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Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

So two days ago was my birthday. It always makes me avoidant and triggered because while bumming around Europe in my early 20s, I went to a pub in London. A nice guy bought me a pint and the next thing I know, I’m in a car drugged. I did not want to be raped and I played dead. I watched with my eyes just slits and when the car stopped at a red light, I opened my door and fell out of the car. I ran and ran, falling down from the drug. A kind woman asked me if I needed the police but I just begged her to get me a cab. Which she did.
I hate my birthday, but this year I went to a concert. David Rawlings and Gillian Welch. Awesome
I’ve got to do something about my avoidance. I have the irrational fear that I will be kidnapped again. So I don’t take walks. My dog needs more exercise. Cannot get out there without panic . Time to peel the onion and overcome this phobia
 
Thanks Hope! I’ll have to pop over to your diary and see how you’ve been. Working with a Shaman is the best decision I’ve ever made. She is helping me reclaim my soul which at present time is ready and waiting for me to allow back in. Originally, it was in fragments floating outside of me. She called on Palladian, celestial beings, to piece it back together. She puts it back into me and I spit it out. This goes on and on. I’ve got this opinion that it’s the little girl coming back in and I’ve pretty much made it a lifetime coping mechanism to keep her out. I’m keeping as open a mind as I can.

I upped my reiki sessions to every other week. Always my heart chakra is not spinning. One time my father, dead and forgotten, appeared to the Shaman. I said stop it’s a trap!! She said he wants to help you. Well, that’s a little f...ing late. He’s got some selfish reason for showing up. I told her to tell him that if he wants to be helpful, then go to my son and help him get sober. I’m determined to address my avoidance this winter. I figure the rapists won’t bother dragging me into the woods while I’m walking if it’s freezing out. My little village is deserted in the winter. And everybody that stays year round is happy. Annie has protected me from attackers in the past, and I have my spirit guides I can call on. I just have to do it!!!!
 
Glad you're working with a Shaman. Some of my most profound healing has come with the aid of shamans. I am in the process of working with one now to help the spirits of my parents leave my body and cross over. It is very scary and intense, but we got my father to cross. This coming Friday we will tackle my mother. I am dreading the process (as my body is used as the vehicle for him to talk with the spirit), but it needs to happen if I am to begin piecing my soul back together.

I think your description of your reactions to the little girl is apropos. After a lifetime of keeping these exiled parts far away, it's a monumental act of courage to let them back in so we can become whole again. Open mind, open heart, and kind trustworthy guides of this world and the spirit world are essential. So glad you have them.

Good for you to go at overcoming avoidance in your life. I send you strength, courage, and persistence on your journey. Having your spirit guides by your side (or in front or behind or all around) is hugely helpful in navigating this world!

Don't bother with my diary. I haven't written for a long while. Mostly sticking with my paper journal these days, and interacting a bit here and there on threads on this board.
 
Do you think you’ll be able to get together sometime? I always have Tuesday afternoons off. Just changed my health insurance plan that will cost $74/month but will reduce my copays and cover more care. My mental illness is my biggest cost so I got a plan that eliminates deductibles. Which means I’ll have enough money in Feb to get my dog her shots.
 
Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid
Courage means you don’t let fear stop you

Usual scene when dealing with triggered memories. I’m damned if I avoid situations that trigger me and I’m damned when I try to process traumatic memories. Me and fear we are best friends.
 
I wonder if I’ll ever sleep through the night. I wonder if it’s truly possible to retrieve my soul. I wonder why I struggle with faith. I wonder... it’s exhausting.

I love Christmas. Snow is coating the trees, people are generally full of goodwill. My kids won’t drive to see me. It’s like I made these humans they were with me 24/7 then it was 21 hours a day and less and less time. They simply don’t like me because they are both big drinkers and they prefer to hang out with my ex a lush and lazy blob. I’m dreading my daughters wedding.,it will be a bunch of drunks and for that I have to drive to Pennsylvania and pretend to be happy. When she got engaged I told her I won’t meddle in her plans, but the one thing I wanted to do is be with her when she went to get a dress. She went without me. She’s not having any attendants so I have to give her a shower. Where am I going to get money to put on a shower? I guarantee she will complain about it. She won’t register for gifts and wants people to bring something they don’t use anymore. I can’t wait til it’s over. Then my duties are done and I can live my life not caring what they want, need or any other motherly functions.
 
I don’t know why I feel so iretable. I haven’t had reiki for awhile just because of scheduling snafus and my Shaman got the flu. She has been so stressed out, her mom has heart disease and she almost died. I think she’s on the mend. She went to a reiki conference in England at which the subject of PTSD was considered. Typically, a reiki session should hold for a month, but they find that for PTSD clients, every two weeks helps stabilize the system. I got pierced by a clients hair and the wound is infected. Yuk I hate that his sweaty bacteria got into me. I feel violated considering that he dies not follow my recommendations. He keeps shaving which makes it near impossible to remove his hair. He won’t come on a regular basis and won’t give me a phone number. He won’t lie flat or on his belly. He’s just a hassle. So I’ll get a recheck today. It’s not just a little prick, it is the size of a quarter and it’s getting bigger. I hope my doc drains it. It’s not that all men are impossible. Everybody else respects my experience and follows my instructions and they get good results. My infection control policies are very strict. I wear a mask and gloves and disinfect everything, this was a freak incident. It happened two weeks ago and I had a round of Keflex to no avail. I use lancets to excise ingrown hairs from beneath the skin and I am so tempted to drain this myself. It’s on my dominant arm and I don’t think my left hand has the dexterity to do the job.

I know I’m being irrational. Had it been any other clients hair I don’t think I would be so upset. I told him not to shave and he did anyway, I should’ve refused to treat him. Live and learn.

Alright so take some kind of helpful action. I obsess about germs. Well also on any situation that I can’t control. It’s such a waste of energy to be this way, but is a hallmark trait of hypervigelence. If I could just ignore it, accept it and move on, I’d feel a lot better. This is the story of my life. This obsessiveness. My ex used to complain that if I didn’t have some issue to resolve, I’d create a problem. I’ve read articles about PTSD that describe this tendency of sufferers, this need to control in hopes of having some control over my life. I lose sleep at times like this. Not so helpful in trying to change my attitude. I take leave of my wise mind and turn back into that terrified, battered, raped child over and over. What really works to find comfort from this storm? I ask and ask my therapist please tell me what to do to be able to comfort myself. Now I forget what he would say. Something to the effect of getting grounded, stimulate my prefrontal lobe that soothes the limbic system. I get the theory, it’s the actually doing it that I forget.

It’s snowing out that will change over to rain later. I’d rather not drive to the doctor but I need to get this pus out of my body. I wish I had someone that cared about me, help me negotiate my manic brain. And here’s the thing, I decided that I would work on my phobia of being in the woods alone ( bad bad things happened to me in the woods). When my dogs were alive and large breeds I felt protected and could snowshoe alone but Annie weighs 12 pounds and I don’t think she would deter the boogie man. So irrational.,
 
Doctor was very kind. He said he gets coughed on all the time. When I was a Radiographer I’d get spit on, puked on, but never ever did my skins integrity get compromised. Anyway he said it is healing and I’m gonna get some myderma so it leaves no scar. You can find it in the first aid section. It’s kind of expensive but it works. Myderma. Good stuff.

Now it’s time for a nap. I have been awake since 1am. Sleep please come to me.
 
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