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The venting of an infantryman

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MP7

So, I am Uber depressed. I’m a Infantry combat vet 6 Year’s out of active duty and still can’t adjust. I don’t feel like I have a mission to keep me going. I used to be an athlete and I trained for the game. I was a Soldier and I trained for war.

Now I can’t seem to get it together. I’ve been faking it for a long long time and everyonce in a while I just shut down. I’m there now and those episodes are getting more frequent. I spoke with a mental health therapist with the VA and while applying for an increase read her notes... Fukk that women. I’m so pissed off at her interpretation of my thoughts and answers I’ve lost faith in the VA mental health system. My grunt brothers will understand this, but i want to throat punch those pretentious *insert imagitive expletive*.

Now I feel like I can’t trust anyone, at all. To increase the fukkedupness, I have 4 kids under 7, wife, new house, stressful job, debt I can’t get out of, I don’t like people but fake like I do so as to appear normal, prefer alcohol as my medication of choice (no it has not interfered with any of the aforementioned but acts more as a balm... so far), am broke as shit physically from multiple surgeries while on AD even though I retain all my limbs, gained freaking 75# post service, and i decided to use my Post 9/11 for a PhD... WTF?!?!

Not expecting a response and don’t recommend to me to read any books about stress cups. Your a toad if you do and obviously don’t understand (you pretentious fool who assumes they know something about this because they went to school and got a piece of paper that says you do. Bah I got 3, does that make me smarter than you? Yeah combat arms guys are mean when faced with false, entitled arrogance. I know.).

Just tired of being labeled a victim or weak in polite terms from a field of people I’ve come to distrust. Just needed to vent...
 
Yeah, having motivation troubles now... like nothing’s really worth it... I’d kick my own butt for this if I could but don’t have the motivation to move. Wtf right?!
 
So I get that the counselor sucked...but you might find some groups hosted at the VA that are people in the same boat as you. Some have a therapist there. Some dont. Either way it's a toads not allowed place

And thought on the notes....could they have been written that way to push the increase? Mine got pretty creative with her wording

And seriously. All that stress? WTH? Of course you need to vent. Luckily you've come to the right place

Oh! If you are on Facebook check out disgruntled vets and disgruntled underground. Underground is a closed group and is fabulous. Only active or vets allowed...cause y'know if it's public you have to watch what you say
 
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Replace your mission??? Find a cause, activity or purpose to fill the gap/hole that the mission had filled that can add value, purpose and meaningfulness to your life.

"nothing’s really worth it" sounds like the depressive aspect is kicking your ass at the moment. What you doing for depression management?
 
Hey! As a vet myself I TOTALLY get the feeling of not having much meaning in life. You had a job that had a ton of meaning which is hard to replace. There are some new people that can help fill that need though - your wife and children. I realize having a job with meaning would be great and I'm not sure it is recommended for someone with PTSD but have you considered police force, firefighter, or EMS? I wish I could fill a role again with as much meaning as when I served as well. It's a tough need to fill in the civilian world. Great advice in this thread though...find something to train for! It will help you focus on something other than the pain.
 
Hey! As a vet myself I TOTALLY get the feeling of not having much meaning in life. You had a job that h...
I like the first responder job as it sounds great with having a new focus, but the pay is terrible... and while I could perform in short burst... I’m 80% VA and most is physical stuff. Knees, back, feet, shoulder. Surgeries on all of them. I remember the VA doc diagnosing me with degenerative arthritis at 35. I was severely depressed for about a week and drank my evenings to sleep. The whole invincible thing went right out the window with that diagnosis. Been trying to find myself since then...
 
I know you're not a fan of the VA right now but my guy worked there for a year and he loved it. He did the work / therapy program. He worked full time and was able to do his therapy and group therapy while on the clock. And he was able to help veterans who deserved the best care possible. And he didn't disappoint them. He made wonderful connections. Just a thought...
 
MP7, I'm not active duty or a veteran, so I'm not going to pretend to understand your experiences. I help train police and military for CQC/DAAT, and teach martial arts as well as a women's self defense class. I have seen PTSD in SO many people (including myself). There is something different about those who were active duty.

Your story reminds me of a man we've had at our school for the last 18 months. He is a marine, and was planning on actively serving until retirement. He went in for a routine hernia surgery, the nicked a nerve, and suddenly the rest of his life is going to be walking with a brace and cane because his leg is half paralyzed, unremitting pain that has resulted in an internal pain pump being placed, and yanking away his purpose. He has a wife and three kids. After he got home, he got depressed. Self medicated with alcohol. Then the PTSD started (from combat) to rear it's ugly head. He went to the VA. They've done OK as far as treating his physical pain, but the PTSD is a whole different story.

He's found a tiny bit of purpose at the school. He will never have pretty kicks or be able to leap into the air, but he's got fast hands and we've taught him how to use his cane as a very effective weapon. But that's not the purpose he's found. What he can do that nobody else can match him on is working with the kids with emotional problems. He dries up tears and quiets rage and calms fear better than anyone I've ever seen, and I've been there for 22 years. We depend on his presence, as do the parents and kids. Word has spread that there is help to be found.

The point? He walked in the door because he wanted to find an outlet for his oldest daughter's excess energy. He wast expecting or even hoping to gain anything for himself. But he he has. I'm not saying "it will happen when you least expect it" or any of that crap. I'm saying purpose doesn't always come from an expected place. I don't know that you'll ever find a purpose as motivating as what you once had, but I do think you will find something that makes you feel like you are doing something worth doing.

As for Venting? Keep doing it. Nobody is perfect and if you hang around here I'm positive you're going to encounter replies that are useless to you (maybe even this one) but I also guarantee you you're going to find understanding and willing listeners and perspectives and insight that you might not find on your own. And being heard and understood does help.

I hope you stick around. But even if you don't, thank you for entrusting us with some of your feelings and fruatrations.
 
Sorry to hear about your situation. You have a lot on your plate that would stress out anyone, let alone someone who also has
to combat PTSD. I've seen a lot of different people over the years for help with PTSD, and most don't seem to get it, or worse
get off on the power imbalance of client/patient vs therapist/doctor. That said, it is possible that the person you saw goosed up
your symptoms so to speak to help get you the increase. But only you can judge. Still, most therapists I've seen
don't really seem to get PTSD, and that the latest research shows that somatic treatments are the most helpful, not just sitting there
talking.

I've not seen combat, but I've been forced to deal with family members and others that have created combat like situations:
guns, knives, using cars as weapons, physical attacks, acting berserk,etc. Once that happened enough, my brain become
wired for dealing with those kinds of situations. I imagine combat makes this kind of thing many more times intense. Also the thing
about having physical disability makes getting in peak physical condition for what your body can tolerate, far more
challenging. Added to the kind of pressure you're under financially, most therapists are going to have a hard time getting where
you're at unless they've experienced the same kind of thing: combat, PTSD, intense financial stress, physical disability. Just
keep looking though, there are some out there who are down to earth, empathetic and who do get what PTSD does to you.
It's vital to get support from people who really get what you're going through. And also just being around people who are
positive and accept you.

I get why you choose drinking, it's always been my favorite go to self medication, which has caused me a lot of additional
problems on top of the PTSD. Just in case it might be helpful, the only thing I've found that really helps: EMDR, eating
very clean (I try to be mostly Paleo, which helps a ton, but I do find it hard to stick to), zero rec drugs, coffee (yes coffee)
alcohol, and getting in the best shape my body can be (I've been in 3 car accidents and a poor outcome from reconstructive surgery,
so I'm limited to swimming walking, lifting and yoga). And staying away from people with drama fueled lives (or limiting time
if family). And of course lots of quality sleep. It's all a big tangled ball you have to keep hacking away at, as they all influence
each other either positively or negatively.

Easier said than done. What I've been doing is playing motivational videos from Youtube. If they are too preachy, boot strappy,
or new agey, I just keep going until I can find one I can relate to. I get my to do list out , and struggle through it.
It's messy, I fail. A lot. I feel like giving up. But then I keep listening and something will get through.
Sometimes I even go to sleep with those videos streaming positive motivation to me as I drift off to sleep.
And I keep going because I don't like the way my life looks now.
Some have saved my life. Just thought I'd pass that along in case it may be of some
help. A lot of those video clips are done by people who are either in the armed services or are vets, so maybe it's relatable
Wishing you the best. Good luck!
 
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