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Childhood The ungrateful child of undeserving parents [the legal saga continues]

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Nyssa

Confident
Previously on "dirty families"

Nyssa was sexually abused by her father and her brother, who then abused many children around him. She pressed charges against them years ago. Her mother sided with the abusers. They were trialed in march. Her father was sentenced to 5 years for sexual assault, and acquitted of the rape charges, while her brother was found guilty on all charges and sentenced to 15 years of prison.

And now, this week's new episode

Thursday, I received a letter summonsing me to court at the request of my father. I spent the night wondering what it was about. It turns out he and my mother have filed a request to revoke the donation of their house.

** Boring details on this donation **

15 years ago, my parents have donated part of their house to my brother and I. The notarized agreement stated that they would keep the usufruct of their house and that we would own the house when they died without having to pay taxes. I knew I had signed some agreement of the sort back when I was living in denial, but I hadn't really understood it at the time. From what I remembered, they had donated only part of their house and we would have to sign another agreement later on. A few years ago, I wrote to the clerk to ask for a copy of that agreement and tell him I did not want to be part of any donation anymore. He never answered and I left things there.

** end of the boring details **

I couldn't care less about this donation. I don't want anything from them, and I plan to refuse their inheritance when they die. But the law stipulates that a donation can not be revoked unless the beneficiary has been "ungrateful" to the donor in one of the three following ways : (1) the beneficiary has made an attempt on the donor's life, (2) he or she had committed crimes, inflicted serious abuse or proclaim serious insults against the donor, or (3) he or she has denied to provide care to the donor when he was legally obliged to. The revocation has to be pronounced in a court of law. Hence the summons.

In a 11-page long document I received yesterday, my parents' lawyer argue that I was ungrateful to my generous donors... because I accused my father of sexual assaults and insulted him in the process, calling him a disgusting pig and other pretty names. The argument is not even based on the fact that my father was acquitted of the rape charges, as he claims to be innocent of the sexual assaults for which he was convicted. It says I blatantly insulted my father by accusing him of crimes he was found guilty of. Since I pressed charges, my parents life have become a living hell. And now because of me, my poor mother is all alone. Finally, they ask me to pay them 2000 € to cover their legal expenses.

I am in owe.

At first, I felt outraged to be cast as the bad guy again. And then I wondered : am I grateful to them? No, I am not. Nor should I. So be it, I am ungrateful to my undeserving parents. It would actually be kind of awesome to have it officially declared by a court of law.

And tonight's special episode

Thanks to the trial, I reconnected with two of my cousins (I had cut ties with the entire family). I called one of them today. She told me that my father just wrote a rather staggering letter to one of his brothers.

He says he forgives everyone in the family. He forgives me. And he hopes to live long enough to be able to enjoy a peaceful relationship with me.

I am stunned.

And scared. How could I ever be done with this man?

I have always been scared of him. For a short while after the trial, I thought I was free of that fear, at least for as long as he would remain in prison. But when I received the summons this week, my fear of him instantly came back. And now, I am back to wondering what comes next.

So he can scare me even from prison. This is depressing.
 
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I have several legal options :

1) Do absolutely nothing
2) Write a document clarifying my stance (= I don't care about the donation but I am not the bad guy, I am rightfully ungrateful)
3) Write that document and send my lawyer to court on the appointed day
4) Write that document and go to court myself
5) Write nothing and just go to court and see

I won't be sending my lawyer to court. Too expensive, not worth it.

I have to admit I am sort of curious of what they will have to say in court, and that makes me want to go myself. But I know it is bad and unhealthy idea.

All I want is not to pay the 2000 € for their legal expenses. I am told it is pretty standard to pay the winner's fees in these civil cases. I don't know what are their chances to win. I did insult my father and serious insults are a cause of revocation. Anyway, I don't want to fight this, it makes no sense to me.

My lawyer advised me to say that I agree with the revocation. I do not disagree to the revocation but I can not agree to being cast as the evil daughter ruining the life of her good parents. So I would have to make that clear, and argue that considering the reasons why I am ungrateful, it would be unfair to make me pay my parents legal fees. This would be option 2). I would have to pay my lawyer for that letter (he has to be the one sending it), less than 2000€ though.

And I am thinking : isn't option 1) better after all? I just refuse to engage in their bullshit, and see what happens. I think it is better for my mental health. I just don't know if it increases my chances to pay the 2000 €.
 
I don't know the legal system there, so maybe this isn't an option. Can you just give them their 'gift' back? No court, no 'admission of being the bad guy'? Just "you thought I wanted this? Heck no !" Since you don't want it anyway, can you just avoid the whole court thing (and the chance of having spend money paying their legal fees) by rejecting the 'gift'?

I suspect they'll lose anyway, if you can tell your side of things. You sure aren't 'the bad guy' here. I hope the rest of your family can see your father for what he actually is.
 
Unfortunately, no, I can not just give them their gift back. I accepted it 15 years ago. So now it is not enough for me to say I don't want it anymore to revoke the donation. It has to be a court decision, on the ground of my ungratefulness...

I think I can admit to not being grateful to my abusive parents without admitting to being a dishonorable person.

Most of my extended family has a hard time seeing my father as the crazy pervert he is. I don't really care anymore. I am not sure how, but the trial really helped me with that.

Thank you for telling me I am not the bad guy. I know I am not, but it is always good to hear it. Part of me does see my ungratefulness as a moral sin. It makes me mad that I do, but I guess it is just what happens when one transgresses a cultural value ("honor your father and mother").
 
Part of me does see my ungratefulness as a moral sin.
I hope you get the chance, in court, one more time, to clarify what, exactly, you're 'ungrateful' for.

Your right, blaming ourselves seems to be the default way to go. But, I think somewhere in "honor thy father and mother" is some thought that they also must honor their children. Perhaps speaking the truth, as you've done, is 'honor' enough.

Good luck, and know that a bunch of us, here, are on your side. :hug:
 
I think I can admit to not being grateful to my abusive parents without admitting to being a dishonorable person.

I wonder if this isn't the best option in terms of mental health. It seems as though your parents are attempting to engage and wound you, which is absolute bullshit, so I completely understand not wanting to engage at all. And yet, remaining silent seems to confirm the outrageous falsehoods being leveled at you, the abused child.

5) Write nothing and just go to court and see

I see this as being the very worst option for you, or any of us that have lived through sexual abuse, which I have. This is a horrible situation and so (insert as many expletives as possible) unfair. Which ever legal option you decide to take, please be gentle with yourself. You've every right, morally and otherwise to be ungrateful.
 
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