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This F#%*ing Hell Hole

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I have no energy left. No hope. No immediate plans to kill myself... Not even enough energy for that.

It's 3:40 pm and I've done NOTHING today. No, wait! I managed to put on a coat and get into my car. That's it. Sitting in car. Trying to figure out what to do next. Trying NOT to think about all the things I need to do.

I need help. I've said these words to some close family but... Nothing. I know the problem there... My family has different goals than I do (the goals I used to be passionate about & that I'm clinging to bc otherwise I have nothing driving me).

To be sure, they want me to be "better" but the road to getting there is vastly different in our minds so... I'm all alone.

Like really really alone. This site has been helpful beyond belief but you guys can't jump out of the screen, hold my hand and HELP me.

I abhor asking for help. But circumstances have pushed me toward it and to not get anything out of it after all that pillaging against it, that's hard.

"The only one who can help you is you"... But. I. Can't. Believe me, I've tried.
 
You feel like you can't. And helping yourself is tiring, and difficult and painful, and when it doesn't suck, it's unbearable.

Asking for help is a way of helping yourself. Expressing your frustrations coherently is a way of helping yourself. And it's much easier for me to be optimistic about you than to be optimistic about me.

I'm optimistic about you. You're saying the things that people say when they're about halfway down the road. When the problem stops being "how do I understand all this?" and it starts being "how do I keep going".

You can't see the way forward right now. Things change.
 
I really relate to this post. I can see things swirling down the drain these days, and the funny part is I don't really care. Day after gay goes by and I get nothing done.....and a voice reminds me that I have to pay the rent somehow. But somehow I can't get bothered about it. What's the worst that could happen? I hit the wall and there's no options left but suicide? So fu**ing what. Give me an excuse.

I don't know what to do anymore when the thought of getting thrown out of my place doesn't even fu**ing scare me anymore.
 
I said those exact words yesterday. "I need help". It freaked my loved ones out, they don't know how to help me and I couldn't help myself. I got sympathy, what I needed was empathy and direction. I know you're struggling but remember safety comes first, always. Make small safety agreements with yourself and even if all you do is breathe today. ..that's okay!
 
I said those exact words yesterday. "I need help". It freaked my loved ones out, they don't know how...
Just breathing all day is ok... Is it REALLY? Is that really the life you envisioned for yourself? Cuz I damn well didn't for mine.

I appreciate your response... Don't mean to be mean... Just feeling at the end of my rope
 
I just asked my sister for help. Like just now. Via text. Her response: "sure. What can I help with?"

I just burst out crying. Bc I DONT KNOW. If I knew, the battle Would be 3/4 won!

Going to talk to her face to face now. Let's see if I cry in front of her. I hate people seeing me cry. And if I do... Let's see how she responds.

Oh god, I don't want to hurt her
 
Just breathing all day is ok... Is it REALLY? Is that really the life you envisioned for yourself? Cuz I d...
I can relate to your frustration, honestly! No, just breathing isn't enough 99% of the time, but some days it's all I can muster. Best wishes, vibes, thoughts or prayers for your visit with your sister. :)
 
My heart goes out to you.

I would rather eat soap than ask for help. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Did I mention I really do not like asking for help?

I came to a breaking point too, where I finally had to do it. It wasn't well received at first. It was so painful. I wanted to give up. It took time, and several tries, to find people to ask for help from that were ready to hear me. Was it easy? no. Was it worth it? Yeah, it was.
Is that really the life you envisioned for yourself? Cuz I damn well didn't for mine.
This stubborn unwillingness to settle - use it. Just like you did to have the courage to ask your sister.

I'm so stinking glad your sister responded. I'm so glad you reached out to her. I hope that the time with her was helpful, and that relief and comfort was found. I hope that today you sleep a little easier and that you have a little more hope for the future.

I wish you were not in this horrible place, struggling with what has been taken, what has been lost. It's a horrible and tough place. I hope things get better for you soon.
 
"The only one who can help you is you"... But. I. Can't. Believe me, I've tried.
About 7 years ago I could have written this post. I have gotten used to receiving help these days.

I think you just help yourself. By calling your sister.

This society tells us that we need to be independent.....at all costs (as evidenced by that little saying quoted above). Many people buy into it. It just isn't true. Part of being human is helping others and another part is asking for help when necessary. Helping yourself by asking for help isn't in the 'manual' that society prints out today, but it is necessary for balance.

Hoping your meeting goes well today.
 
Thank you all for your compassionate responses... I know that unfortunately you've all been there & so it comes from a place of understanding and that's ubelievably soothing.

Had talk with sis... Pretty much read to her my original post on this thread (removing gory/scary things like suicide ect.). I cried. She handed me tissues and said all she can do is be there for me. Unless I have something in mind.

Was it helpful? Nah. Did it make me a bit angrier with her and the rest of my family? Yeh. Why are they not getting together as a cohesive group to try helping me???

We've done it for other siblings. Granted, the big difference is that the other issues were physical ailments while mine is mental... And I don't think they have a clue, or even want to attempt, figuring this out.

Pity party out
 
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