littlestars
Confident
Since March I have gone down hill. I was doing really well, until I realized that I was surrounded by unsupportive, unhealthy people. It really wore into me because it dug into so many different wounds.
--A man that had mutual interest in me had hurt my feelings and instantly destroyed any attraction I had for him. I started to become depressed because this is a constant theme in my life, where I am a either rejected or disposable or simply worthless.
--Then a few weeks later I connected with an old friend of mine who I had not seen in nearly ten years. I had the biggest crush on him, but didn't do anything about it. We met for drinks and then I ended up at his place. He seemed to be really into me, but I was closed off and tried to open up but was really shy and unsure of how I felt. We had seen each other for a week and a half. I thought things were going well until out of nowhere he told me he couldn't be a boyfriend because he doesn't have money, he travels frequently, needs to be single, and he's crazy. He did tell me that I make him feel good and he enjoys my company though, and felt bad that he couldn't feed me when I came over or couldn't go out. We saw each other for about a month and a half after that. Then he would barely speak to me, but then wished me a happy birthday right after midnight. He would also ask me what I was up to, but never wanted to hang out. Then I messaged him once a day for three days with no response, so I stopped. Then he liked a picture of my dog and I on social media a few days later. I don't understand his actions, but I guess it was nothing. I didn't expect anything from him except to maybe see him once a week, which was becoming routine at first. It was the only time sex was enjoyable; probably because he's my friend and actually cared about me. I appreciated the comfort and company he brought to me, I just wish it would have lasted a little longer. Now I just don't care because I mean nothing to men, even if we were friends for twelve years.
--I was doing well in school (straight A's), but I started to fall apart mentally, emotionally, and physically from all kinds of stress (socially, school work, going to therapy, etc.). I'm still recovering. A lot of painful things had come up in therapy that I finally had the courage to confront. I also came to terms with how poorly I was treated and realized the reality of the abuse and other harmful experiences I went through.
--I realized that I don't have any real friends. They get off on my misery and aren't supportive. However, I did get a dog that comforts me... even though my stress level is extreme and I have thought about suicide quite frequently. I feel some sort of purpose and unconditional love. And my relationship with my mother is improving.
--I miss my brother that passed away. I didn't properly grieve him and I think the pain will always be intense. He was the only man that I trusted and that understood and loved me. We were close the way that twins are close and I always felt loved and accepted. I feel like what I do with my life should honor him, but I also feel so dreadfully hopeless; like nothing I do really matters. I feel lost without him and he was always there for me in times like these. I've gone to the movies a lot by myself and he used to take me to the movies. I'm so heartbroken, to say the least.
--I've done a lot of things out of character for me, which I suppose are things that a person would do if they were overwhelmed with inconsolable emotions.
I'm not sure what to do to feel better. Sometimes I just want to go to the hospital, but I feel like that won't do anything. I'll always feel this way and continue to meet people who harm me, it seems.
My symptoms have been nearly unmanageable. I just want this to stop. I don't need someone to complete me, but it would be nice to be held that loves and cares for me... I'm not ready for a relationship anyway.
--A man that had mutual interest in me had hurt my feelings and instantly destroyed any attraction I had for him. I started to become depressed because this is a constant theme in my life, where I am a either rejected or disposable or simply worthless.
--Then a few weeks later I connected with an old friend of mine who I had not seen in nearly ten years. I had the biggest crush on him, but didn't do anything about it. We met for drinks and then I ended up at his place. He seemed to be really into me, but I was closed off and tried to open up but was really shy and unsure of how I felt. We had seen each other for a week and a half. I thought things were going well until out of nowhere he told me he couldn't be a boyfriend because he doesn't have money, he travels frequently, needs to be single, and he's crazy. He did tell me that I make him feel good and he enjoys my company though, and felt bad that he couldn't feed me when I came over or couldn't go out. We saw each other for about a month and a half after that. Then he would barely speak to me, but then wished me a happy birthday right after midnight. He would also ask me what I was up to, but never wanted to hang out. Then I messaged him once a day for three days with no response, so I stopped. Then he liked a picture of my dog and I on social media a few days later. I don't understand his actions, but I guess it was nothing. I didn't expect anything from him except to maybe see him once a week, which was becoming routine at first. It was the only time sex was enjoyable; probably because he's my friend and actually cared about me. I appreciated the comfort and company he brought to me, I just wish it would have lasted a little longer. Now I just don't care because I mean nothing to men, even if we were friends for twelve years.
--I was doing well in school (straight A's), but I started to fall apart mentally, emotionally, and physically from all kinds of stress (socially, school work, going to therapy, etc.). I'm still recovering. A lot of painful things had come up in therapy that I finally had the courage to confront. I also came to terms with how poorly I was treated and realized the reality of the abuse and other harmful experiences I went through.
--I realized that I don't have any real friends. They get off on my misery and aren't supportive. However, I did get a dog that comforts me... even though my stress level is extreme and I have thought about suicide quite frequently. I feel some sort of purpose and unconditional love. And my relationship with my mother is improving.
--I miss my brother that passed away. I didn't properly grieve him and I think the pain will always be intense. He was the only man that I trusted and that understood and loved me. We were close the way that twins are close and I always felt loved and accepted. I feel like what I do with my life should honor him, but I also feel so dreadfully hopeless; like nothing I do really matters. I feel lost without him and he was always there for me in times like these. I've gone to the movies a lot by myself and he used to take me to the movies. I'm so heartbroken, to say the least.
--I've done a lot of things out of character for me, which I suppose are things that a person would do if they were overwhelmed with inconsolable emotions.
I'm not sure what to do to feel better. Sometimes I just want to go to the hospital, but I feel like that won't do anything. I'll always feel this way and continue to meet people who harm me, it seems.
My symptoms have been nearly unmanageable. I just want this to stop. I don't need someone to complete me, but it would be nice to be held that loves and cares for me... I'm not ready for a relationship anyway.