JEKBreatheandBelieve
MyPTSD Pro
To start off with, I will state that I also have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and that is important to remember in my tale.
I went to therapy today, not feeling too great emotionally or physically. It's hard to tell sometimes whether the physical ailments are all related to trauma and emotions, but that's another issue to sort out.
I've made a lot of progress in the last several months. Progress that made me feel stable and strong for a couple of blessed months. And then I started to uncover details about the repressed traumas that my DID parts hold. I didn't really meant to at least not how I did. I wanted to find evidence, but planned to take it a littler slower than I did. I saw a picture and it brought back a flood of feelings, memories, and questions.
It also brought out a new part. This part is called "The Monster" because it is her job to "protect and defend everyone at all costs". She was out talking with my therapist today. I know only vague details of that conversation as I was not fully co-conscious during it or fully present when my therapist was summarizing.
Then, I got angry, an emotion which I am still learning to tolerate and so I switched again- to the part that handles anger for me. She talked to my therapist. I was mostly co-conscious for this. My part was straightforward and defensive when talking with my therapist. And then my therapist asked, why she was even out talking because it didn't seem like it was helping. That made my part (angry as she is, she is sensitive), feel unwanted and unloved. So she burst out of the room and out the door. She nearly slipped on the welcome mat, but kept going. I had no shoes and no coat and she sat in the driveway in front of my car. She was not bothered by the cold. She just knew enough not to keep going.
My therapist came out to find me sitting there. She gave me coat and shoes. She told me to put them on and came inside. When I (still as the angry one), did not comply, she repeated her request and said she'd be waiting inside for me and that I should come it. It was too cold outside.
I couldn't make myself move even when I started to re-gain control. I was utterly embarrassed. How could I go back in and face my therapist after that. But I have a part that helps me do the things I am supposed to do even though that part does not like to be near people. She put on the shoes and coat and went inside.
My therapist drew her a rainbow and eventually I came back. I told my therapist I was very embarrassed and she reassured me that it was okay. That this was hard stuff. That she was there to support me. It was good to hear, but I am still so embarrassed. Anyone else have those moments when you feel like you can't return because what you just did in therapy was so embarrassing? (Actually I am pretty sure I know that answer, but I need some reassurance.)
I went to therapy today, not feeling too great emotionally or physically. It's hard to tell sometimes whether the physical ailments are all related to trauma and emotions, but that's another issue to sort out.
I've made a lot of progress in the last several months. Progress that made me feel stable and strong for a couple of blessed months. And then I started to uncover details about the repressed traumas that my DID parts hold. I didn't really meant to at least not how I did. I wanted to find evidence, but planned to take it a littler slower than I did. I saw a picture and it brought back a flood of feelings, memories, and questions.
It also brought out a new part. This part is called "The Monster" because it is her job to "protect and defend everyone at all costs". She was out talking with my therapist today. I know only vague details of that conversation as I was not fully co-conscious during it or fully present when my therapist was summarizing.
Then, I got angry, an emotion which I am still learning to tolerate and so I switched again- to the part that handles anger for me. She talked to my therapist. I was mostly co-conscious for this. My part was straightforward and defensive when talking with my therapist. And then my therapist asked, why she was even out talking because it didn't seem like it was helping. That made my part (angry as she is, she is sensitive), feel unwanted and unloved. So she burst out of the room and out the door. She nearly slipped on the welcome mat, but kept going. I had no shoes and no coat and she sat in the driveway in front of my car. She was not bothered by the cold. She just knew enough not to keep going.
My therapist came out to find me sitting there. She gave me coat and shoes. She told me to put them on and came inside. When I (still as the angry one), did not comply, she repeated her request and said she'd be waiting inside for me and that I should come it. It was too cold outside.
I couldn't make myself move even when I started to re-gain control. I was utterly embarrassed. How could I go back in and face my therapist after that. But I have a part that helps me do the things I am supposed to do even though that part does not like to be near people. She put on the shoes and coat and went inside.
My therapist drew her a rainbow and eventually I came back. I told my therapist I was very embarrassed and she reassured me that it was okay. That this was hard stuff. That she was there to support me. It was good to hear, but I am still so embarrassed. Anyone else have those moments when you feel like you can't return because what you just did in therapy was so embarrassing? (Actually I am pretty sure I know that answer, but I need some reassurance.)