discossion that we had why he left was the cup that was to much...
    Rain and mumstheword like this.
  11. Sirud

    Sirud Anonymous

    I agree with you Osizo, he will pop up again. Take your time thinking about what you will do when he does. If you decide to work on it with him, I suggest to take things slowly and as calmly for you as possible.

    It all gets emotionally draining and dramatic. It's good if you can keep your head and your calm about it.
    Rain and Marije like this.
  12. Nipo

    Nipo Anonymous

    Did he *actually* blame you, or did he say he doesn't trust you & doesn't see a future?

    Because both of those things are PTSD symptoms. As is temporarily not being able to feel emotions, like love.

    Sometimes sufferers blame the person in front of them, thinking it's the other persons fault that they're not trusted, or that they cant see a future with them, or they "don't love them anymore". Live with this disorder long enough, though, and one learns it's not the other person. It's yourself. Of course you can't see being married 10 (or 50) more years, if you can't see next week! Same, if you can't trust anyone, that's your own trust issues, not the person in front of you being untrustworthy. And if all of your emotions are shut off, that includes love for the people you love best. But these things, and others, take time to learn. If you're lucky, someone -therapist, army buddy, etc.- tells you these things AND you believe them. If you're unlucky, you learn by losing everything, then having your symptoms ease off, lose everything again, symptoms ease off, over & over until it's really obvious that it's us. Not other people. And that there are things we can do to deal with those symptoms.

    I say the above not to give you hope, but so that you can know it really isn't you. It's a brutal disorder. And it's not your fault.

    AND because understanding that can also help explain the mixed signals.
    Rain, Marije and mumstheword like this.
  13. Nujo

    Nujo Anonymous

    Well it feels like blaming me, as it's all becasue of me that he want to divorce....... And I could not change his mind about the no future thing...He did not want to go to relationship therapy, because as he said WHAT IF it dont work out.... All togheter he was only negative about everything...But as I read it's kinda normal for someone with PTSD to not see a future, and how you explain it that does make scense....

    And I do believe he dont want this but ...well cant handle it all togehter( relationship/study) .....
    But im broken, as I know he mad this ''choice''....
    And I think he dont really realize what he is doing to us now:(

    I guess the realization what he is doing must hit him..
    And it looks for now that he is really really deep in his PTSD modus....
    Rain likes this.
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