Ava Jarvis
MyPTSD Pro
So therapy -- and I have so little energy right now because I'm exhausted; 50 miles to an appointment and 50 miles back is exhausting -- and like my therapist says that I have a lot of coping skills and that I'll probably be ready for EMDR sooner than I think.
And I was like, "wha? How. Everybody says I have the poorest composure and the least ability to cope with life, and that as a result I didn't deserve to be promoted or, in the end, have a job."
And my therapist listed out the things that I do and am capable of doing and have, indeed, demonstrated to him without knowing. I forget the list. But it was not a list I could argue with because it was all true stuff.
Huh.
Afterwards I talked with my friend (who is physically disabled) and they said that of all the people they knew, I (a) had the most awful things to cope with, but (b) coped better than almost anybody else they knew.
Huh.
I don't know if that says awful things about how much I have to cope with that to the naive onlooker I am horribly mentally disorganized, or if it says awful things about me that I wasn't able to cope well enough to meet society's standards.
Like, other friends I've had who weren't disabled in any way ... They all said I was a sad sack of a human being. That I was both pathetic and stupid and should be grateful of what crumbs Amazon or they threw my way. That if I weren't so technically gifted that they wouldn't have bothered being friends with me or caring about my fate.
I had a manger once say to my face that the only reason I was allowed to have FMLA intermittent leave was because I was exceptional, and when I stopped being exceptional...
Sigh.
I think I am doing fine on the coping thing. I learn more coping methods every day and learn to better them all the while. I won't rest on my laurels or anything. I want to get better or at least... Get to a point where I can run a small single-person business.
Ok I ran out of thoughts that I stored up in my brain. I cannot make new thoughts at the moment. I go collapse now.
And I was like, "wha? How. Everybody says I have the poorest composure and the least ability to cope with life, and that as a result I didn't deserve to be promoted or, in the end, have a job."
And my therapist listed out the things that I do and am capable of doing and have, indeed, demonstrated to him without knowing. I forget the list. But it was not a list I could argue with because it was all true stuff.
Huh.
Afterwards I talked with my friend (who is physically disabled) and they said that of all the people they knew, I (a) had the most awful things to cope with, but (b) coped better than almost anybody else they knew.
Huh.
I don't know if that says awful things about how much I have to cope with that to the naive onlooker I am horribly mentally disorganized, or if it says awful things about me that I wasn't able to cope well enough to meet society's standards.
Like, other friends I've had who weren't disabled in any way ... They all said I was a sad sack of a human being. That I was both pathetic and stupid and should be grateful of what crumbs Amazon or they threw my way. That if I weren't so technically gifted that they wouldn't have bothered being friends with me or caring about my fate.
I had a manger once say to my face that the only reason I was allowed to have FMLA intermittent leave was because I was exceptional, and when I stopped being exceptional...
Sigh.
I think I am doing fine on the coping thing. I learn more coping methods every day and learn to better them all the while. I won't rest on my laurels or anything. I want to get better or at least... Get to a point where I can run a small single-person business.
Ok I ran out of thoughts that I stored up in my brain. I cannot make new thoughts at the moment. I go collapse now.