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Therapy Embarrassment

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To start off with, I will state that I also have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and that is important to remember in my tale.

I went to therapy today, not feeling too great emotionally or physically. It's hard to tell sometimes whether the physical ailments are all related to trauma and emotions, but that's another issue to sort out.

I've made a lot of progress in the last several months. Progress that made me feel stable and strong for a couple of blessed months. And then I started to uncover details about the repressed traumas that my DID parts hold. I didn't really meant to at least not how I did. I wanted to find evidence, but planned to take it a littler slower than I did. I saw a picture and it brought back a flood of feelings, memories, and questions.

It also brought out a new part. This part is called "The Monster" because it is her job to "protect and defend everyone at all costs". She was out talking with my therapist today. I know only vague details of that conversation as I was not fully co-conscious during it or fully present when my therapist was summarizing.

Then, I got angry, an emotion which I am still learning to tolerate and so I switched again- to the part that handles anger for me. She talked to my therapist. I was mostly co-conscious for this. My part was straightforward and defensive when talking with my therapist. And then my therapist asked, why she was even out talking because it didn't seem like it was helping. That made my part (angry as she is, she is sensitive), feel unwanted and unloved. So she burst out of the room and out the door. She nearly slipped on the welcome mat, but kept going. I had no shoes and no coat and she sat in the driveway in front of my car. She was not bothered by the cold. She just knew enough not to keep going.

My therapist came out to find me sitting there. She gave me coat and shoes. She told me to put them on and came inside. When I (still as the angry one), did not comply, she repeated her request and said she'd be waiting inside for me and that I should come it. It was too cold outside.

I couldn't make myself move even when I started to re-gain control. I was utterly embarrassed. How could I go back in and face my therapist after that. But I have a part that helps me do the things I am supposed to do even though that part does not like to be near people. She put on the shoes and coat and went inside.

My therapist drew her a rainbow and eventually I came back. I told my therapist I was very embarrassed and she reassured me that it was okay. That this was hard stuff. That she was there to support me. It was good to hear, but I am still so embarrassed. Anyone else have those moments when you feel like you can't return because what you just did in therapy was so embarrassing? (Actually I am pretty sure I know that answer, but I need some reassurance.)
 
All the time.
The dissociation and flashbacks were just over the top and out of hand for a while. It made going back to therapy each time a special kind of torture since I don't really know what's going when that happens.

Rest assured that everyone, everywhere going through trauma therapy has days that just make them feel just horribly embarrassed.

Also, maybe I really do need more sleep because I read that as she "threw a rainbow" and I was actually going to ask how that worked.
*sigh*
 
Anyone else have those moments when you feel like you can't return because what you just did in therapy was so embarrassing?
Actually, I admire you not only for going back but for having that embarrassing moment in the first place. It means you are letting your defenses down enough to be vulnerable. That's what it looks like to me anyway, forgive me if I'm misunderstanding. I have to say "no" to your question - but don't panic, I'm sure there will be plenty of other people who will say "yes". It's just that I'm still too guarded to get into things that could embarrass me. Progress doesn't always look like you think it's going to.:confused:
 
Getting mad at your therapist is part of the process of healing. My T told me she used to freak out with her own T. Therapists have seen it all, and much much worse. Therapy is the very best place to fall apart and be mad. And to run out... and keep walking back in.
 
As for embarrassing stories - there was one time I was crying so hard I choked on my own snot. Um, yeah. Ok, so it is a different kind of embarrassment, but I thought it was over and I could never go back and face her. I did. I'm glad I did...

I've also stormed out before. I felt so dumb afterwards. But I went back. It was worth it then too.
 
My only dissociation involves totally shutting down and freezing. But I went to a therapy session once in the past completely black-out drunk. I don't know what I did between arriving there and waking up in the hospital. :notworthy: I was a little embarrassed to see my therapist again!

Glad you have good support and that you were also able to go back inside.
 
I've got one of those sessions coming, I sent her an email telling her exactly what has been going on in my head lately, including my thoughts about my relationship with her. I got a very gentle reply but I feel worse about next session than I did going back after disclosing my abuse, and I wanted to peel my own skin off after that one! I've since read what I wrote and feel utterly embarrassed and ashamed, but I know I'll turn up as usual, she'll be fine as usual and we'll work through it. But I feel your pain, it's horrible.
 
We never know what we will encounter at times , i remember my first real bout at Prolonged exposure therapy, i was flying to Australia a week later, and it sent me into a complete tailspin, i spent a lot of my time having trouble getting out of bed , i was a mess and none of my family could understand it, they had never seen me like that before. Yep i was embarrassed , but then, you know, we have enough weight to carry, we didnt choose to be abused , neglected and traumatized, so to hell with what people think. i just want to get better.

Sometimes shit really does happen :) , let it go and expend your energy on getting better, healing , i have had a couple of tailspins in therapy and i know all the staff in the center now , and yes they have witnessed it, but i relax and dont carry it , sometimes with some of the other staff , like the clerical staff , i make jokes and have polite conversation, and even they show their support when im down. Everybody has skeletons, everybody has secrets and we all have incidents were we have been embarrassed. Dont let it make you feel alone and isolated.
 
I had one just last week, I disassociate every week and my therapist has to write notes and send me via e-mail every week or I wouldn't have a clue what we talked about. Well after she rang the phone so many times to get me back in the room. I thought I was going to die like that day, well I got so upset my therapist and a support worker that had come for the first time to help me with some things to try and help me relax had to try and make me realise I wasn't going to die there and then. Over an hour later they had to help me to my car as I couldn't walk properly and they put me in the car to have a sleep while they keeped an eye on me as apart from hospital that was pretty much the only option. I felt so bad when I came back to myself I just thought what a loser I am :(

I think we can all tell similar tales from therapy.

I hope you are feeling better now.
 
Today is my youngest son's birthday. Today I am trying to focus on him and nothing else. I will wait until tomorrow and then I will probably still feel embarrassed when I go back to see my therapist. But maybe by then, it will feel okay. Thank you all for sharing your stories and your encouragement. It definitely helps to be reminded that I am not alone in this.
 
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