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To Have Therapy Or Not?

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Meadowsweet

MyPTSD Pro
Last time I had therapy, it was cut short (by my therapist) because she didn't feel experienced enough to deal with the way I compartmentalize myself and the dissociation I experience sometimes. She recognised it as a coping mechanism that enables me to function in different aspects of my life, and she was concerned that trauma work could destabilize that and leave me unable to function enough to do the things I need to do.

Since not being in therapy, I feel that I've improved a lot. When I feel off balance, I do the things I've learned, like grounding and relaxation. But I also feel more accepting about compartmentalizing myself, because it does enable me to function at work and at home - just not socially. I drink a bit more often than I should (but not excessively) and I eat more than i should, and I recognise that these are emotional comforts. But generally speaking I'm well and positive.

But a couple of weeks ago, the rape and sexual abuse center my old therapist referred me to, got in touch. They left a message saying they are now able to offer me therapy. But I haven't returned the call, because I don't want to talk about it anymore, I just want to get on with my life.

But yesterday something someone said (or the way they said it) brought on some quite vivid memories. I thought it had eased slightly today, and went out to the shop. But in the shop everything became very unreal and I had to leave.

I slept all afternoon, and had a cry, so I'll probably be ok for ages now. But it's left me thinking about whether therapy would help, or whether it would just make things worse.

Opinions and advice would be gratefully received.
 
Hi meadowsweet,

I actually remember you discussing your past experiences. I have many contradictory feelings about therapy so relate in some respects. I am coming to terms with the fact that all therapy destabilises me. Just having to trust someone in a context like this seems to do the job. But what I have also come to believe is that the only way to get to a place where I am truly able to trust others and build some proper faith in the world would be to have therapy again.

Maybe its like dealing with the actual trauma. It feels worse first but the idea is to get to a place where things are better and we are not just managing symptoms and fire fighting.

From listening to others it seems these things don't go away until they are properly dealt with. We can lean new ways of coping and make things fairly quiet but it isn't a real solution as the next thing that rocks the boat can make all the carefully stored "stuff" fall off the shelf.

Just remember that the therapy you had was not suitable. It was with someone under qualified who knew it.

I was thinking about my situation the other day and thought that what I am presently doing is standing really still and not moving or breathing or speaking so as to keep things quiet. It feels Ok in some senses as I am better than I have been. But maybe it is settling for a very much lessor way of living and I am vulnerable to being knocked off my perch by the next slight breeze that blows my way.

Thats when I think there is anything to deal with of course!:rolleyes: Most of the time I am convinced that there is nothing and I am fine. I am also good at compartmentalising.

PS. Just adding a post script after reading what Piratelady said.

I would also not want to do trauma work for at least a while. I would need to work on trust first and the things PL mentioned. The tricky part I found is that the charities that are specifically for trauma are quite firmly pushy when it comes to getting one to deal with that stuff. If I had to go back into that environment again I would be quite firm about what I did and did not want to do. I'm not sure how that would be received. One would hope well.
 
Maybe therapy would be a good idea, but with a different focus. In my therapy now, the trauma is not the primary focus. First we talk about any bad things/struggles since my last appointment. Sometimes, those struggles revolve around a trauma. In that case, we do talk a bit about the trauma. Otherwise we talk about goals, successes, and establishing things I can do to better handle similar struggles going forward.

I have found this format for my therapy to be immensely helpful. It has helped to reduce some of my triggers and to strengthen my ability to cope when something does go awry. I guess I'm saying, maybe therapy would be good, but with a slightly different focus?
 
I have had two sessions with a self-esteem coach since leaving therapy, and it has made a huge difference to my outlook on life. For most of the time, I don't feel hopeless and I don't feel I'm depressed anymore. But, though they are mild compared to what they were, I still have PTSD symptoms and de-realisation and I can never fully be myself because everything is so compartmented.

But I don't know of much evidence that shows that therapy would get rid of these symptoms.

If I could pick and choose, I would probably say that now isn't a good time for therapy. But in the UK, with no money, I feel like if I turn this offer down, I won't get another chance. I might already have missed the chance by ignoring the phone call.
 
I still have PTSD symptom
I am assuming from what you said that you have not worked through your traumas. From what I know the only real way to truly get the intrusive symptoms to go or reduce is to do so. And I think then hyperarousal, sleep etc all improve automatically. I have also experienced how an improvement in general levels of trust (acquired as a result of the face to face therapy dynamic) has cooled down my symptoms.

I have had less treatment for trauma as it is still a new realisation for me but I have experienced great improvement in my symptoms that would fall under the "complex trauma" realm. Improved sense of self, hugely improved self awareness; greatly reduced self destructiveness; improved dissociation and greatly improved coping skills.

de-realisation
If it wasn't for therapy I don't believe I would have ever been able to get to a point where I even realised what was happening to me; how things affected me in day to day life (and therefore could not protect myself from others) or how to even have a sense of having a "self".

I can never fully be myself because everything is so compartmented.
I have a very far way to go with this but if I compare it to how it was in the past the difference is astounding. I will take credit for that as I worked very hard and used therapy well but I don't believe I would have been able to do without therapy.

I will add that just as therapy has the power to heal and help it also has power to harm when it goes wrong. So it is worthwhile being aware of what you don't want and when.

I think if you asked Anthony that he would heap evidence on your head. Even with such symptoms as dissociation dealing with the trauma is of ten a huge help. Personally I think that we always need to address unhelpful coping mechanisms directly as well as indirectly but I have seen many people who have their dissociative symptoms all but removed from dealing with the underlying issues.

Saying that I am all talk as have not been able to get myself back into therapy so I should be listening to my own words here.

The other thing I would consider is that we are likely to get reliably good treatment from a centre such as you describe. Last therapy I had it was the only way I felt safe enough to have therapy. These centres have rigid controls and monitoring, high levels of training and specific knowledge of trauma.

The one I went to very obviously knew what they were doing with this stuff. There were still things that I would ideally have liked to change but it was a safe environment regardless.
 
Tonight I sat for two hours re-dialling their number, until the phone line was closed, and didn't get through.

I'm left feeling like there's probably somebody with more need, and very very deflated.
 
Well having gone through all the feelings of guilt and expecting to be told that I don't deserve therapy because I avoided getting back to the therapist, and that there are people more worthy etc, I finally got through.

It seems unsurprising to me now, that the woman on the phone 'got it' completely that I had avoided getting in touch immediately. She was very reassuring, and someone should phone me again in the near future. So, silly me expecting the worst :rolleyes: . And thank you for the encouragement.
 
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