I'm in a dangerous cycle. Start having symptoms -> take drugs -> lose control -> start having symptoms. After past experiences of sexual attacks/abuse, I like to be numb. Drugs, alcohol, marijuana, whatever. I'll take anything when I start feeling down/wake up from a nightmare/need to escape from myself.
This weekend was by far the worst experience I've had with this in a while. I genuinely don't know if I was raped or not after partying too hard and drinking too much. I also genuinely don't care anymore. I mean, I don't see what that knowledge is going to do to help me. What do I get? Another inconclusive rape kit? More people telling me "if you hadn't done x, it wouldn't have happened?" I am so terrified that I don't care. It's just another part of life at this point.
I don't know what to do. I think that what bothers me most is how numb I am to sexual assault. This whole "meh..whatever. I'll get over it someday" attitude that I have toward being violated makes me feel like I'm too sick to ever recover. When I start feeling the pain of past experiences, I'll take more drugs/drink a whole lot, and do the process all over again.
I don't feel like this coincides with PTSD symptoms. I'm angry that I have the flashbacks and nightmares and none of the desire to avoid people. Everything I'm feeling feels wrong, but so does feeling anything. (if that makes any sense at all.)
I feel like I've given up. I can't trust anyone. Everything feels hopeless. Sometimes, the best future I can imagine for myself is one in which I just never wake up.
This weekend was by far the worst experience I've had with this in a while. I genuinely don't know if I was raped or not after partying too hard and drinking too much. I also genuinely don't care anymore. I mean, I don't see what that knowledge is going to do to help me. What do I get? Another inconclusive rape kit? More people telling me "if you hadn't done x, it wouldn't have happened?" I am so terrified that I don't care. It's just another part of life at this point.
I don't know what to do. I think that what bothers me most is how numb I am to sexual assault. This whole "meh..whatever. I'll get over it someday" attitude that I have toward being violated makes me feel like I'm too sick to ever recover. When I start feeling the pain of past experiences, I'll take more drugs/drink a whole lot, and do the process all over again.
I don't feel like this coincides with PTSD symptoms. I'm angry that I have the flashbacks and nightmares and none of the desire to avoid people. Everything I'm feeling feels wrong, but so does feeling anything. (if that makes any sense at all.)
I feel like I've given up. I can't trust anyone. Everything feels hopeless. Sometimes, the best future I can imagine for myself is one in which I just never wake up.