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Three Sexually Explicit Events In My Pre- Teen Years

Discussion in 'Discussion' started by freakofnurture, Mar 15, 2011.

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  1. freakofnurture

    freakofnurture Well-Known Member

    Okay, I already know the answers to two of these questions. But somehow I feel like I have to ask them anyways and hear the answers from someone else to finally stick the appropriate lable to this mental file and put it in a drawer. I'm really unsure what to make of the second event, and I'm embarrassed like hell by the third, which was actually a weeklong series of events. I cannot ask my husband or my friends. I've been tiptoeing around making this thread for weeks now and I doubt that I'll be able to bring myself to tell the third event in this first post. But I think I have to. This sh*t keeps distracting me. I need to label it and put it away.

    The first one is the easiest one and it'll kind of show an emotional and cognitive base line that one might need to consider when trying to figure out the second event.

    I was in third or fourth grade, on my way home from school, when a car stopped some meters behind me in the empty, quite suburban side street I lived in. A man left the car, stepped on the sidewalk and said something to the effect of "Hey, girl, look!". I turned, looked at is exposed, flaccid dick, frowned at the oddity of this whole scene, turned back and continued to walk home. It took quite a while for me to realise that, maybe this was a situation in which other people would find it appropriate to run. So I ran.

    I told the - funny - event to my best friend at that time, who promised not to tell and then left the room and told her mom. Her mom then made me promise that I tell my parents. I chose to hand the facts over to my f*ther because I knew that my m*ther would only make a fuss about it. She explained to me later that she never told my brother and me about evil strangers because she wanted to protect us. I, too, have no idea how that made sense inside her head.

    We filed a complaint at the police, nothing ever came out of it.

    I remember that I later fantasised about cool one liners I could have recited at that exhibitionist to make him understand how completely unimpressive the sight of his dick was and that I was merely surprised that there are grown men who are like little boys going 'Look, look, I have a penis, a real penis all of my own!'

    The second event was only a little time later. Months, I think. There was this boy from down the street and around the curve; let's call him U. I don't know why and how, but I ended up playing with him on more than one occasion and I remember it being pleasant. U's parents owned a little garden across the street from their house. It was a really cool garden with a high wooden fence around it. I remember wanting to go there for a long time before I got to know U. The area was narrow but long and sloped rather steeply downhill. There were two plastered paths, one on the right, one on the left of a dense strip of fruit trees. There was a red swingset with two seats opposing each other, and there were flower bushes, I think.

    There was also a little shed, made of dark wood. It was really really little, as I recall.

    Okay, so, I'm starting to get really uncomfortable now and my stomach is feeling like a rock with needles sticking out. It could just so happen that I click 'Create Thread' and go off in the middle of a sentence or so. Eff this ess.

    Hhhhokay. So, U said he wanted to show me something (oooh, original!) and made me go into the shed with him. He said he'd show me his if I showed him mine. I learned that that's not such an odd thing to happen with kids that age and back then I wasn't impressed and said, yeah, okay. He was considerably less well endowed than the guy from earlier that year. Then we left the shed.

    But a little bit later he wanted to do it again. Okay, I agreed, because, whatever, why not? I recall myself standing there with my trousers down, saying: 'Oh, you can make it bigger.' That's the end of that scene.

    Remember, I had cut off friendships before, because of the friend's bad behaviour and it had never particularly bothered me. But with U, the next thing I know is experiencing extreme, physical, revolting disgust at the mere thought of him. I hated him so much, I wanted to beat him up, spit in his face, rip out his guts, kick in his skull, stab him with a knive, shoot his brains out, hang him, hack him to pieces with an axe - I developed hour long torture programs for him, and nothing could quench my burning hatred. I was physically unable to walk past his house, so I had to change to the other side of the road when I had to go down to that part of our block, but that forced me to be right next to the garden, so I ended up taking considerable detours. I rather walked more than twice the distance and past the eerie cemetary than force myself to walk past U's house or garden.
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  3. freakofnurture

    freakofnurture Well-Known Member

    So, I don't know at all what to make of this second thing. My emotions thinking about it change rapidly, depending on what I think, and there's no particular ground state they return to; so if there's some data hidden about it somewhere, I am likely not in touch with it. All I have to go on are my memories.
    My recollections of the event itself seem innocent enough and there are surely several reasons why I could have been angry with that boy and then worked myself up into a frenzy. But I don't know. I'm prone to developing aversion against people and places that are connected to defeat, failure, humiliation etc. but I then tend to push them from my mind. I'm not the type to cultivate my grudges and keep them alive by dwelling on them. Maybe I was different when I was little. But there are so many grudges I could have held against so many people, yet I didn't. I disliked them, but I didn't begrudge them. I didn't even fantasise about killing my father. I wished he'd go away or die in a fire, but I didn't want to attack him. Though that could be the superlative because today I know that I didn't want it for at least some time because I was too disgusted by him to even touch him with a baseball bat.

    Now what do I do? Do I file it under M for Mystery? S for Stupid Sh*t? J for Just Forget About It? I'd greatly appreciate any input because I'm at a loss here.
  4. Abstract

    Abstract I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    Hi FN,

    Well done for posting!
    Someone once gave me really good advice when I was deliberating whether I was affected by an incident or not.
    She said I would be unlikely to waste time on it if I was not. Ruminating thought about an issue is normally a dead giveaway.

    Think of something that truly does not concern you. Is it difficult to let it go? Do you feel confused whether it affected you badly or did not?
    I am guessing the answer is, "no".

    A few questions for you that may or may not help.
    Do you remember feeling cohorced? Did you worry he would not like you or any other such thought?
    What thoughts/feelings come up when you think of the incidents?
    When you felt anger at him did it have elliments of disgust or any other such emotion?
    I am assuming you were about eight.

    What are your exact questions about this? What do you want answered? Is it that you want a label for what these incidents are called?

    Good luck relating the third incident!
    freakofnurture likes this.
  5. jesse

    jesse One Opinion in Opinion City
    Premium Member

    Did the boy do more to you than what you wrote? Did he assault you? You spoke of your father did he violate you? I don't think I completely understand either so please forgive me if I am jumping to conclusions. This behavior in children I think is somewhat normal curiosity but if you were coerced or forced it certainly is not. I am just wondering if your anger from other Abuse you were experiencing was directed at this boy? I am not trying to minimize what happened just trying to get more details to understand.
    freakofnurture likes this.
  6. freakofnurture

    freakofnurture Well-Known Member

    I do not remember being coerced or afraid he wouldn't like me. He could have shown me his pet turtle for all the emotional response I had during the parts that I remember.
    When I think about the incident itself now I feel merely annoyed that I can't figure out what happened or didn't happen. However, when I think about how I felt about the boy afterwards, my stomach starts to cramp and I feel a bit panicky. If I dwell on these thoughts, I feel a flight impulse and want to push it all from my mind.
    There was a lot of disgust on top of my anger. If I had to put numbers on it, it would be 70% disgust, 20% hate and 10% anger. I never wanted to kill someone so badly ever in my life.
    My question is really just "What happened?!?". I know there are no mind readers on the board, but I'm hoping that questions - like yours (thanks!) - and other people's thoughts about what I remember, other people's experiences etc. could help me to figure out if my obsessing about this incident is just me being paranoid or not.
    If it's paranoia, great. I'll lable it 'paranoia' and be done with it. If it isn't, not great. I'll lable it 'sexual abuse' and throw it into the box of traumata that I have to work on.

    I wrote down everything that I remember. I agree that the 'show me yours...' is a normal thing for kids that age and if there was any coercion after the consensual beginning, I do not remember. The only thing that makes me suspect something non-consensual are the extremely negative emotions and thoughts that I later directed at the boy and everything connected to him.
    I don't know of any sexual abuse by my f*ther. He 'only' used to pin me to the ground (fully clothed) and make it very clear to me that he hated my guts and that he'd beat me and kill me if my m*ther wouldn't disapprove of it.
    I hope that makes things clearer to you. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask. I know you're not trying to minimise and I appreciate your help :)
  7. jesse

    jesse One Opinion in Opinion City
    Premium Member

    That cleared things up a lot Nurture. I mean your feelings are yours and it's OK to just be upset or freaked out about it for awhile, just kind of sit with it and not pressure yourself to understand right away. I don't know if that makes any sense but if you feel that strongly than something most likely did happen but don't beat yourself up for not remembering and don't minimize your feelings to you because you don't remember. That's my two cents for what it's worth.
  8. freakofnurture

    freakofnurture Well-Known Member

    @jesse: That sounds very reasonable, thank you. I'll try to relax a bit and not cling to the topic that much. *deep breath*
  9. Abstract

    Abstract I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    Hi FN (I can't bear to call you Freakofnurture!),

    I think the above quote is important. It does not sound like paranoia to me as that usually presents intself differently.
    Here are a couple more thoughts/questions:
    Could you have mixed some of your feelings towards your father in with the feelings for this boy?
    Could you have changed your perception of what happened shortly after it did? Someone making a comment; something he did or said; something you you heard or read. I think its possible to totally change the way one feels about something because of perception.
    Did you have a pattern of dissociating at this age?
    Did he have a history of manipulating you into doing things you did not want to do?
    The most interesting emotion is the disgust because that tends not to arise from other stuff.

    You say those emotions do not come up for you when you think of what happened but do when you think of him in general?

    I have some "minor" incidents which do seem to have had an impact on me even although they certainly were not consential.

    The one involved "grabbing" of my crotch and breasts by my 22 year old cousin when I was about 13 or 14. Nothing underneath clothes but it still left me feeling hypervigilant; protective of my 5 year younger sister who also experienced the same; and "in danger". Unfortunately my mother invited him to live with us for a long period of time soon after the "incidents" so I spent the next years second guessing where he was and what he would do. I feel very silly for it upsetting me but it did/does.

    I know of someone dealing with serious consequences of having her best girl friend force objects into her and and have quite involved sexual contact between them - age about eight. She did feel trapped into it and did not want it to happen. There was manipulation going on.

    As far as I understand it, anything that sexualises a child in any way is abusive although that excludes children exploring in a general, curious way.

    I also believe anything aimed at orgasm between children or that involves more involved interraction is regarded as a problem.
    The most important thing is how the child felt about it.

    What do you think is the main aspect of this that is keeping it in your mind? Is it the emotion relating to it or something else?
  10. freakofnurture

    freakofnurture Well-Known Member

    Call me tiny, if you like :)
    It's funny, but somehow it's like jesse gave me permission to stop obsessing so much, and I don't feel so bad anymore for pushing the uncomfortble/panicky thoughts away. That's a good thing, I guess.
    Thanks @ jesse :)
    It is possible that I have mixed some of my feelings towards my father in with my feelings towards the boy.
    And it's possible that this happened because my Memory of the events was distorted/changed by something (unrelated) that happened later. I'm not sure though, that a distortion of memories after the fact can lead to a repression of these memories. I'm skeptical about the phenomenon of repressed memories in general, which is one of the reasons why I'm so reluctant to believe what my feelings seem to tell me.
    I have always been a daydreamer, but I don't know if it ever was extreme enough to count as dissociation.
    I don't remember any instances where the boy manipulated or pressured me; I don't remember much about him at all, it's mostly a generalisation of 'I visited him, we listened to story tapes, we always entered the house through the garage, which I found odd'.
    Wow, wtf was wrong with that cousin? I think it was a good and loving thing of you to watch out for your little sister. The shrugging off of events like the one you describe is one of the reasons why child molestation is possible. And I'd rather be hypervigilant and overprotective than become an accomplice through neglect.
    I agree. Children do know pretty early what gender they are and they sure have phases of curiosity about the biology and sociology of sex, but it's all just occasional and tied to events (like a sibling or cousin coming) and not a sign for sexuality. The constant perception of the self as a sexual being - and sexual being in an interactive sense - develops only when the body is about to be mature enough to comfortably live through the concequences a sexual encounter can have (pregnancy and child birth).
    It's my emotions, the uncertainty and the negative consequences it could have if I just push the questions aside and ignore them during therapy.
  11. freakofnurture

    freakofnurture Well-Known Member

    EDIT: Urgh, can't do this.
  12. Abstract

    Abstract I'm a VIP
    Premium Member

    Listening if you can say.
    freakofnurture likes this.
  13. Philippa

    Philippa I'm a VIP

    Hi Freakofnurture,

    I don't seem to be able to get it together right now enough to be able to read all the way through your thread. I managed the first post, but I'm not concentrating so well right now. Just wanted to let you know I'm here though...just not much good to you right now I don't think.
    freakofnurture likes this.
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