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Tired and Frustrated - My Child Moves In, Relationship Goes To Custard Again

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by desert4now, Feb 1, 2007.

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  1. desert4now

    desert4now Active Member

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    Hello All,
    It's been a long time since my last post...October maybe? Missed you. Life got busy.....I guess we were on one of our many rollercoaster rides too. Things had been going pretty well since then until about 2 weeks ago. My son moved back with us and the change in our day to day lives has changed my husband's personality. Or should I say, bigger changes in our lives, good or bad, directly affect my husband's personality. Don't get me wrong, my son is a great kid and was welcomed back with open arms...or so I thought. There is so much stress in the house now. I think J (my husband) resents my son, my daughter too seems to be jealous. Not sure where it all comes from. Needless to say I'm stressed to the max. Did I mention we are still living in a 2 bdrm apt until our house is ready? There is no space...no room to breathe. My son feels the tension and is blaming himself. I see things spiraling out of control. J has turned quiet and very cold again. He says things to me that he knows cuts me deep. How can we be going good for so long and have something change our lives so quickly, so needlessly. I'm not sleeping, J is working nights and not sleeping much either. J purposely taunts my son. I'm always caught in between. I am empty and beaten. :drugs: Seriously, I feel like I just don't want to feel anything at all. Why can't happiness last for more than a few moments?
    J will never seek any kind of help. He just says that he is who he is and I just have to deal with it. I'm nautious and so tired. The rollercoaster is killing me today. We had the strangest conversation tonight that went from daily chit chat to empty cold painful words in two seconds flat. That is part of the problem...his words take me off guard....hit me when I"m not looking. Oh God I hurt.
    I know you are all here facing similar things..I'm sorry to babble...just so lost tonight. Trying to find a way to keep it together for my kids sake. They need stability and I have to find a way to give that to them.
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Well, you could apply this to my life apparently, as Kerrie said to me the other day that everything was fine until a year ago, where my son moved in with us, apparently she was ok with it too, but soon discovered she wasn't, thus all the aggression and heightened issues surrounding our own marriage. Say one thing, do another. Interesting how people work!!!

    I struggle to understand I guess, because I just love kids, regardless of mine or anothers, young or teenage, kids are innocent, they need adults to help guide them in life, to protect them and ensure they feel safe, yet they will argue black and blue as a teenager they don't need it, but they do. Why aren't all people like this? Well, I can better than actually, I never used to be, but after having to pull myself so far apart from my own PTSD, I have certainly become that way nowadays. I have changed this part of me from where I had resentment towards others children, to now very accepting of all and any children. Interesting....
     
  4. desert4now

    desert4now Active Member

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    Thanks Anthony. It's like life is hard enough but then it seems additional crap keeps adding to the daily troubles. Talked to hubby and he admits his problems but then passes it to me and says I have to make sure he does things right. Like I'm his mother and I have to tell him right from wrong. Not my job...I have two kids already who don't listen to me when I try to guide them...why do I need to "mother" a grown man??? Then it becomes my problem again. Weird.

    Hope you and yours are doing okay. I haven't had much chance to catch up on all the posts but from what I read...things have been tough. Hang in there and again, thank you for this place.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    That has to be the biggest crock of shit statement I have heard in some time... you need to tell him to wakeup to himself. I totally agree with you, your not his mother, and even if you where, its not her job either to make sure he does things right. Talk about ignore self responsibility... geez, what next, want you to wipe his arse for him?
     
  6. desert4now

    desert4now Active Member

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    I know its a crock of shit. Amen. He is very talented in shifting blame and responsibility. I can't buy it anymore. I just have to figure out how to respond to statements like that ....I need to be quicker on my feet with a comeback. I'm tired tonight and tired of thinking and replaying the scenes over in my head. I would really like peace.
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Easy statements:

    # How old are you again?
    # Do you pay me for handicap services?
    # Are you handicapped? No... Then get of your arse and do it yourself.

    I could do this all night....
     
  8. Lee

    Lee Member

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    Hi desert. You sound a lot like my situation. Read my intro. When I let W move back in first time he was exactly like that "It's not my fault", "help me to be better"....same..same ...I had three kids and a full time job. Now he has one bad aain I am at wits ed...don't need 4th 'adult' child to look after. I know I should be suportivae, and I am of his depression but he gets really nasty with it and lays all the bame for his issues on the children and I. I wish I didn't love the 'good' him so much...it would be so much easier. !! Hang in and keep posting..it's helping me. X
     
  9. desert4now

    desert4now Active Member

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    Blah blah blah

    That represents two things....how I feel and the shit that comes out of the hubby's mouth on a daily basis. :crybaby: Funny today he came up with the term emotionally abusive....he admitted he was and then it was followed by a shrug,,,that is just how he is. It was just weird that he labeled himself and I have never said those words out loud. I have started counseling but I'm not liking it much and I think I'll quit....I see a regular doc on Friday...may try antidepressents again. Didn't want to but now all I know is I can't continue feeling like I do....I have thoughts of checking out permanently. I won't because of my kids but everything hurts so much right now. I talked about going back to the VA and the PTSD which he definitely admits he has but still won't do anything about it. Ugh help me.
     
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    May I ask why you don't like counselling and what your reasoning is for quitting?

    bec
     
  11. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Desert why dont you give the counselling another go and see how you feel. You never know that one more visit may help you with your feelings.
    Jen
     
  12. desert4now

    desert4now Active Member

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    She wants me to bring him into counseling too. Even gets pushy about it. He won't do it for himself, he certainly won't do it for me. She also gives me the indication that if I don't like how he's treating me than I should just leave him. I don't want to leave him. I went there to gain my own strength and instead I feel like she's asking me to do things I have no strength to do. I feel more zapped than when I went in to begin with. Today is bad. I asked Hubby to just stop doing one thing to me that I feel is verbally abusive and he won't stop. Says he can't. He says I am to judge him by his actions and not his words.
     
  13. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I would suggest writing down your concerns about the counsellor, how you feel and discuss it with her. She may not be aware that you are percieving things that way. Remember she is still human. She can not mind read and unless you are honest with her, she will have no idea there is an issue. I would suggest talking this out with her..

    As for you hubby, get a damn tape recorder and record what he is saying and doing.. then later, when all is calm, let him listen to it. Explain to him how these Behaviors and Actions are affecting you and how you feel when he does them. Pick ONE thing to work on at a time. Encourage him to be open and honest about ONE thing you do that affects him adversely and work on it together.

    bec
     
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