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General This isn't living

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Sighs

MyPTSD Pro
This is just existing. Between the verbal abuse, the threats of violence and the isolation this isn't a relationship.

I shouldn't feel like i have to endure life. I feel like I've lost all the joy in my life. You brought so much into my life to start with but its all leached away.

Too much water under the bridge? How do we connect when neither of us feels any connection anymore?
 
This is just existing. Between the verbal abuse, the threats of violence and the isolation this isn't a r...

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. I'm feeling pretty close to the same way... trying to figure out what my best path is...

I guess all I can say is since I can't figure it out yet, I'm just going to do my best to put one foot in front off the other for a bit until I can clear my head. Is that an option for you right now?

I really wish you as peaceful a process as possible under the circumstances. You habe to take care of you right now. I decided I have to take care of me right now too. It feels weird and unnatural... and that is most likely a prob lem.
Prayers and hugs to you if you accept! I hope you can get your needs met.
 
@Sighs I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better. I do understand totally what you’re feeling. I often find myself staring off into the distance wondering if too much water has gone under the bridge. Take care and a gentle hug if appropriate and you need it.
 
@Sighs I had debated within myself whether to add to this thread; then I remembered you posted under a discussion thread so to add would be appropriate. Your post hit very close to home with me when you wrote: “To much water under the bridge?”

I’ve endured the accusations and verbal abuse for 10 years. My sufferer has returned and diligently continues her therapy. I can see that the meds and the therapy is finally working. She has an awareness that never existed before. I believe she is able to manage her illness. She is in the beginning stages of managing her issues. She looks at me to rebuild our relationship because she tells me she does not know how. I can accept her reasoning because her trauma began in childhood and spanned a lifetime.

I am no longer on the roller coaster ride. Deep down I think it’s because I don’t care anymore. I care about her as a person but I don’t think I care about the relationship anymore. This bothered me for a while. I felt guilt and a sense of obligation. Then I saw your post on Friday. Your one question about too much water under the bridge was an “aha moment” for me. That was what I was feeling.

I’ve known people who have been in love for a lifetime. You can see it in their eyes even very late in their lives. I’ve also known people who have lived a lifetime together out of a sense of obligation only. The obligation being family, or religion, or guilt, or whatever. You can see that in their eyes also. This is what I feel in my heart. I think in my younger days, I would have left and chosen my own happiness. As a much older person now, I have resigned myself to my lot in life. I hope no one criticizes me for this. Perhaps the price for this long battle with PTSD was to high for me. I regret I wasn’t strong enough.

So @Sighs I don’t know the answer to your last question: “How do we connect...?” I used to ask myself that question every night before fitfully going to sleep. Now I no longer ask the question and I sleep reasonably well. There is a part of me that hopes my sufferer can help me figure this out but there is also a part of me that realizes she may not have the ability.

There is no longer any anger, or frustration, or resentment. There is only a bit of sadness that I wasn’t strong enough to continue.

Take care.
 
I'm always available to break his jaw.

Just FYI / in keeping your options on the table.

I know. Sigh. You're probably too classy for that. HOWEVER the offer stands.

<<< Kind of like the older brother waiting in the wings, with a suspicious look on his face :shifty:

Whatever you decide? I'm behind you. And I will floor anyone who makes life difficult, on request.
 
@Friday is such a bad ass.

I'm so sorry too, @Sighs, although I know that may not bring you much comfort. It pains me to think of what you're going through, especially when I don't have to imagine what it's like. Have you thought about tangible paths moving forward? Whether that be breaking up, a separation.... A separation might be good because then maybe, even if it doesn't spark any desire to change in him, it will give you an opportunity to remember how it feels to live life, rather than endure it.

If he showed any signs of trying to meet you in the middle, my answer might have gone in another direction. I don't want you (or anyone really) to think I'm pushing only separation advice because of my own experience.
 
Lol - thanks @Friday.

Ever the optimist - today I am feeling much better. He exploded at me verbally last night, but actually apologised and was very sweet afterwards. Sigh! I really wish I could figure out how to change the dynamic. He has an appointment with his psychologist next week. I may ask to go along.
 
Sighs, I’m sorry your going through this. I’m on the other side now. Learning how to forgive and move forward. But it doesn’t work if it’s one sided. He has to have the same goals as you, working on the relationship. If you go with him is their a chance you can both talk to his T about making this decision?
 
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