• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

To Kill Myself - One-day

Status
Not open for further replies.

Louise1988

New Here
After 19 years of PTSD, depression, anxiety and voices. I thought that I had won, "recovered". Then it became clear that it was all a facade. I am not recovered. I am nothing. I will not do this now, or maybe even soon. But I am sure I will die at my own hand. It came to me with absolute clarity as I drove home from seeing my parents. Since then I haven't stopped thinking about it. It is calm and not scary, until I look at the person I love and then I am consumed by horror. How I can think these things while he looks at me with those beautiful eyes?

I suppose I will say this during therapy. It sounds so strange, so melodramatic. I have no interest in the drama. It is EMDR therapy and not particularly preoccupied with my day to day feelings. But I will tell him because I can, there isn't much he can do- there is no immediate threat to my life. I have tried so many times before but there has been a 5 year break from all of that and hospitals etc. I won't flag anything up. It will be nice to say it.
 
Last edited:
I can offer, that I found my EMDR therapists did not offer enough depth of relationship to pull me out of and through the level of trauma that EMDR brought forth.

To save myself, I stopped EMDR Therapy. The. I found a therapist who-was about forming a deep and supportive relationship, who could be 'with' me, and empower me through, the day to day triggers.

It has been a less triggering approach, that I recommend.
EMDR is not for everybody; it can be harmful, to certain people. I am one. May you are, too?
 
Hi Louise,

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way following your recovery.
Is there anything that could have triggered these feelings? Like seeing your parents or on the drive home?

It sounds like you share a lot of love with the person you mention... are you able to talk to them about what you are going through?

Just know that we've all been there; had set-backs following a steady period of recovery, normally triggered by something conscious or within our sub-conscious.

I'm glad you came to this forum for support, don't stop talking, there are a lot of amazing people who I'm sure will post more replies soon.
Sending you :hug:'s.
 
Heya.. Number one, welcome to the forums.

But I think we've all been there at some point. Honestly I think everyone everywhere is, sooner or later. I'm sorry that this is blowing up again for you, but you can get through it and back to normal. I sometimes worry about the same things. A suicidal end. Sometimes I wonder if that's really how it's going to end, too. I mean, not now. But later.. (hopefully decades later).. I've had such a strong impetus for so long that it's actually gotten boring over the years. "Kill yourself..." "Not now, I'm busy! :laugh:" The doctors don't even seem to push the issue anymore. They ask, "Are you suicidal?" And I sometimes answer, "No more than normal." because it's been going on for about 30 years now. I guess what I'm saying is, even though it is terrifying now, even if it persists, you can still function despite it.

But it does make me wonder. The main reason that I always tell myself is that it would utterly destroy my parents, particularly my mother. It would be the most grievous blow to them. I expect it would be really rough on my nieces too. I know it weirded me out when my uncle did it. Then to a lesser degree I think of my friends... Even though I don't believe it at the time, there actually are dozens of people that this would effect, not counting extended family.

But still, yeah it comes up in my mind sometimes. I can always think of plenty of logical reasons, but I know those are indicative of abnormal thinking, so I try to discount them. Keep this in mind. No healthy animal will intentionally hurt itself. That applies to humans too.
 
  • Like
Reactions: C j
I think I've said that to myself several thousand times. And I didn't for the same reasons.

This applies to me and may or may not apply to you. Over the past year and more, I came to the conclusion that whenever I get a lot of suicidal ideation, I have this fantasy of someone saving me. But not necessarily me in the here and now, but also me as a hurt little boy. In other words, the fantasy about dying has a lot to do with the young me wanting so badly for someone to notice how much I hurt inside and come and save me from the monster across the road, etc. It's the biggest, bitterest, most jagged pill I've ever had to swallow: realizing that no one will come to save me, that I have to save myself.
 
@Saetva

Hello Saetva, thank you for your reply. I agree, to an extent about the EMDR, I have been doing it for nearly a year and I like my therapist well enough but he is very careful not to react too much to what I say, it is one of the things I quite like about him. I don't want our sessions to get taken up with what I am thinking and feeling each day as I am worried I won't ever move forward. I am also seeing my psych this week, but I don't think I will mention it to both of them. Thanks :)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
  • Like
Reactions: C j
@Go Hungry

Thanks, Go Hungry, for your reply.

I know that a lot of what you said is true. I have said a lot of this before myself. I definitely got really bored with all of the hospital admissions etc. I had a wonderful psych nurse who said to me that I had "never invested in life, only death". So gradually and tentatively I set about doing that and now, to my amazement I look around and I have a life.

The clarity I feel was brought about by a trigger - my mother - but what i was really reminded of was that I had now was built on a fabricated selfhood. That deeply nothing.

"I guess what I'm saying is, even though it is terrifying now, even if it persists, you can still function despite it". That is a different sentiment - one I have felt, sure, but this feeling is different. I feel more that now it is just a matter of building the energy to actually do it.

Hopefully it will pass, because I have no wish to hurt others, but it will depend on whether I can build enough of a sense of self to feel like a person worthy of living.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
@Harley. Q

Hello Harley,

Thank you for your warm message. Seeing my mother at the weekend was the trigger, she said some awful things and the backlash has been catastrophic. I very much love my boyfriend, but I couldn't bare to talk to him about this. I hope that I will be able to fight all over again, but I do feel like I have done that and used any resource that I can find.

I am going to try to hold on to the fact that set backs happen.

Louise
 
Last edited by a moderator:
OMG Louise. You are special. Take really good care of yourself and tell me, what is it you like to do that you really enjoy doing?

Whatever. It is, try and do it tonight...

For me it's knitting. crazy maybe, but knitting gets me through those dark times.......

I don't know you, but sending lots of hugs your way xxx. Take GOOD care of yourself.......
 
I am going to try to hold on to the fact that set backs happen.

Yes do try to hold on to that Louise. And if you do ever feel like you are ready to take your life then please, get yourself into the 'Chat' room, there are ALWAYS fellow sufferers there who will drop everything to talk through your thoughts with you. We all exist here to help one another :hug:.
In the meantime, just keep on talking, I wish for you that it never gets to the point where you feel not worthy to live.
Try to think of your mother as being 'nothing' and someone who is not worthy of the feelings she is making you suffer, you on the other hand - surviving your trauma and living with PTSD and having a boyfriend who loves you - are definitely something :)

ps. @InlovewithaPTSDvet is totally right about finding something you enjoy. It may feel like a chore at first that you just don't have the energy to get in to, but take that first step and find something you can love doing that is just for you :photogenic: :bookworm: :headphone: ...chicken keeping became my thing because I was scared to go outside so getting me into the garden was the first step and as an animal lover I was totally distracted by the chicks, and now days out are always planned around wildlife and bird watching (even if that's not the primary activity, i.e. going camping / canoeing / on a bike ride - luckily wildlife is everywhere and trying to spot it has become like a big safety bubble that protects me from the rest of the world whenever I get anxious or have a trigger) :chicken: :inlove:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Yes, we do have set backs and I've felt the hopelessness. We do not choose our parents and I'm sorry for the pain you have endured. But you reaching out is brave. You are not a no one dear @Louise1988 . You are brave, strong and loved. I hope you will remember this and find an enjoyable distraction that brings you peace.
 
After 19 years of PTSD, depression, anxiety and voices. I thought that I had won, "recovered". Then i...
I feel the same, and your post was exactly what I needed. I too am very calm now about suicide. I'm no longer in that stage of asking anymore questions. Been thru many years of therapy. Thank you. I have a choice in my life. I have to control my own destiny. But.... for the folks who are getting it, I'm am very proud of you all.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top