So, bear with me, this introduction is difficult for me. It feels very ... private. I also am drinking my fifth beer right now, which becomes important later on.
"Timelord Victorious?" you might ask. "Wtf is that?"
It is a plotline in the british sci-fi show Doctor Who, that I love alot. It helped me to accept PTSD before I even knew it was a thing, because it is a big point of the characterization. I strongly relate to stories, they were my true caregivers when I was a little child and, then, a bigger child. The parents i never had. It is really lovely done, and I strongly believe it saved my life. Anyway...
The Doctor is the kindest, smartest, most brilliant man (well; Alien. He is from a race called the Timelords. He travels through time and space with a timemachine he "borrowed") one could imagine. He knows suffering, and thus wants to help end it. In the beginning of the "restart" of the show, 2005, he obviously suffers from PTSD. The one in the clip I would like you to watch is another Doctor, the next regeneration. The Doctor does not die, he regenerates, into a different personality and a different body. Now I know, why I so immensly strongly reacted to this series and the concept of regeneration, people with dissociative symptoms of PTSD can relate, I hope. The Doctor in the clip is the 2nd of the restart of the series, and the actor strongly, in my opinion, portrayed the wish to be freed from the past, without actually having processed it. He was childish and angry. No forgiveness, no understanding, just supression.
The clip is when his journey comes to an end. The viewers knew, he had only a few episodes left, this Doctor, before he would be gone forever. Dying, in his own wierd way. It is a heartbreaking event for a fan of a version of the Doctor to see him go. But, when all thought his biggest adventures, his grandest quests, would come to an end this happens:
And it chills me to my bones.
You see, I have what I consider a Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I would not say I have alternating personalites, but I definately have varying personality states. That is what I call them. They have there own memories, but dont seem to have that hard edge that is needed for Dissociative Identidy Disorder. Mind you, I will only get an officla diagnosis in 6 weeks.
I can deal with them. But then the manic one comes. The one who things he is better then anybody he knows. The one who considers himself a winner, not a survivor. The one who is sure he can do anything. This personality state is by far the most destructive one. My sense of selfworth becomes a weapon that I use to supress and dominate.
"Noone should have that much power!"
"Tough."
My demeanor gets hard and cruel. I then know I am the best in the world, and the toughest, and probably the smartest.
"For a long time now I thought I was just a survivor but I am not. I am the winner. That is who i am."
"Is there nothing you can't do?"
"Not anymore."
And, I swear to god, that is how I feel at those moments. I feel .... invincible.
It is incredible destructive. I start to drink, a lot, I do not even like to drink alot. But then, I do. ... without care for my partner. I feel like he is just a small idiot, who cares for his stupid thoughts?
Please, dont hate me for saying that. I do not feel that way now, and I never would, but sometimes I do.
"This is wrong Doctor. I do not care who you are."
"That is for me to decide."
:(
I need help with that behavior, with that personality that emerges. I think a personality so strong and self centered was necessary for me, once, but now I want to be able to manage it.
And it gets worse...
"I have gone too far. Is this it? My death?
Is it time?"
That just goes right into my feelings, my life, my experiences. I am very traumized by death. Death was always there and took everything I knew. Again, and again. And that this clip ends that way, it just ... ... .... gets to me. Like this is the road I am traveling on.
Thank you for listening. I think most of all I needed to express my feelings. This was very helpfull. Thanks. Any input much appreciated.
"Timelord Victorious?" you might ask. "Wtf is that?"
It is a plotline in the british sci-fi show Doctor Who, that I love alot. It helped me to accept PTSD before I even knew it was a thing, because it is a big point of the characterization. I strongly relate to stories, they were my true caregivers when I was a little child and, then, a bigger child. The parents i never had. It is really lovely done, and I strongly believe it saved my life. Anyway...
The Doctor is the kindest, smartest, most brilliant man (well; Alien. He is from a race called the Timelords. He travels through time and space with a timemachine he "borrowed") one could imagine. He knows suffering, and thus wants to help end it. In the beginning of the "restart" of the show, 2005, he obviously suffers from PTSD. The one in the clip I would like you to watch is another Doctor, the next regeneration. The Doctor does not die, he regenerates, into a different personality and a different body. Now I know, why I so immensly strongly reacted to this series and the concept of regeneration, people with dissociative symptoms of PTSD can relate, I hope. The Doctor in the clip is the 2nd of the restart of the series, and the actor strongly, in my opinion, portrayed the wish to be freed from the past, without actually having processed it. He was childish and angry. No forgiveness, no understanding, just supression.
The clip is when his journey comes to an end. The viewers knew, he had only a few episodes left, this Doctor, before he would be gone forever. Dying, in his own wierd way. It is a heartbreaking event for a fan of a version of the Doctor to see him go. But, when all thought his biggest adventures, his grandest quests, would come to an end this happens:
And it chills me to my bones.
You see, I have what I consider a Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I would not say I have alternating personalites, but I definately have varying personality states. That is what I call them. They have there own memories, but dont seem to have that hard edge that is needed for Dissociative Identidy Disorder. Mind you, I will only get an officla diagnosis in 6 weeks.
I can deal with them. But then the manic one comes. The one who things he is better then anybody he knows. The one who considers himself a winner, not a survivor. The one who is sure he can do anything. This personality state is by far the most destructive one. My sense of selfworth becomes a weapon that I use to supress and dominate.
"Noone should have that much power!"
"Tough."
My demeanor gets hard and cruel. I then know I am the best in the world, and the toughest, and probably the smartest.
"For a long time now I thought I was just a survivor but I am not. I am the winner. That is who i am."
"Is there nothing you can't do?"
"Not anymore."
And, I swear to god, that is how I feel at those moments. I feel .... invincible.
It is incredible destructive. I start to drink, a lot, I do not even like to drink alot. But then, I do. ... without care for my partner. I feel like he is just a small idiot, who cares for his stupid thoughts?
Please, dont hate me for saying that. I do not feel that way now, and I never would, but sometimes I do.
"This is wrong Doctor. I do not care who you are."
"That is for me to decide."
:(
I need help with that behavior, with that personality that emerges. I think a personality so strong and self centered was necessary for me, once, but now I want to be able to manage it.
And it gets worse...
"I have gone too far. Is this it? My death?
Is it time?"
That just goes right into my feelings, my life, my experiences. I am very traumized by death. Death was always there and took everything I knew. Again, and again. And that this clip ends that way, it just ... ... .... gets to me. Like this is the road I am traveling on.
Thank you for listening. I think most of all I needed to express my feelings. This was very helpfull. Thanks. Any input much appreciated.