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Other Too much stress and loneliness and hopelessness

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littlestars

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Since March I have gone down hill. I was doing really well, until I realized that I was surrounded by unsupportive, unhealthy people. It really wore into me because it dug into so many different wounds.

--A man that had mutual interest in me had hurt my feelings and instantly destroyed any attraction I had for him. I started to become depressed because this is a constant theme in my life, where I am a either rejected or disposable or simply worthless.
--Then a few weeks later I connected with an old friend of mine who I had not seen in nearly ten years. I had the biggest crush on him, but didn't do anything about it. We met for drinks and then I ended up at his place. He seemed to be really into me, but I was closed off and tried to open up but was really shy and unsure of how I felt. We had seen each other for a week and a half. I thought things were going well until out of nowhere he told me he couldn't be a boyfriend because he doesn't have money, he travels frequently, needs to be single, and he's crazy. He did tell me that I make him feel good and he enjoys my company though, and felt bad that he couldn't feed me when I came over or couldn't go out. We saw each other for about a month and a half after that. Then he would barely speak to me, but then wished me a happy birthday right after midnight. He would also ask me what I was up to, but never wanted to hang out. Then I messaged him once a day for three days with no response, so I stopped. Then he liked a picture of my dog and I on social media a few days later. I don't understand his actions, but I guess it was nothing. I didn't expect anything from him except to maybe see him once a week, which was becoming routine at first. It was the only time sex was enjoyable; probably because he's my friend and actually cared about me. I appreciated the comfort and company he brought to me, I just wish it would have lasted a little longer. Now I just don't care because I mean nothing to men, even if we were friends for twelve years.
--I was doing well in school (straight A's), but I started to fall apart mentally, emotionally, and physically from all kinds of stress (socially, school work, going to therapy, etc.). I'm still recovering. A lot of painful things had come up in therapy that I finally had the courage to confront. I also came to terms with how poorly I was treated and realized the reality of the abuse and other harmful experiences I went through.
--I realized that I don't have any real friends. They get off on my misery and aren't supportive. However, I did get a dog that comforts me... even though my stress level is extreme and I have thought about suicide quite frequently. I feel some sort of purpose and unconditional love. And my relationship with my mother is improving.
--I miss my brother that passed away. I didn't properly grieve him and I think the pain will always be intense. He was the only man that I trusted and that understood and loved me. We were close the way that twins are close and I always felt loved and accepted. I feel like what I do with my life should honor him, but I also feel so dreadfully hopeless; like nothing I do really matters. I feel lost without him and he was always there for me in times like these. I've gone to the movies a lot by myself and he used to take me to the movies. I'm so heartbroken, to say the least.
--I've done a lot of things out of character for me, which I suppose are things that a person would do if they were overwhelmed with inconsolable emotions.

I'm not sure what to do to feel better. Sometimes I just want to go to the hospital, but I feel like that won't do anything. I'll always feel this way and continue to meet people who harm me, it seems.

My symptoms have been nearly unmanageable. I just want this to stop. I don't need someone to complete me, but it would be nice to be held that loves and cares for me... I'm not ready for a relationship anyway.
 
I don't need someone to complete me, but it would be nice to be held that loves and cares for me... I'm not ready for a relationship anyway.
Your words above are saying the opposite to this. I think you don't know what you want from one moment to the next, and that is ok, don't get me wrong -- that all sounds very normal based on what you have written above.

The repeating pattern is you feeling negative due to others. Now there is one of two primary reasons here:
  1. You're finding reasons to push people away / are destructive with them, yet expect their support regardless, or
  2. You're in denial about your own mental health issues impact upon you, which flows into neediness and other negative relationship factors which come back to #1 above result.
Trauma causes a vicious circle to occur. So... which is it? Are you being super needy with people OR are you being self-destructive / pushing them away, yet expect them to crawl back and support you regardless?

Now, I may be wrong, but I think this sounds way more important than where you tossed this into your list above:
I feel lost without him and he was always there for me in times like these. I've gone to the movies a lot by myself and he used to take me to the movies. I'm so heartbroken, to say the least.
Twin. That is a different level for siblings. When did your brother die?
 
Thank you for putting that into perspective for me. Off of the top of my head I can see that it's a cycle. I do both of those things. I will have to think about that one for a while in order to figure it out further. I know I need to be alone for a while to sort that mess of things out.

No, you're right. It is more important. I still haven't come to terms with what happened. I don't honestly know what this means or how it makes me feel because I just don't think about it. This is the first time I ever experienced the death of a person who was close to me. I think of him all of the time and am reminded of him constantly, but it was like that even before he passed away. I feel like he hasn't actually died and is alive still. I don't know. I became used to not seeing him so much when I moved out and also when he went away to college when we were younger. It's like I basically tell myself that he's far away doing some kind of adventurous, self-less act to get through each day; to avoid the subject.
He was three years older than me, but it felt that way because of how we connected. This was December 2015. I woke up that one morning and just knew something was wrong. People have told me that I look just like him and that I sound like him when I talk sometimes and that we have the same laugh. That brings me comfort. And we both liked a lot of the same things too. He was a multi-talented person and music was one of his skills. He played the bass and six other instruments. I recently put strings on his bass and started to play with it. I used to love watching him show me the songs he learned. It comforts me too.

I know that I am disconnected with myself and reality in so many ways, but its because of pain. I'm afraid to feel it.
 
I'm not too sure what would happen. I might try to hurt myself or have another nervous breakdown. I feel like I want to die, but don't want to, but I feel too exhausted from expressing or releasing it that I can barely live a healthy life with a routine and everything. It crashes on me and renders me useless. I really don't know what to do with it. It always keeps coming back. Feeling it always makes me want to do something, but I know hurting myself isn't a solution and I'm not able to channel it into my artwork lately and I get into a depression.
 
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