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Undiagnosed Thought i was crazy... childhood trauma, dv, assault, stalking.

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Hello! Thank you so much for letting me join this community. I have been struggling mightily lately. I don't believe I've yet to have an official PTSD diagnosis, but I am 99% sure that is what I suffer from.

When I was 17 years old I met my first boyfriend. I was a depressed teenager, and he was troubled. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary with him until we started living together after only a few short months. He had been moody and had spouts of anger, but so did my father so I thought nothing of it. Very shortly after we tmoved in together he became physically violent, and it increased at a very alarming rate. Before long he was telling me how he murdered someone, and that he would do the same to my family if I left him or went to the police. One day he attacked me so viciously that he cracked my skull stomping it into the ground before pulling a knife on me. I managed to beg for him not to kill me. Eventually I found the courage to leave him, but since I had previously claimed he didn't attack me the whole thing was dismissed in court and wiped from his record as a minor. He stalked me for years, and I kept moving farther and farther away until he suddenly stopped trying to contact me.

That's when an old friend contacted me and told me about how he had stabbed a cab driver and been found NCR responsible due to schizophrenia. He is and will be kept in a mental ward most likely for the rest of his life.

I am 29 now, and a mother to an almost two year old. Four years ago I had hit rock bottom and finally started my journey into recovery. I have devoutly turned my life around, and no longer feel so hopeless about my life that I ache to die. Now I feel stressed. Painfully stressed. Last year I started having flashbacks about the relationship. For the first time I was remembering and feeling the terror of those memories. I remembered again him telling me about how he murdered someone, and I decided I had to tell someone about it. For the longest time I had been certain it wasn't as bad as I thought, and I was just being dramatic about being affected by it (I did not have the best support system). After spending a few years with my recovery, I finally realized my self worth and that it was the right thing to do. That was back in May, and two weeks ago they called me in for an official recorded statement. Afterwards the detective told me how dangerous the family was, and how a lot of the things he told me were lining up. They are going ahead with the investigation.

For me, selfishly, that is the strongest piece of closure I have ever gotten on the matter. An officer scoffed me during the original arrest, my lawyer had failed to represent me and bring forward evidence, and when he first started stalking me the police dismissed me with no official record of the charges I had put against him. Finally having a detective hear what I had to say, and telling me that I did the right thing, let me finally accept that I wasn't being dramatic. That this truly was a traumatic experience. The couple psych exams I've had in the last few years have pointed to GAD, and BPD (which I'm not arguing!), but I really believe I have PTSD if not even CTPSD with childhood trauma as well. The nightmares since the day I did my statement have been intense, and in the past couple months I have been having completely debilitating panic attacks. Sweating, hyperventilating, and even unconsciousness the first time it happened. I used to have them when I was younger, but not in almost ten years! I'm so anxious I have a hard time leaving the house, and I constantly feel like I'm stuck in 'fight or flight' mode with crazy adrenaline pumping through me. I have a hard time concentrating because of it.

I am in therapy, and today I booked another psychiatrist appointment, but it's a one time diagnosis. I'm worried with it being just a one time diagnosis that it might not be enough to accurately diagnose me.

Anyhow, after all this rambling I am just looking for someone who can tell me if they have similar experiences, and it they have symptoms like this with their PTSD.

Thank you everyone, I hope you are having a wonderful day!
 
I don't have the attention span left tonight to read everything you shared, but wanted to say welcome to the community and I'm glad you decided to be a part of it. Wishing you wellness and support in your healing/dealing attempts.
 
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