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This Is How I Experience Dissociation (in Parts) Input Okay

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chant2012

MyPTSD Pro
Post/Part 1- Bodily Dissociation

Really am wondering if other people experience great levels of disconnect in their body's and their surroundings?

I'm going to list some things I've been dealing with that I believe are dissociative in nature.

Bear in mind these examples that I've listed are not instances that happen constantly. I don't know why these things happen and why they only happen 40 - 70% of the time. And sometimes I can go for months with no dissociative episodes or symptoms and then other times it seems to be weeks to a couple months.

Examples:

•I have a difficult time knowing what I am thinking, wanting, saying, or needing. This is almost constant and is almost impossible for me to remember what I've been saying or what others have been saying, what I want need or am thinking. Most of the time I just draw a blank. This cause my BF so much frustration. He just doesn't get how I can "forget" or "not know what I am feeling, wanting, needing, etc" He then gets upset with me which makes it all worse.

•I can go days and not eat. Sometimes it's horrible and painful and I do it as punishment. But that's not really what I'm talking about right now. What I'm referring to is during other times where I can go literally 12+ hours (sometimes days) and not eat anything and drink very little and will be really surprised to find out it's been 12 or 24 hours since I last ate. I will have no idea how so much time has gone by and I haven't eaten. I sometimes get really dehydrated because I don't realize I'm thirsty or hungry. In fact most of the time I don't realize I am thirsty until I take a sip of water and then just start sucking it down like I've never tasted something like water. It's ridiculous. Or I won't realize I need to eat until I'm shaking, confused, dizzy, and/or passing out.

•Sometimes I won't know I'm cold or whatever, i just know I'm uncomfortable and maybe chilly. It's not until I cover up and get warmed up do I realize why I was so uncomfortable and that I was indeed very cold.

•And sometimes I might go literally 10+ hours without using the restroom because I don't realize I need to go.

In fact I have had 3 counts of bowel
incontinence in the last few months due to the fact that I am THAT unaware of my body and its needs. I guess I was thinking I only needed to pass gas and then IT happened. The bowel incontinence is so embarrassing. I have literally NO idea it's going to happen or that I even need to use the toilet.

•Sometimes during sexual intimacy I can't really feel much of anything like it's been dulled down or something and I have to fake it cuz it's like numb. But then other times I can O really easy and over and over.

It seems to go in distinct patterns, the dissociative issues I mean. I usually seem to have trauma recovery and memories and dissociative activity for like 1 - 3 months. Then it goes away making me think "I'm better". Only to come back exactly 1 year later (same time of year) and lasting for roughly the same duration.
 
Post/Part 2 - Amnesia

So, I have a question about amnesia. I guess I'm just asking about what exactly is amnesia and what "counts" as amnesia. I didn't think I experienced any amnesia but now I'm not so sure anymore.

For example(s):

Does having your memory "wiped clean" count as amnesia? Sometimes when I "remember" something from the past my brain scrambles and wipes itself clean taking with it all thoughts, feelings, etc.

What about being in the middle of a conversation, fully aware you've been speaking, but them suddenly being confused because you have no idea what you're talking about or what you've been saying?

Lastly when I think about my childhood, I swear I am remembering it fully and I can actively seek out memories from growing up and remember them with ease, but when someone asks me something specific about my childhood I may or may not be able to retrieve the memory to answer them. Sometimes, I am drawing blanks and really confused. I can't think of any examples or even how to better describe this other than I feel like I have no blank spots but then other times I feel like I can't recall or remember things and they seem fuzzy and unclear and sometimes even non-existent like my memories aren't real and like they're the "fake ones". But I know they're real.

I'm so confused.
 
Post/Part 3 - Multiple Relaities

Does anyone have the feeling of having multiple realities all at once?

I seem to and I don't know how to explain it to my BF. He gets so mad at me and calls me a liar and it gets us into lotsa troubles.

Cuz a lot of times I DO have problems saying things that are untrue. I lie a lot. Idk why, but I am not even sure if they were/are really all lies anymore.

I mean, I know I do lie. I flat up lie sometimes. But looking back some (perhaps many) of those times now actually seem like maybe they weren't really lies at all (at least not fully) but were actually me switching and not even knowing it and was thus thinking that it was "me" who was talking when it really wasn't, at least not entirely, as I am about always present and in front and control.

I have always just thought, "Oh that's just me being flaky and indecisive."

Or "That's me being moody." etc.

But what if it wasn't? What if I just didn't realize what was happening!!!

The other thing I struggle with (and have wondered how other people deal with so please feel free to share your experiences) is being angry and confused.

It's really difficult to feel one way "a bit earlier" and have it be 100% true, and yet an hour or even minutes later say something completely opposite.

It leaves me extremely confused and disoriented at times because I was feeling and thinking something that honestly felt completely "mine" and now I can not seem to understand how I even felt that way because now I feel something completely opposite and yet now THIS feels, with the same intensity, like "MY" thought and sometimes I cannot even accept the previous thought as valid, let alone "mine"... And yet at the time, when I had the thought, I was SURE it was MINE.

Does anyone else feel like this or deal with this multiple realities/alternate realities type of feeling? If so how?

And do other people constantly contradict themselves and are thus called liars?
 
The first example resonates with me very strongly, also the part about amnesia and getting lost/confused/disorientated in conversation. Not to mention my natural reaction is also defensive. I automatically assume people's number one motive towards me is negative. I 100000% contradict myself.
 
Post/Part 4 - More Info

This is how dissociation is for me. I think I have DDNOS - semi-DID-type (although undiagnosed) and I am like a shell where Aspects will act through me/shell and depending who is present that is who "I" am. It could even be more than one at once.

For me it's like when the Others are close to the "top layer" or to "the front" of the consciousness I am aware of their presence (I feel their thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, etc.)

Also, I will start to feel "myself" shift and morph into something that is not "myself". For example, I will begin to feel really tingly and lightheaded and things don't look right anymore. Like things might look black and white.

Or for example, I will feel like I'm spinning on a merry-go-round and it will feel really disorienting and makes me really dizzy like I'm falling. This is usually brief and last seconds to minutes and sometimes maybe an hour or more? It seems so go along with switching (though that is not a word that I prefer to use, I would much rather use the word "phasing").

And during this time I will perhaps hear my voice talking but using words that aren't my own and thoughts that aren't my own and it doesn't even sound or feel like "me".

The thing is, others outside of myself (like my family and friends) don't really seem to notice because it's so covert. And so I don't think people believe me. I hate that part of this. Because my Others do not present like your typical DID patient's alters might. And since my Others use me as the shell through whom they act it seems like to my friends, family, and significant other that I am just "being moody" or "acting like a baby". And it's so covert that people don't really seem to buy the whole multiple personalities, because in my case it seems so much like me/the switching is so subtle. But I can tell a switch has happened because of how I feel (or rather a change in how I feel/think/act).

Sometimes I am not even aware I'm phasing until after the fact, when I'm back to my "normal" self. I will think, "Woah! I'm back! That wasn't me. But it felt like it at the time."


Also, I associate my others with colors and myself as being clear like a clear plastic shell. So when someone(s) is present and forward I will become their color (since I, the front, is clear) and that's how I know who is who, because their color fills me.

Does any one else ever feel like they spin? And if so what does it feel like for you?

Does other people feel like they are a shell alter? Or like they are clear?

Do other people experience their others in terms of colors?
 
The first example resonates with me very strongly, also the part about amnesia and getting lost/confused...

Thanks for commenting. Sorry you can relate. I've been like this a long while I think. The bodily stuff is so bad. Sitting with you.
 
I get bad jaw pain (but I think that is from teeth grinding), but I do get severe vaginal pain (both externally - like my pubic bone feels like it is being slammed and crushed or something and it hurts so bad... and also internally - like inside my vagina and up inside my ovaries and uterus area) Also I have severe anal pain. The intensity sometimes causes me to scream out or double over. I get severe headaches and tendon/ligament pain... I know for a fact I had a lot of trauma involving my tendons and ligaments and muscles being manipulated to cause severe pain.

But I do know I am having severe pelvic pain. It's worse than I let on. It sometimes hurts pretty badly. Also sometimes it feels like (and I've never really admitted this but maybe have supposed it) it's ripping something inside and I feel pressure. Most of it is internal (as in my uterus/ovaries). But today I distinctly felt something in my vagina and the outside of my genitals hurt also as did my rectum. This is so messed up. It's so painful. The internal pain very well could be an ovarian cyst, but the external/genital pain? That's never happened before when I've had ovarian cysts. And when I say genital pain, I don't mean like a burning pain. It feels like my pubic bone is aching severely and like it hurts as if something is pushing really hard against it.

I also feel like I have this knowing feeling inside when I'm getting these pains - but I cannot say that out loud, at least not without causing extensive turmoil in the System. I grab the part of my body and whimper and gasp and I get really bad "feelings" inside my head like bad feelings and bad thoughts and like "emotional and visual messages" (that I forget as soon as I get them) from someone inside maybe but I don't know who. Does that make sense?

I thought this was normal for everyone to get bad pains in bad places. It was until I asked a friend if she got pains like I do too (on an almost daily basis) and she looked at me weird and almost looked disgusted with me for asking such a thing. She said the only lain she gets is when she is on her period. I felt ashamed for asking. I just thought it was something everyone dealt with.


Oh and I have been getting them for as long as I can remember. I was a very young child when they started. Very little.
 
My female alter and I have each have a unique sense of the same body. I became aware of this in the glaring differences in our yoga practices. Her sense of size and proportion, her ability to move and do postures is very foreign to me.

I have dreams that have played on for years like a television show. Nothing special just versions of my life that never took place. My trauma therapist explained these to be alternate realities.

As far as "being in the middle of a conversation, fully aware you've been speaking, but them suddenly being confused because you have no idea what you're talking about or what you've been saying." I see this as a dissociative protective mechanism rather than amnesia or time/memory loss.
 
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I forgot to mention this different sense of body is very apparent with clothes. I'm 5' 10" 146 pounds but she sees herself 2-3 inches shorter and 30 pounds lighter. I steer her to get things she knows won’t look good on her. She steers me to buy my clothes too tight. Regardless of which of us is fronting we can always tell who by looking in the mirror. If I see a 30 something girl it’s my female alter, otherwise its me. After 7 years it just works best for us to keep our noses out of what the other is buying.
 
After 7 years it just works best for us to keep our noses out of what the other is buying.

My husband isn't as "conscious" of his "others" (I don't think?) as you and @chant2012 seem to be .. it's more like he has just switched, and "Middle" (the main host/organizer/mediator) is aware more AFTER-the-fact .. though he says he's aware "in" the moment, too, even if he's not "driving" ...

The other day, he was working the garden, and caught a glimpse of himself in a reflection, and all of a sudden "Femmy" (who is a young male internal part who WISHES he was a girl) .. he was ALL about how GOOD his hair looked .. unexpectedly, his long-ish hair (we've been having my husband's hair grow out on purpose, by agreement, to allow for more flexibility between male/female looks depending on mood) was REALLY good .. with his natural curls and the sun casting over his locks .. his "Femmy" was surprised to see himself looking so "girlie" (not really, but his HAIR did .. *giggle*) so all of a sudden Femmy was ALL about me taking his picture in this and that pose .. it was so cute and fun, and my hubby needed a break from the hard work in the garden anyway, so "the rest of him" let Femmy front for a few minutes .. We generally know "who is who" in pictures after the fact based on body language, etc. ;)

But "Femmy" KNOWS he is only PART of my husband, and so far he doesn't seem to be "self-aware" or at least doesn't try to "take over" and "front" for the system with any kind of regularity .. if anything he has to "fight" internally for the "right" to express himself, and he's usually the last of the parts to "get his way" .. so when he shows up, I run with it .. cuz he is such a HAPPY part of my husband, and my husband ALWAYS feels what he calls the "fingerprint" of the other part after the fact ... and both Femmy and Little (who are mostly integrated or integrating into Middle - not sure if we're using those words correctly, but that is our best sense) .. the "fingerprint" is ALWAYS a happy and healing one ..

So "Femmy" popped to the "front" cuz he saw his reflection and LOVED his hair .. *sigh* .. honestly, my husband has such a general disdain for his appearance (though he's VERY attractive! .. he never BELIEVES he's attractive ..) .. Femmy is the only part who really loves to "show off" for the camera, and it brings my husband such a feeling of liberty and residual happiness, I'm pretty game to let Femmy "play" for the camera whenever he wants .. even if it's brief .. the exception being if there is a legitimate "responsible" priority .. and my husband and I have an agreement that *I* am the one to "play the heavy" if it comes to saying no to "play" time for the moment cuz this or that MUST be done in such and such a time .. If *I* play the role of "Grumpy" then "Grumpy" doesn't take over the whole system and "force" the rest of himself to comply .. and my man LOVES it when I put the law down, cuz the rest of him views this as me "saving" him from Grumpy's rule, and "Grumpy" likes it when I do this cuz a) I'm being wise and respectful regarding real "priorities" AND b) it lets him relax/sleep which is what he prefers anyway ..

Inside my husband, Grumpy has despised Femmy, :( (which I hate, honestly .. the fact that I am rather "pan" romantic and "demi" sexual means I don't care what body gender a person is, I'm "aroused" by the SOUL of the person .. while I tend to "idealize" this reality, it's actually been VERY frustrating in my life .. making my husband PERFECT for me, cuz he "arouses" me no matter HOW he "presents" himself, cuz I love the HEART of the man) .. Grumpy tends to internally ridicule himself for his "tender-spirited" aspects as if these aren't "manly" enough .. :( :( Goodness, my husband is altogether perfectly masculine AND tender-spirited .. the more "Middle" can balance these simultaneous realities, the more "one" and "whole" ALL of him feels .. And my "love" for ALL of him has been a somewhat miraculous bridge for him to walk .. The "self-despising" is more the fingerprint of his past abuse, but even "Grumpy" can be reasoned with .. and even HE (Grumpy - the very "traditional" masculine male, more like my husband's DAD than himself) is altogether lovely, too, in his own ways, I just wish he wouldn't oppress the genuinely "tender" parts of my man so much ..

Last aside - to get back on thread-track, @chant2012 - I see you're a female. I kinda have a theory that the "frozen" part might be more evident by body gender for feeling that kind of sexual "freeze" .. in my husband's case, he's a bit HYPER-sexualized. EVERY part has it's own "sexuality" .. even the "little" ones ..

The sexual trauma in his background kinda .. um .. created "appetites" that he has found VERY difficult to navigate over the years, and which have made our intmate journey more challenging (and, I would argue, beautiful, cuz he's drawn me out of MY shell) .. BUT .. I LOVE him .. I love ALL of him, in all his parts and all the ways in which we can be "intimate" - even non-sexual.

And as his mate, I am also wired such that I don't "need" sex in the way a traditional female does, so I am very satisfied with "waiting" IF in the moment, we need to focus elsewhere. I don't want my own (insecurity or self-loathing) "issues" to make me feel less-than-sufficient or inadequate, or whatever else, just cuz he might not "be in the mood" at the moment.

We build "intimacy" (oneness) on ALL of the four table legs - mental, emotional, spiritual AND physical. So "sex" is more like the flower ON the table for us. We love each other according to the table legs, and the "flower on the table" takes care of itself .. but that is just what is true for us .. I know others' stories are more complicated, perhaps. *I* may feel our story is pretty complicated .. I was a real life 40 year old virgin, after all! And he had many notches on his bedpost! BUT we love EACH OTHER (all parts of each of us) so that we are EACH willing to adapt in the moment, never "force" the other into anything, though also genuinely willing to gently "seduce" IF it's lovingly, and accept that one or the other of us doesn't have to .. um .. "finish" for us to have a good time! (forgive me if that's too graphic) ..

Our love runs more stable and deep than just the "act" of intimacy, we are building on a WHOLISTIC intimacy .. so I generally know if he's "disconnected" in the moment .. and even though I'm nowhere near "DID" on the spectrum, there are times when *I* am "disconnected" from my body, too .. I have some sensory integration issues, so I'm quite a natural "clutz" actually .. but I also have a mindset that I am willing to try to GET in the mood when he is, whenever possible, cuz I know he expresses love WITH his body .. which seems to be more a "guy" thing .. and HE is willing to "wait" whenever I need him too .. cuz I express my love BEST when I feel fully safe and relaxed and "in the moment" and sometimes it takes more to get me there .. which seems to be more a "girl" thing, and he's willing to draw me out .. and sometimes I draw HIM out .. It's a living conversation, and we love each other no matter what ..

I hope at least SOME of that meandering is helpful .. :inlove:

~WU
 
PS - regarding "pain" .. both my husband and I have real pain issues, some of them chronic, some of them MAY be somewhat "psychosomatic" vs. structural .. This isn't crazy or weird or whatever .. in fact, both of us feel like this is possibly only going to become MORE of our "reality" as we get older (I'm 40, he's 49 and recently injured his back) .. You might find it helpful to review some of the posts, here, regarding "body memory" issues attached to abuse .. if it's a "body memory" pain issue versus a medically treatable STRUCTUAL (or disease/infection) issue, this might also help you in your self-discovery? .. but if I may encourage you? Please don't let the "pain" be "defining" in any way .. it IS surmountable .. if it's "body memory" related, you will reconnect enough with yourself to identify the past-story-connection (and heal), OR if it's real-time structural, you can treat "medically" .. either way, it's kinda part of "getting older" that my husband and I have resolved ourselves to "overcome as much as possible!" and you don't have to be "defined" by whatever "it" is .. it's just "pain" which .. no MATTER the "cause" .. is just a "signal" to your mind .. if it's fixable, we fix it; if it's not fixable, we adapt to it, and if it's "worsening", we PRAY over it, and it usually becomes one or the other .. ;) NEITHER of which has to interfere either with our daily lives, OR our "intimacy" .. there are PLENTY of ways to be intimate :) I suspect we both may be older than you, though I don't know .. but TOUCH can be loving AND satisfying, even if it isn't altogether .. um .. *cough* .. "climaxing" .. ;) ALL of the pursuit WITH one another is WORTH it .. because love is worth it. ;) (again, I hope some of this helps!)

~WU
 
@WhisperingUnicorn, thanks for your input and insight!That's usually how I am. I really am not always aware I've even switched until after the fact, because there is like an emotional "after taste" from whoever was out prior. All the support to you and your H.

I've been checked for my lady parts pain and internal pain. I do have fibromyalgia but no one can seem to find out what my genital and internal pain is from. Thanks so much for the reply :)
 
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