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Timelord Victorious; Or My Darkest Side

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Mallaky

MyPTSD Pro
So, bear with me, this introduction is difficult for me. It feels very ... private. I also am drinking my fifth beer right now, which becomes important later on.

"Timelord Victorious?" you might ask. "Wtf is that?"

It is a plotline in the british sci-fi show Doctor Who, that I love alot. It helped me to accept PTSD before I even knew it was a thing, because it is a big point of the characterization. I strongly relate to stories, they were my true caregivers when I was a little child and, then, a bigger child. The parents i never had. It is really lovely done, and I strongly believe it saved my life. Anyway...

The Doctor is the kindest, smartest, most brilliant man (well; Alien. He is from a race called the Timelords. He travels through time and space with a timemachine he "borrowed") one could imagine. He knows suffering, and thus wants to help end it. In the beginning of the "restart" of the show, 2005, he obviously suffers from PTSD. The one in the clip I would like you to watch is another Doctor, the next regeneration. The Doctor does not die, he regenerates, into a different personality and a different body. Now I know, why I so immensly strongly reacted to this series and the concept of regeneration, people with dissociative symptoms of PTSD can relate, I hope. The Doctor in the clip is the 2nd of the restart of the series, and the actor strongly, in my opinion, portrayed the wish to be freed from the past, without actually having processed it. He was childish and angry. No forgiveness, no understanding, just supression.

The clip is when his journey comes to an end. The viewers knew, he had only a few episodes left, this Doctor, before he would be gone forever. Dying, in his own wierd way. It is a heartbreaking event for a fan of a version of the Doctor to see him go. But, when all thought his biggest adventures, his grandest quests, would come to an end this happens:




And it chills me to my bones.

You see, I have what I consider a Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I would not say I have alternating personalites, but I definately have varying personality states. That is what I call them. They have there own memories, but dont seem to have that hard edge that is needed for Dissociative Identidy Disorder. Mind you, I will only get an officla diagnosis in 6 weeks.

I can deal with them. But then the manic one comes. The one who things he is better then anybody he knows. The one who considers himself a winner, not a survivor. The one who is sure he can do anything. This personality state is by far the most destructive one. My sense of selfworth becomes a weapon that I use to supress and dominate.
"Noone should have that much power!"
"Tough."
My demeanor gets hard and cruel. I then know I am the best in the world, and the toughest, and probably the smartest.

"For a long time now I thought I was just a survivor but I am not. I am the winner. That is who i am."
"Is there nothing you can't do?"
"Not anymore."

And, I swear to god, that is how I feel at those moments. I feel .... invincible.
It is incredible destructive. I start to drink, a lot, I do not even like to drink alot. But then, I do. ... without care for my partner. I feel like he is just a small idiot, who cares for his stupid thoughts?
Please, dont hate me for saying that. I do not feel that way now, and I never would, but sometimes I do.

"This is wrong Doctor. I do not care who you are."
"That is for me to decide."

:(

I need help with that behavior, with that personality that emerges. I think a personality so strong and self centered was necessary for me, once, but now I want to be able to manage it.

And it gets worse...

"I have gone too far. Is this it? My death?
Is it time?"

That just goes right into my feelings, my life, my experiences. I am very traumized by death. Death was always there and took everything I knew. Again, and again. And that this clip ends that way, it just ... ... .... gets to me. Like this is the road I am traveling on.




Thank you for listening. I think most of all I needed to express my feelings. This was very helpfull. Thanks. Any input much appreciated.
 
Remember that this is the Doctor without companions. He needs NEEDS friends - even the Doctor. Everyone needs friends to keep them honest - to point out what we've lost track of - or never had the self-awareness of to begin with. Your friends can save you from the Time Lord Victorious. It is hard to have such a "bit" that comes out - invincibility is a very adolescent kind of coping mechanism - and it is particularly scary NOT to be invincible. This part needs (Ironically!) reassurance.

If you think about the Master... and how he tries to deal with his fears and grief - and how that so totally doesn't work or help him at all... It seems like world domination would help... but it doesn't it just makes it worse. I don't know if you can communicate that (over and over and over in different ways, and with different experiences where giving up control comes out right) to this bit... but the "stuck bits" or dissociated parts can learn and integrate and you can get better.

Does your partner know what is going on? Have coping strategies to deal with you when you are in these other parts?
 
Wow. Just wow. Thank you for your amazing response. I did not think that this drunken-insanity post would get any response and then, what you wrote, really is so helpfull.

I especially agree that
invincibility is a very adolescent kind of coping mechanism
So, so true. I think that helps me the most, to realize how childish, or childlike this state is. Everything about my behaviour becomes irresponsible and childish. I have some ideas now where that part is coming from and whats it purpose was. Knowing that helped me alot with my agressive personality state.

Our coping strategy so far was "Lets go seperate ways until I am sane again." Worked well for him, but I tend to do stupid nonsense. Like getting drunk.

I think I will not call that personality state by some glorious name anymore, but I call it what it is: Idiot teenage dumbass self. Teenagers have the right to be very dumb, I believe. :)

"And Gandalf said: "May the force be with you, Kirk."
 
Very interesting stuff. Eleanor's response about this idenitity being adolescent struck a cord with me as well. I have an identity like this, but I usually just call her The Ice Queen. She is packed with bitterness, vengefulness, and lack empathy or remorse. She replaces these with avoidance and numbing.

I always coped with compartmentalization of identity by writing stories of my different "parts" or "aspects." When I was freaking out about something or other as a teen, I would write a scene about them all in a room, talking about the problem I was having. The room they gathered in became the place I go when I am dissociating badly, a stone cellar. Strange, because the majority of my abuse occurred in basements. All different kinds of basements.

Interesting food for thought. My darkest side is also invincible and cruel. I've wrongly cherished it, though. It feels like a powerful place.
 
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