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Told friend to let me back up

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Iyllsa

Confident
For those that have seen my multiple threads you'll know about my relationship with my friend.

She is an amazing friend. I've been told by multiple people different things, to have her leave me alone, to leave her alone, to not leave her at all..

In the past I have tried to put distance between her and I, but I couldn't get the message across correctly and she feared I was pushing her away.

Anyways, after some time thinking and last night I was dissociated, but could think clearly and see things subjectively and a lot more simply, I was able to understand things a lot better. While still in that mindset I texted my friend everything I meant and to clear things up.

I knew she couldn't handle it despite what she said. She always tells me she can handle it and to let her take care of herself, but what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't care for her? If I just used her like a tool, which she encouraged me to do.

Time and time again I tried putting space, I tried telling her I needed to not tell her about all this stuff, and she got even more worried. I didn't know what I was doing wrong and I knew continuing the communications about my mental health stressed her out... Finally last night I saw it clearly and I saw what I was missing.

At the moment, I clearly see that when I wish I could disappear I actually mean my "depressed self" and not my actual self, if that makes sense. I know that killing myself wouldn't fix anything, as much as I want to leave sometimes, and if anything would make things a billion times worse. I can't do that to my friend.. I love her too much.

So last night and then today I basically told her something like, "I know you want me to keep talking to you about my mental health. You're telling me what you want, but I'm telling you what you need and you need to let me give you space so that you can focus on yourself and taking care of yourself. Get better, let me get better separately.. I want to be able to support you and I know that me being in the mindset does not make me fully capable." and then other stuff about how I love her and care about her, and am going to stop listening to her wanting me to open up for her sake. I told her it was selfish of me to listen and do as she said because I knew I needed someone to talk to, but it was unfair to her. I told her that it was a burden and that it wasn't something she needs to handle.

I think I'm still dissociated because when I talk about my "depressed self" it really feels like I'm talking about someone else, and I'm glad I'm in this different mindset to be honest. I feel I can think clearly and can better help my friend. I am able to tell her in a very subjective/almost non-bias/blunt way how I'm seeing things. It's difficult when I'm depressed.

I wish she never told me that she could handle it. I always had issues opening up to people, but right now the people I need to open up to are professionals and others trained to handle it, not a close friend. I told her she's letting herself get sucked in and I'm watching, not knowing what to do. But now I do and I'm stopping her.

I am glad about the end result though. She said, "Thank you," and told me that she's so glad about me coming to that conclusion. I told her that I was working toward that conclusion but was difficult to think while in the depressive mindset. I wish she just told me straight out she couldn't handle it/anymore, but I understand why she wouldn't. I'm glad I finally changed mindsets so I could see this clearly and be able to explain to her while also putting a clear line.

Instead of her, it was me this time who set the boundaries. It's easier in this mindset.. I feel different. I don't feel like "my depressed self" but not exactly "me" either. I'm not sure what this is but I don't care. I'm just glad my friend is finally getting the treatment she deserves. I'm glad she can hopefully now feel relieved about me. Despite what she said, it was more of a burden for me to talk to her every time I was sad.

Before I thought I had to shut up and in order to do that I'd have to kill myself. But it's the depression I need to kill and the only way I can do that is by fixing it.

Last night, right when I started to dissociate I knew it was not a good mindset to be in and I said, "I can't wait until I revert. This isn't a good mindset." and it's like I pressed a button. I tend to say things more impulsively while in this mindset.

I said that and she replied with, "I'm not looking forward to it. I'm dreading it. You literally tell me you want to die every day. Do you know how f*cking hard that is for me to hear from the love of my life?"

That made me a bit frustrated with her. I didn't used to tell her every day I was sad, but then she asked me to. I warned her that if she does then she'll be hearing the same things over and over, which she tried to comfort me by saying, "then tell me the same things, I don't care."

She obviously didn't realize how heavy it would be, despite what she said. I did what she asked time and time again and I'm seeing it crushing her. I knew this from the start, but I didn't know who to listen to or what to do.

Now in this mindset, I do. I don't blame her for her wanting to do that. But now I know to not listen to her anymore, but rather to a professional. She spoke to her therapist about the situation with my therapist, all of the details, and her therapist agrees that I should change.

I made sure my friend gave an unbiased, as close to the truth as possible, explanation of what was going on. My friend's therapist passed on to her resources that I may find useful.

I hope I stay in this mindset longer as I feel determined to get over depression for my friend's sake. It's easier to think when in this mindset and I know if I go back to the previous mindset then I may either forget my conclusion or my thinking will become too clouded.

I want to add that I do understand what it's like to be told by someone I love about them struggling and wanting to die. Right now I feel incapable of feeling guilt or empathy, but I do remember it. I remember feeling unable to handle the guilt.

I find it kind of interesting and comforting to know that even in this mindset my friend's wellbeing is my top priority. I can't empathize for her right now, despite me being able to in the past. I can't feel guilty for my past actions toward her. I don't feel sad or happy or content. I find comfort because even though I'm incapable of empathizing for her, she is still a top priority to me and I'd still do anything to help her. I guess it may seem weird to those who are not experiencing this. To me, this mindset makes me feel like a monster or someone that is not "human." I was worried about opening up to my friend about this as it comes and goes as its own mindset, but at one point I did tell her and she was very accepting.

I told this to her and she's concerned, but I made sure to end it on a good note. She wants me to mention this to a doctor as well, when I find a new therapist.
 
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