• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

The Truth Is, I Only Like Being Out Of Control Of My Body.

Status
Not open for further replies.

AndieElle

New Here
I'm in a dangerous cycle. Start having symptoms -> take drugs -> lose control -> start having symptoms. After past experiences of sexual attacks/abuse, I like to be numb. Drugs, alcohol, marijuana, whatever. I'll take anything when I start feeling down/wake up from a nightmare/need to escape from myself.

This weekend was by far the worst experience I've had with this in a while. I genuinely don't know if I was raped or not after partying too hard and drinking too much. I also genuinely don't care anymore. I mean, I don't see what that knowledge is going to do to help me. What do I get? Another inconclusive rape kit? More people telling me "if you hadn't done x, it wouldn't have happened?" I am so terrified that I don't care. It's just another part of life at this point.

I don't know what to do. I think that what bothers me most is how numb I am to sexual assault. This whole "meh..whatever. I'll get over it someday" attitude that I have toward being violated makes me feel like I'm too sick to ever recover. When I start feeling the pain of past experiences, I'll take more drugs/drink a whole lot, and do the process all over again.

I don't feel like this coincides with PTSD symptoms. I'm angry that I have the flashbacks and nightmares and none of the desire to avoid people. Everything I'm feeling feels wrong, but so does feeling anything. (if that makes any sense at all.)

I feel like I've given up. I can't trust anyone. Everything feels hopeless. Sometimes, the best future I can imagine for myself is one in which I just never wake up.
 
I don't feel like this coincides with PTSD symptoms... Everything I'm feeling feels wrong

I'm so sorry your hurting so much right now. One thing about PTSD is that it looks different for everyone. Take some time and look around the forum and you will see how we all experience PTSD differently.

I truly believe that how you are feeling right now is right for YOU right now. Being abused can take away your confidence in trusting yourself in how you feel.

Do you have a therapist who can help guide you through some of this?

Another thing this forum has is lots of people that have felt that life isn't worth living. There is lots of support on how to navigate through these rough times. Just look around and ask questions.

I don't want to sound like I am lecturing but I do hope that you get some help. It seems to me that you are struggling to cope on your own.

You can do this. Maybe just one minute at a time but you can do this.
 
Hi AE

Welcome. I hope you find some hope here on the forum. I found the wiki very helpful in understanding why I was feeling the way I was. I also realized that there were other options for helping me by chatting and posting threads. There is a whole lot of experienced and helpful people here. Best wishes.

TB
 
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Just know you are not alone. I have been in that same boat and I am in it right now. There is another site you should look into, it is called mysexabuse.com. I belong to both pages. You should check it out.

Anyways, I totally relate to you with your whole processes of dealing with all this. Just a few years ago I decided to stop doing drugs. I can successfully say that I haven't had any drugs in a few years but I still find myself constantly wanting to go back to them. To escape. To go into a different world. To just be numb so I don't have to feel a thing.

I can also relate to not caring anymore and just being numb to the whole aspect of being attacked and raped time and time again. I can talk about my past like I would anything else; in a casual tone with no emotions. I realize that is not a good state to be in but honestly, I am terrified of when the time comes that I start getting emotional over it. When that happens that means we are healing and working through it, but that part terrifies me.

But that is one great thing about this site. There are real people here who can relate and know exactly how you feel (or don't feel). This gives us hope to keep moving on.
 
Thank y'all so much. I would love to find a therapist, the only thing that scares me is my inability to trust people. I've never looked someone in the face and let them know every honest thing about me. Even knowing everything I do about HIPAA/privacy laws, the idea of opening up to someone in person at all makes me nervous.
 
You don't have to open up right away. It took me over a year to open up to my therapist. I wouldn't let him call me by my first name for the first 6 months. It takes time. I still struggle with it and I've been in therapy 1 year and 4 months. It is the hardest thing I've ever done but it saved my life.
 
Could you please tell me what this means. Thanks

I certainly can! HIPAA is responsible for the privacy of individuals' health information.

There's a website that explains more, but sadly I guess I don't have enough posts yet to leave a link. If you're interested enough, I'm sure there's more information on the US department of human and health services website. Hope that helps!
 
HIPAA-Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. It is a set of rules that everyone that comes into contact with medical info has to follow to insure privacy of an individual.
 
I was terrified of going into therapy and opening up but my therapist has been wonderful and takes things at my pace and I find myself telling them things I didn't even know were there.

For years I kept everything locked away, I was (still am) terrified of emotions. I have become brilliant at building a great big imaginary wall to protect myself.

The first step is the worst.
 
HIPAA-Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. It is a set of rules that everyone that comes into contact with medical info has to follow to insure privacy of an individual.

Oops! I guess I didn't explain that very well... Thank you for helping!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top