I'm trying to figure out how I'm allowing myself to go back into these horrible emotional places over and over - crying easily and losing my shit. So, I'm writing about my experience this evening to you all. I already wrote in my journal, and that got me to this point. I'm extremely triggered, angry as hell, feeling utter despair. I don't know how to make it better. And even worse, I saw it coming, but I didn't prevent it from getting bad. I felt the twinge of irritation when a few things didn't go my way in a row, but I kept pushing, as though I wanted to prod myself into an emotional state/point of no return. I have legitimate reasons to be angry, but I'm overcome with anger to the point of paralysis and dysfunction...just crying and crying, feeling bad about myself for crying, noticing that I'm f*cked up but unaware of how to not be. I'd rather be drunk than feeling this, but I'm not. I'd rather be high than feeling this, but I'm not going to. It's painful; I want to not feel it. My partner seems to care that I feel badly, he hugs me and tells me it'll be alright. Part of me likes that I'm feeling loved this way, but another part of me wants to flail my entire body - arms, legs, head, torso, everything - and rip through my surroundings like a tornado of rage. This is the part of me that gets so unf*ckingcontrollably angry and wants to senselessly destroy myself and everything around me so I don't have to feel this f*cking horrible pain. It hurts. It's not a way for anyone to feel. This is the part of me that breaks electronics and punches brick walls; the part of me that aims to self-destruct.
When I was writing in my journal, I tried writing down two ways of thinking - the part that aims to understand with loving kindness and the part that is angry, rigid, and controlling of myself. I couldn't organize my thoughts well enough to dichotomize the source of the mixed emotions; I was sucked in already. Sucked into the vortex of traumatic self-pity and agony. Now, I feel like I'm coming back out slowly, but I feel guilty. I can't look my partner in the eye yet. I feel ashamed that I behaved this way: crying uncontrollably and in deep pain over a few things not going my way. Regardless, he is understanding. Why can't I be more like him in the way I treat myself? If I try really hard, I can think this: I felt emotions coming on, I kept pushing them, and I got myself to a point where I was in major pain, getting sucked into the vortex of PTSD. That is such a horrible, torturous place to be in my head. I was in pain. Maybe my mind wants me to acknowledge that this pain is real, that it's okay to recognize it?
I don't know how to talk to myself nicely when I'm in this state. I don't know how to see myself, to compassionately check in with how I'm feeling, when I feel like that. I just want to grimace and moan and cry and thrash, so that is what I do. It's the only thing that truly feels "right" (or, familiar?). I want to create a new "familiar;" A new "right" way to feel/react when this sort of intensity comes on.
I still keep coming back to: The world is f*cked, I'm forever f*cked up, and it's affecting my ability to have a good life. It's not fair, and the unfairness of life makes me so angry that it's sometimes unbearable.
I ended up having a drink to calm down because I can't process this whole experience tonight. It's too much. I'm too overwhelmed.
When I was writing in my journal, I tried writing down two ways of thinking - the part that aims to understand with loving kindness and the part that is angry, rigid, and controlling of myself. I couldn't organize my thoughts well enough to dichotomize the source of the mixed emotions; I was sucked in already. Sucked into the vortex of traumatic self-pity and agony. Now, I feel like I'm coming back out slowly, but I feel guilty. I can't look my partner in the eye yet. I feel ashamed that I behaved this way: crying uncontrollably and in deep pain over a few things not going my way. Regardless, he is understanding. Why can't I be more like him in the way I treat myself? If I try really hard, I can think this: I felt emotions coming on, I kept pushing them, and I got myself to a point where I was in major pain, getting sucked into the vortex of PTSD. That is such a horrible, torturous place to be in my head. I was in pain. Maybe my mind wants me to acknowledge that this pain is real, that it's okay to recognize it?
I don't know how to talk to myself nicely when I'm in this state. I don't know how to see myself, to compassionately check in with how I'm feeling, when I feel like that. I just want to grimace and moan and cry and thrash, so that is what I do. It's the only thing that truly feels "right" (or, familiar?). I want to create a new "familiar;" A new "right" way to feel/react when this sort of intensity comes on.
I still keep coming back to: The world is f*cked, I'm forever f*cked up, and it's affecting my ability to have a good life. It's not fair, and the unfairness of life makes me so angry that it's sometimes unbearable.
I ended up having a drink to calm down because I can't process this whole experience tonight. It's too much. I'm too overwhelmed.