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To ask or not to ask... for a phone call

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Justmehere

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Contacted my therapist in a bad spot last week. She texted back to sort of say she couldn’t talk. We don’t text often, only once in a blue moon. It’s alwayd weird and kinda messes with my head somehow. I avoid it like the plague - she encourages it’s always ok to ask for a phone call.

Anyhow... she said she can’t talk for 8 hours... then she texted me a grocery list for a get together with a friend, by accident.

She quickly apologized and it’s totally fine, it happens. I’ve done something like that before. But kinda felt bad.

I texted her back to say how bad things were, not really sure what I wanted anymore.

She suggested a coping tool, which is good...

Here I am a few days later, struggling to get through. Things are bad.

Not sure if I should ask for a call again or not. It’s the weekend, I have no clue about her boundaries with any of this, other than “it’s always ok to ask.”

I’ll live if we don’t talk, and I’m not sure why I want to talk so badly. I really avoid contact between sessions because of bad experiences with my previous therapist. That old therapist pursued me and initiated a lot of contact with me between sessions trying to help resolve attachment wounds and be supportive. With this therapist, I’ve been processing through that bad experience a little, and maybe that’s all stirred up. It feels like a super compulsive desire to connect.

Not really sure what to do.
 
This is a case of, it's so much easier to give advice than take my own advice. It sounds like it would be a good idea to ask. I will add one caveat, if for some reason she is unavailable, and can't talk or respond quickly to your text, can you handle that? If not, muddle through. If you can, let her have her own boundaries. That's part of what a good T relationship teaches us, is we don't have to be mind-readers. People we are with can and should set boundaries. And a boundary is not a complete rejection. So ask, and if it's not ok (which I very highly doubt) she will let you know.

You aren't making a habit of doing tthis and you are clearly struggling. So, getting some support from her might be a good idea.

PS- I'm sorry you are struggling so much

PPS- I was just debating contact my therapist.
 
I feel completely abandoned by my T right now and it is my fault, I think. So my advice would be to not talk to her until your next appointment if you can handle it. Only saying that because if she can’t talk, the rejection may just trigger a whole bunch of other bad feelings. Any other week, I would probably tell you to ask to talk with her.
 
I think a possibility would be to text something along the lines of, "I know it's the weekend, but I'm really needing to ask for support right now."
And a boundary is not a complete rejection. So ask, and if it's not ok (which I very highly doubt) she will let you know.
Very much agree.

I am fortunate in that my T understands that when/if I'm sending a weekend txt or email, things are going very badly, and even if she responds that she's not immediately available, it is still somewhat grounding. That said, I would've been bothered by the grocery list :(
 
I would try a coping skill first, and then if it does not work write what you'd want to say to your therapist in session on paper or a word document. Try to organize a few thoughts of what's upsetting you the most, and then ask yourself if you still feel you need to text to address this stuff immediately.

My therapist does not do e-mail or texts between sessions, however I am allowed to call to book for something sooner, if available. I did once and she urged me not to do it again. I likely could've waited but my logic was, 'well, I have the support now..why not access it'? Ultimately their goal is to help us learn to manage this stuff on our own. So, I do my best to do my part first. If I'm SERIOUSLY struggling then I'll call for support. But if not, I try and then I will let the therapist know that I felt so crummy that I was tempted to call for an earlier session. Usually when I say something like that she will go through things we have talked about to help with that kind of situation...9/10 there were things I could've practiced to help me calm down, but didn't (and that is totally okay. Therapy is like PTSD school. We learn what it is, and how to manage it. Using skills at home during crappy times is like doing your homework. It's annoying as hell, and no one wants to do it, but extra practice never hurts).
 
Ok .Please understand I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm honestly confused because I don't have contact with my T on her days off. The clinic has an emergency after hours line but it doesn't necessarily go to her.

And I get that a lot of therapists offer to be available during a crisis after hours which I think that is fantastic.

But. What about their days off? If they are at a family gathering or the movies or on a date I'm not sure I would expect them to drop everything and call me right that second

Yours was obviously in the middle of something ..which explains the grocery list. She told you she could talk in 8 hours. She set a boundary and asked you to respect it. Which you did. But you didn't call her back after the 8 hours

Now it is days later and you want to call her but wont. Why not? If she has offered and she is available she will answer. If she's not available she will tell you that too. So?????

I'm guessing I'm missing a huge part of the delima?
 
Her saying she couldn’t talk because she had a thing for 8 hours was confusing. I never really asked, ok, so can you talk after that? Because I figured I’d either pull it together by then or be in the ER.

I pulled it together enough...

The hard thing is that I will live if we don’t talk, I am ok if she says no... and yet I want to talk to her. I had to cancel my appointment this week because of having the flu, and I really needed to be seen... but didn’t want to get her sick.

I have an appointment in two days, just two days...

I’m struggling so much, it’s down to counting the minutes. Just making it 15 minutes at a time.

I’m not sure why I want to talk to her so badly. I have a million and a half coping tools. They are all good. It’s just been really hard and I very compulsively want to be heard? That seems messed up. She of all people needs to take care of herself and have time off too.

She says she can manage her own boundaries but I’ve heard that before from a therapist who didn’t.

I texted. I asked for the call. I don’t think it’s coming. I’m worried I’ve burned her out.
 
Like @Justmehere I have similar struggles. I hate asking.. It can trigger my, "I'm a burden" thoughts. It's also confusing. I will play head games with myself, where I try to decide if I *need* to. Only if it's a legitimate need can I call. So, I waited the 8 hours and I coped, I'd start thinking obviously I didn't really need to call, right? I'd spend days going in circles over that. And, as JustMe mentioned, I will tell myself since I'm not going to die, I don't actually need to.

But it's such a catch 22, because part of coping skills is learning to apply them early on before things build up and you are taking things 15 minutes at a time. A coping skill is learning to ask for help when you need it. And yes, part of therapy is teaching you to manage your emotions, thoughts, symptoms on your own, but another part is teaching you to build healthy relationships and support networks. No one does things completely alone and if you are a person who struggles to ask for help, asking for extra support from your therapist is part of building future independence. Eventually you can do it with folks other than your therapist. Learning to ask before things are at a crisis point is a healthy life skill. And if you are taking things 15 minutes at a time, Id say you are at a crisis point.
 
Just because she’ll say no sometimes, doesn’t mean you should never ask.

She said it’s okay to ask. So it’s okay to ask. :tup:

You know my spiel here ;) But I’m repeating it anyway : When asking? (Whether you’re the one asking or being asked) No is always an okay answer :D Otherwise it’s not an ask, it’s an order or demand. Of the 4 possible answers (yes, no, maybe, alternate/counter)... NONE of them change the rules. Being told no doesn’t mean asking isn’t okay. Being told yes doesn’t mean asking is okay. Ditto, just like being told no doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the question, being told no doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. The answer to a question doesn’t reflect on the person, or bend time and space. It’s just an answer. Simple. Straightforward. Nothing to read into.

Unless you’re dealing with a passive aggressive, codependent, or abusive asshole who <insert convoluted mess :confused: of lessons learned in abuse & unhealthy relationships here>

But T isn’t one of those things, right? You can trust her to mind her own boundaries and tell you if calling isn’t okay. No mind reading required.
 
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